So I just had my 10 year high school reunion this weekend, and it's a funny thing about reunions...no matter how much you think you won't or try not to be affected by the past and who you were then, you inevitably fall into your same role. Perhaps just for a brief moment before you realize how utterly ridiculous it is that you have become your teenage self again, or maybe you never notice and end up hanging out with your old friends all night recreating those old high school cliques unwittingly. Either way, you are not immune to the mysterious power that is and was your adolescence, and I was no exception. I was excited to go to my reunion, even though the realization that I was really that old was a bit unnerving. I knew that I was a different person now than I was back then, that I've been one of those who has come into her own after graduation, and I was ready to shine. Don't get me wrong, I loved my time at RHS, maybe more in memory than in actuality roaming those halls day in and day out, and I was not looking forward to all the "what do you do now?" questions...but I was confident and that right there made all the difference. To say I was shy back in high school is an understatement, I was really shy, really quiet, really insecure, and yet...I wanted nothing else but to not be. This is not to be mistaken with soft spoken or timid, I had no problem telling you what was on my mind...but only if you talked to me first. I hated the fact that I gravitated to the corners of the room, that I stood in silence instead of standing in the spotlight making jokes, but what could I do? I mean still I have those moments of self doubt in social situations but hell, I'm an actor and you'll be damned if I let those rule my life anymore. I thought I'd go into the reunion confident and strong and ready to talk to people and find out how they too have changed...only to find that none of us really did change...or did we?
Ok, so maybe I'm not being fair. I know for a fact that some of us did. Take my friend who I went with for example, a wonderful vibrant confident and undoubtedly gorgeous woman who back in senior high was, believe it or not, quieter than even me. Seriously, I had to convince her to even go to our prom. Back then she was the same wonderful sweet and beautiful girl as she is now...just add ten years, a bottle of peroxide, some stilleto heels, and confidence that is unassuming yet sparkling with self assurance and you've got a force to be reckoned with. You've also got a girl who had no problem working the room and laughed at the end of the night recalling how may people had said they didn't remember her in high school. Seriously, I admired her and the ease at which she appeared to have shed her 17 year old self. I wasn't quite so lucky and noticed myself playing it safe most the night, talking to people that I had known at least slightly well (or as well as a quiet shy girl could have) back in High School during the reunion. I mean to be honest we all knew everyone we graduated regardless of whether or not we had ever actually spoken to them only having a class of around 300...and of the 75 or so that showed up to the event most of them were all people you'd expect to see there...people from roughly the same social circles that overlapped from time to time or had mingled at parties (or shown up to them) back in the day. There were the leadership crowed, the partiers, the "cool jocks" (because we most definitely had the uncool ones too), the ones that went to the dances and the football games and hung out in the front parking lot for lunch and after school. The ones that if my High School had been a movie...were the ones the movie would undoubtedly include as the semi cool kids, the ones you'd expect to go off to good colleges and join fraternities and sororities (and I'm pretty certain most of us did just that). The "ultra" cool kids who cut class and smoked cigarettes, the "mean girls," the "drama freaks," the "nerds," well most of them were mia this Friday night...minus a stray straggler here and there.
This is not to say everyone that was there that night had been part of the same circle because we were not, but generally speaking there were no huge surprise appearances, and no crazy "omg did you see so and so" moments. Yes. We all looked pretty much the same...if not better than we had back then. At least those of us who came, but back to the point. Sometime in the night I remember looking around and realizing how strange it was. I saw what I would have considered my group of friends at the photo booth, all getting ready to take photos and contemplated joining them because after all, wasn't I part of their group? And yet, I stopped, I hesitated, instead of running over and joining in on the fun I told myself no, they were better friends, I was just on the outskirts of that group, quiet and doubtful...and I watched them from afar take a set of group photos that I should have been in. So strange too, because looking back there is no way that I would have done anything but add to that photo, for those WERE my friends back then...yet I was momentarily frozen with the same insecurities that I had in high school. The fear of imposing where I was not welcome, where I may not belong in someone else's eyes...that same fear that kept me shy and quiet back then was again holding me back now. And I realized as I looked at my classmates...I was not alone. True some of them were off comfortably mingling with people they may not have been friends with back in the day, but most of them were sticking to those friends that they had been the closest too... reminiscing no doubt and reconnecting in some cases...but also staying where they felt most comfortable, back in those social cliques we all stuck to that helped us not feel so alone in those lost years of youth. By the end of the reunion everyone remaining had either made enough trips to the bar or come to the same realization that I had and begun to loose those old teenage inhibitions and return to their normal adult selves and that's when the fun really began. That's when you had conversations with people you never talked to before, when you approached your old crush to see who they were now, when you realized that you were missing out on some really awesome people, or that people you thought were awesome really didn't stack up. And yes, I'm most definitely referring to my own personal experience here.
But in the end, I guess what the moral of the story is, the entire reason for taking you my reader down this rabbit hole of memory lane with me...is that no matter how much we think we've changed, no matter how far we've come in our lives...we really are always who were back then. And I'm not just talking about High School, but at every point in our lives, the high moments, the lows, and everything in between. Yes people change, people grow, we are never the exact same person we were just moments before...but we never escape the past, for the past has made us what we are now. We should embrace it, not run from it, even if we think it did nothing but inhibit us. It should be a strength within us, not something we cover up and try to hide away.
I am the shy, quiet, horribly insecure girl I was then. But that is my strength, not my weakness. I am also a wonderful, confident, strong woman who is not afraid to go after her dreams...and stand here today before you and say...
I'm done running away from my past, done trying to forget things and mistakes I have made. Perhaps it's easy for me to say, I have not made any giant irreversible stumbles on my path to who I am now...but we all have had our moments. Regardless, we should not dwell on those times rather look how far we have come, look how much stronger, better, more amazing we are now. And if you cannot relate...then maybe it is time you looked at your past, and re-evaluated who you are now, who you think you are, and who you want to be.
All in all, I'm glad I went. It was a lot different than I had expected, though I'm not quite sure what it was that I thought I was going to be experiencing. I know for one thing though, it was a lot weirder than I had thought it would be, and yet still a lot of fun (granted the multiple trips to the bar to visit my friend Jamie and coke may have helped with that a bit). I do wish though, that more people had gone, that the people that hung out on the fringes of the student body had proudly walked into that room and been able to do what my friend did so well...and me, well, less well...been comfortable with who we are now, and shown those who we may have looked up to or shied away from, that we are and always were just as amazing as ever.
Be strong, be happy, be wonderful, be you.
Monday, November 28, 2011
Tuesday, November 22, 2011
Another year...another inspiration
So it's dead midnight on the Monday before thanksgiving and there's a lot of things swimming through my mind. Some of it old thoughts and ideas stuck swirling for weeks even months and some of it new, fresh, and bright. These new ideas, these new bursts of light seeping through the cracks of my muddled and cloudy conscious are the important ones, the ones that inspire me and motivate me to sit here before you on my father's computer in the wee hours of the morning almost a week into my much needed escape from the clutches of LA and all that it is. Yes, I'm home, where I grew up and where I will always feel the most at peace and I'm finally starting to feel refreshed, alive again. It only took five days. Seriously LA drains me more and more...and maybe it's not just LA, perhaps I'm only using the city as a scapegoat to blame my increasing unhappiness and restlessness on, but either way I'm so glad to be here, where the air is cleaner, the stars are brighter, and my struggles seem a million miles away...for now.
Also, it's the first time I've been able to sit down at a computer and write for a while now. Granted I could have used this computer any given day or night that I've been home but of course I had to wait for inspiration, that extra push, the urge to let my fingertips fly across the keyboard and the freedom to let my thoughts spill forth onto the screen. And I cannot tell you the joy it gives me now to sit down and write, I've been looking forward to this trip with greater anticipation than usual for this reason alone. You see, I don't know if I've told you before, but I am cursed. Electronics hate me and I don't say this lightly. Seriously, they do. It's a real big pain too, this been the age of technology and I fear it's only going to grow increasingly worse as the years go on. It's not my choice either as I pride myself on knowing how things work...and how to fix them when they break and it's much to my frustration that I find myself helpless when it comes to technological failure. And fail, they do. It's as inevitable, and unavoidable as catching a cold when the weather changes...or in my case, worse. Seriously, I get sick less often than my electronics fail me or short or just plain refuse to function properly for me. The best part is no one else can explain my constant and ridiculous bad luck with computers, phones, my wii remotes, stereos, pretty much anything of that nature. So why am I going on and on about this you may wonder? Well, I guess what it all comes down to in all relevance to this post is...I've been virtually computer less for about a month now, and let me tell you, that's an awful state to be in if you're me.
Have you tried going without your computer for a month? I dare you to try it even for a week. Seriously, pretend your computer refuses to work for you, takes forever (and ten tries) to load properly and then freezes ever time you click on an icon or open a window. To get to your e-mail it takes you 30 minutes, and just to read one another 10. Forget about trying to write, with that lag time you are lucky to get 3 sentences down in an hour, and if you make a typo you're screwed. Seem like a really bad nightmare? Well that was the hell I was living for the past 5 weeks! Lucky for me my phone didn't decide to poop out as well, so I was still semi connected to the world...but really, how much can you get done on a smart phone? I was so disconnected with the world and at a time of such change it couldn't have been worse. I all of a sudden found myself with more free time having finally quit my job at the bar and having taken this month off from classes at Playhouse West (a tough but in the end logical call seeing as I would be missing two weeks of class for this trip along with an additional class for a commercial I booked that I will write about later), but less social opportunities having been working so much before and so disconnected from everyone due to scheduling and now with no way other than a small two by four screen to reconnect with. This of course added to my unrest and unhappiness as I became a homebody due to circumstance created a very very unhappy me. But I'm not here to dive into my misery or the darkness I found myself entering, all I knew was that I was becoming a miserable person that even I didn't like being around, and that I needed a change.
So back to the present, it's three days before Thanksgiving and close to half way through my little vacay from life and I'm ready for a new positive outlook. I'm ready to be the me that is happy and optimistic and charming and fun to be around, the person that I should be for really, I have so much to be thankful for. It's kind of sad to thing that it is so easy to loose sight of all that we have going for us, that we need a specific holiday to remind us that our lives are good, that we are lucky in so many ways. I think about this a lot, even in my moments of the deepest self pity, when all I want to do is wallow around in my own unhappiness (don't judge, you know you have those moments too) I know that I'm being ridiculous. I know that I'm being stupid because there is so so much that is wonderful in my life, and I am ever grateful for all that is good all that I have regardless of how much self loathing I feel. Sounds confusing to you? Believe me it baffles me too.
I guess what I'm trying to say is that I want to take a moment to remember the great things in my life, the accomplishments I have achieved however small or large, and to put out there to the universe in black and white with you as my witness what it is I am going to achieve. The promises I make to myself.
Perhaps this new motivation is a product of my birthday having just passed, since every year I get older I make a new promise that this is the year I achieve greatness, achieve happiness. Perhaps it's due to my ten year reunion being this week and a subconscious alarm that is triggering some sort of fear that I'm wasting my life away and loosing my youth. Possibly it's that LA really has been draining the life from me or maybe it's my increasing notion of distaste for the city of dreams, this trip like a ray of sunlight cutting through the dark clouds that were hovering over me for the last month. Or maybe it simply seems the right thing to do with Thanksgiving on the horizon, either way this is what I'm thankful for...
The love of a family that although they may not like the decisions you make, support you till the end.
That I know I can always pick up the phone and call my mom when I need someone to talk to.
The amazing friends that will be there for me till the end, the ones that don't let me down.
The place in which I grew up, and how hard my parents worked and still work to be able to provide it to me.
My health, it truly astounds me sometimes how rarely I get sick (knock on wood!).
My logic...even if it is to a fault.
My morals and way in which I look at the world. I'm a thinker and I wouldn't know how else to be.
Being lucky enough to be of mixed race, we are the future :)
Being self sufficient, and independent.
My apartment, and the fact that I can provide myself a home that is truly mine.
My job, it may not be the most lucrative but it's a job, and I like it.
That I am chasing my dreams, no matter how rough the road may be at times.
That I have people that believe in me, sometimes even more than I believe in myself.
That I am a free thinker, in a nation that allows me to be so.
That I live on a coast...in California...where people are more open minded and the weather is nice.
That I've had a chance to see the world, even if it was only a small chance...for now.
That I'm never quite satisfied, always looking for ways to grow and improve and learn.
That there is food on my table, and that I have never known true hunger.
That I know no matter what happens, I will be ok.
The faith in the universe, and the knowledge that life is a gift.
That I'm alive, and that I have this adventure to live.
Of course there are so many more things that I have to be thankful for, the list can truly go on forever. Even things that we see as negatives can often be positives if seen from a different light, but at the end of the day we must simply be thankful for that day. For the gift of life, of waking up in the morning, of the world around us, of who we are and the people and things that have made us that way. We will never know the true meaning to life so what is the use of doing anything but living it to the best of our ability? And that's what I'm trying to do, I may stumble, I may fall along the way, but in the end I'll always get back up. I'll always find a new reason to be inspired, a new angle in which to turn things around...and I'm ready to fight for my life, for happiness, for the joy that this great adventure can bring...again.
Also, it's the first time I've been able to sit down at a computer and write for a while now. Granted I could have used this computer any given day or night that I've been home but of course I had to wait for inspiration, that extra push, the urge to let my fingertips fly across the keyboard and the freedom to let my thoughts spill forth onto the screen. And I cannot tell you the joy it gives me now to sit down and write, I've been looking forward to this trip with greater anticipation than usual for this reason alone. You see, I don't know if I've told you before, but I am cursed. Electronics hate me and I don't say this lightly. Seriously, they do. It's a real big pain too, this been the age of technology and I fear it's only going to grow increasingly worse as the years go on. It's not my choice either as I pride myself on knowing how things work...and how to fix them when they break and it's much to my frustration that I find myself helpless when it comes to technological failure. And fail, they do. It's as inevitable, and unavoidable as catching a cold when the weather changes...or in my case, worse. Seriously, I get sick less often than my electronics fail me or short or just plain refuse to function properly for me. The best part is no one else can explain my constant and ridiculous bad luck with computers, phones, my wii remotes, stereos, pretty much anything of that nature. So why am I going on and on about this you may wonder? Well, I guess what it all comes down to in all relevance to this post is...I've been virtually computer less for about a month now, and let me tell you, that's an awful state to be in if you're me.
Have you tried going without your computer for a month? I dare you to try it even for a week. Seriously, pretend your computer refuses to work for you, takes forever (and ten tries) to load properly and then freezes ever time you click on an icon or open a window. To get to your e-mail it takes you 30 minutes, and just to read one another 10. Forget about trying to write, with that lag time you are lucky to get 3 sentences down in an hour, and if you make a typo you're screwed. Seem like a really bad nightmare? Well that was the hell I was living for the past 5 weeks! Lucky for me my phone didn't decide to poop out as well, so I was still semi connected to the world...but really, how much can you get done on a smart phone? I was so disconnected with the world and at a time of such change it couldn't have been worse. I all of a sudden found myself with more free time having finally quit my job at the bar and having taken this month off from classes at Playhouse West (a tough but in the end logical call seeing as I would be missing two weeks of class for this trip along with an additional class for a commercial I booked that I will write about later), but less social opportunities having been working so much before and so disconnected from everyone due to scheduling and now with no way other than a small two by four screen to reconnect with. This of course added to my unrest and unhappiness as I became a homebody due to circumstance created a very very unhappy me. But I'm not here to dive into my misery or the darkness I found myself entering, all I knew was that I was becoming a miserable person that even I didn't like being around, and that I needed a change.
So back to the present, it's three days before Thanksgiving and close to half way through my little vacay from life and I'm ready for a new positive outlook. I'm ready to be the me that is happy and optimistic and charming and fun to be around, the person that I should be for really, I have so much to be thankful for. It's kind of sad to thing that it is so easy to loose sight of all that we have going for us, that we need a specific holiday to remind us that our lives are good, that we are lucky in so many ways. I think about this a lot, even in my moments of the deepest self pity, when all I want to do is wallow around in my own unhappiness (don't judge, you know you have those moments too) I know that I'm being ridiculous. I know that I'm being stupid because there is so so much that is wonderful in my life, and I am ever grateful for all that is good all that I have regardless of how much self loathing I feel. Sounds confusing to you? Believe me it baffles me too.
I guess what I'm trying to say is that I want to take a moment to remember the great things in my life, the accomplishments I have achieved however small or large, and to put out there to the universe in black and white with you as my witness what it is I am going to achieve. The promises I make to myself.
Perhaps this new motivation is a product of my birthday having just passed, since every year I get older I make a new promise that this is the year I achieve greatness, achieve happiness. Perhaps it's due to my ten year reunion being this week and a subconscious alarm that is triggering some sort of fear that I'm wasting my life away and loosing my youth. Possibly it's that LA really has been draining the life from me or maybe it's my increasing notion of distaste for the city of dreams, this trip like a ray of sunlight cutting through the dark clouds that were hovering over me for the last month. Or maybe it simply seems the right thing to do with Thanksgiving on the horizon, either way this is what I'm thankful for...
The love of a family that although they may not like the decisions you make, support you till the end.
That I know I can always pick up the phone and call my mom when I need someone to talk to.
The amazing friends that will be there for me till the end, the ones that don't let me down.
The place in which I grew up, and how hard my parents worked and still work to be able to provide it to me.
My health, it truly astounds me sometimes how rarely I get sick (knock on wood!).
My logic...even if it is to a fault.
My morals and way in which I look at the world. I'm a thinker and I wouldn't know how else to be.
Being lucky enough to be of mixed race, we are the future :)
Being self sufficient, and independent.
My apartment, and the fact that I can provide myself a home that is truly mine.
My job, it may not be the most lucrative but it's a job, and I like it.
That I am chasing my dreams, no matter how rough the road may be at times.
That I have people that believe in me, sometimes even more than I believe in myself.
That I am a free thinker, in a nation that allows me to be so.
That I live on a coast...in California...where people are more open minded and the weather is nice.
That I've had a chance to see the world, even if it was only a small chance...for now.
That I'm never quite satisfied, always looking for ways to grow and improve and learn.
That there is food on my table, and that I have never known true hunger.
That I know no matter what happens, I will be ok.
The faith in the universe, and the knowledge that life is a gift.
That I'm alive, and that I have this adventure to live.
Of course there are so many more things that I have to be thankful for, the list can truly go on forever. Even things that we see as negatives can often be positives if seen from a different light, but at the end of the day we must simply be thankful for that day. For the gift of life, of waking up in the morning, of the world around us, of who we are and the people and things that have made us that way. We will never know the true meaning to life so what is the use of doing anything but living it to the best of our ability? And that's what I'm trying to do, I may stumble, I may fall along the way, but in the end I'll always get back up. I'll always find a new reason to be inspired, a new angle in which to turn things around...and I'm ready to fight for my life, for happiness, for the joy that this great adventure can bring...again.
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