Experimental Ideas

So it's the end of July...in a little under 6 months I'll be blowing out 31 candles...31.

They say age is just a number and I believe that, I do.  I didn't freak out when 30 came and went...but now that 31 is nearing it may be time to re-think the age game.  At 23 I had my quarter life crisis...23 was a rough year.  Then again so was 24...and maybe even 25.  Those were the years I was lost...the first few years out of college without a clearly defined career path, or life path...the years that everyone wanted to know what I was up to...what now...and I had no answer for them, or myself.

I have a career path now, and my own apartment, and boyfriend who as of three months ago now shares said apartment with me.  Is it true love, the everlasting kind?  Well...that's really still up in the air and at the moment I'm okay with that because as much as I'd love that Earth shattering "this is it" type of love that most my friends have seemingly found...there are more important things in this 30 year old's life.  Mainly figuring out how to live the life I have, and do it with grace and joy.  How to create the life I want...or one I would be satisfied with...and that, all comes from within.

I've come to the acceptance that I'm the type of person who is never truly satisfied, but that my dissatisfaction is never quite enough to motivate me to make changes that are lasting.  Sounds silly I know, especially at my age but you'll see it's true just by looking back across the pages of this blog.  I'm fairly positive that 90% of my previous posts have to do with some sort of dissatisfaction at where I am in my life and the steps I should or get to take to get to the place I want to be...followed by a few months of cyber silence and then another slightly different post of the same nature.  Hey, at least I recognize my patterns.

Anyways, welcome to yet another post of the same sort...

So 31.  That's 9 years till 40, and though a lot can happen in 9 years...we all know how quickly they can pass as well.  And it's not that I'm afraid of getting older...it's that I have to think from a different standpoint, a career based point of view.  I'm an Actor...or at least that's what I say I am...the path I've claimed to have chosen.  As an actor, age plays a different role...literally.  In my 20's I could see myself playing the college girl, maybe even the late HS teen...then as I neared 30, the "fresh out of college" type the struggling career girl...but as I get older my youthful look is changing.  I no longer get 22 when someone guesses my age...it's now 25; 26.  I see people I haven't seen in years and they say I look older and the truth is, I do.  I look at myself in the mirror and realize I am looking closer to my age than I ever have before...and I realize that before long, I'll be playing the mom in every casting.  I'll have surpassed the age of "leading lady" or "romantic lead" and though I look forward to a long fulfilling career as the TV mom (I love Connie Britton and would LOVE her career), I'm not ready to get there without a little time as the "girl trying to figure it all out".  So that puts a definite time crunch on things, which honestly may be a good thing.  I've never worried about the age factor before, and it's been how long since I decided to move to LA with the dream of being an Actor?  2007.  I made the decision and move in 2007, that's 7 years ago and yes, I can say that for the first two years I was young and getting my grounding, and working 2-3 jobs just to pay rent, and then I joined Atwater Playhouse, and quit my day job...I moved out on my own sick and tired of paying rent for the second broke roomate in a matter of 2 years...then I quit Atwater and joined Playhouse West, and Grey's Studio, and I got my first commercial agent...then I went back to working 2 jobs but at least they were both night jobs...I did horrible student films, I tried finding myself through transformational workshops, landed my present commercial agent, got a manager who I thought was going to be great (which I get to drop by the end of the year) and my present job, left Playhouse West, took improv at UCB, and went through all the trials and tribulations of creating my relationship...to land me here.

Half way through my 30th year on earth.

One job, 4 nights a week.

Still in an apartment I love.

Live in boyfriend who is also reaching for the dream.

Half time mom to an awesome kid.

Two weeks into an amazing new weekly acting class at Stuart Rogers studio, and one week into his Audition class.

I have a savings that allows me to think about world travel on a yearly basis, and the freedom to up and go whenever I want.

Commercial agency that sends me out on a regular basis with agents that I love.

Great co-workers.

Best friends that I couldn't do it without.

Healthy and alive.

A family that support me and love me and have accepted that this is my life and what I want to do.

I have a good life, there's no doubting that.  Even the unsatisfied me has to admit that.  But I want a GREAT life...and that is something that I get to work for...and not become lethargic about.  It's easier to be comfortable and live the good life than it is to strive for the GREAT life...and I don't want another 7...or 9 years to go by and to look back on all that wasted potential.  So where do I go from here?

Well happiness starts from within right?  So that a start.  Health...eating right, regular exercise, meditation, yoga, exploring the outdoors, regular sleeping patterns, they all would help me wake up more invigorated ready to take on the world.  Auditioning for small projects, writing my own scripts, keeping up this blog, reading plays, working hard in classes, finding theatrical representation, workshops, working on dialects, getting a good manager, visiting my commercial agents would keep my pushing forward in my career.  Traveling, shopping, dabbling in photography, getting back into modeling, starting craft projects, reading books, watching Indy movies, learning a new language, brushing up on Spanish, picking up a paintbrush would help get those creative juices flowing again.  Taking dance classes, working on puzzles, camping, hiking, finding new hobbies and passions would help inspire me.  All things that I know I "should do" and tell myself with my best transformational lingo I "get to do."  So then wth...why don't you just DO IT already, right?  Seriously.

I read so many articles about how to be happy, to live happy, to be successful...there are lists and lists and lists of things you should give up...or start doing.  They all motivate for a moment or two and then are lost again as our attention shifts, let's make this the one time it doesn't.  Let's make 31 the best year yet...and I've got 5 months to lay the foundation.

No more tomorrows, no more next weeks...because life happens


                                                                                                    now.

The day I realized the greatness of my hometown was a disallusion

I can't quite capture the horrible sadness and feeling of loss that happens the moment you realize the place you grew up is not the amazing paradise you always believed.  I don't know if many people can relate to this at all...because I think I might have been one of the only people left in the world to have an idealized idea of where they came from, or at least one of the only ones to get that idea challenged and steamrolled at 30.  Most people experience this type of let down earlier on in life...or maybe they never do at all, but tonight was my night.  My night where I realized for the first time that I'm not proud of where I came from.  Where being a minority...even if I didn't see myself as one here...in Marin County makes me "different."

Maybe I should explain.  I am 4th generation Asian American on one side...my great grandmother was born in California in 1901, I'm more "American" than a whole heck of a lot of my "white" friends.  I was born and raised in Marin County CA, the northern...predominantly white...upper middle class suburb of San Francisco where I grew up ignoring the fact I was different and fiercely fighting to not see or let others see I was anything other than just another Marin Co. kid.  And it worked...or so I thought...for a long time.  By the time I got to college I really didn't feel or act any different than any of my peers...and why should I?  To say we were all colorblind is not as accurate as to say we chose to see every color as the same...white.  It didn't matter what color your skin was...if you had grown up in Marin at the time I did you were white...unless you clearly identified as a minority and acted as such.

Then college hit.  I went to UCI.  Yes, I know all the jokes...University of Chinese Immigrants and any other acronym you can think of involving UCI and being Asian.  It was a culture shock, to say the least, to be surrounded by so many people so proud of their different heritage, and in turn, so many that wanted me to identify with their so called "struggles" which, to say the least, I had no clue about...or at least believed I didn't.  It took me 3 years for my friendship circle to slowly turn from caucasian to Asian and for me to truly embrace what makes me special...that I'm of mixed race.

Fast forward to now.  I'm 30 years old, I have a live in boyfriend who is Korean by origin and I still absolutely love where I grew up.  He's from LA where we live now, where I've lived for the last 6 years the entire time (plus the 7 years in OC before that) wishing I could someday return here...to the lovely bubble I came from, the idealized world I lived in.  So it's his first time seeing my hometown...and of course, I desperately want him to love it as much as I do, to understand why I am the way I am, and why I love it so much.  It's our first night...and I decide to go down to the only bar in town...the 2am club and meet up with a childhood friend and her new boo for some drinks and a chill night at the dive where we grew up.

Everything is fine...great even...until the lights go up.  Then I go to close out.  It starts bad...I say "oh don't close me out!" and the bartender retorts with "no, you HAVE to close out" to which I respond "yes...I know...I meant on the card.  I want to pay cash," being in the service industry I like to pay everything with cash, b/c going to the bank isn't my strong suite.  Anyways, there is a guy at the bar.  And I hate to say it but I have to for this story to make the most sense in the most ridiculous way...but the ONLY black guy at the bar (and if you've ever come to Marin Co. you know the relevance of this) and he looks at me and says "oh how Chinese of you" and I just give him this unbelievable shocked death stare.  Like did that REALLY come out of your mouth right now...REALLY you're going to say that to the ONLY SEMI ASIAN girl here just because I told her I'd rather pay CASH??  Like WTF??  Anyways I definitely don't let it slide, and call him out on his shit...while he tries to play it off as if it's not a race thing.  And this is the first time I've ever really felt defensive about the race card...but COME ON.  Then I go to pay my bill which I realize seems a little high for the two beers (at $5.50 and $5 each) and one Jameson neat (at $6.50) that we had, which to me even with tax does not equal out to $22.  So I pay then I ask nicely and curiously what we had on our tab. The bartender goes to look and tells me we had 2 Racer 5's (which I clearly know we had 1) and the other two drinks I knew we got.  So I proceed to tell her we did not get 2 of the Racer 5's at which point she gets angry and acts as if I'm trying to stiff her (btw at this point I had already dropped a $5 tip on the bar for our supposed $22 in cocktails BEFORE I asked her about the bill at all) and says "YOU DID GET TWO, OMG I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU'RE FIGHTING ME ON $5" and now I'm pissed off because if you know me it's not the $$ as much the principle (which I tell her flat out) and she CONTINUES to argue with me.  I'm appalled, especially seeing as I bet I'm the best tipper in the house for the night as well as being in the service industry myself and having enough class to never EVER fight a tab just trying to get free shit.  By now she's already thrown the disputed $5 on the bar as if to say "fine here's your $ you're trying to stiff me" and I am so pissed I stalk off telling her again it's not the money but the principle leaving both $5 bills on the bar.  In retrospect I should have just said fuck you you cunt and taken both but I'm not like that.  And if that's not enough as I'm walking off that same black dude (who may I add had a British accent and was not tough at all) scoffs and says "WOW" quite loudly and obviously trying to start shit...again.  At this point I'm so pissed off and frankly disappointed in my fellow man...and just tying to cope with the realization that my love for this town might be a horrible mistake and disillusion after all, and the fact that I've never been so disrespected for no apparent reason other than the one thing that I worked my ass off growing up in this same town to not notice or feel; that I was different.  That I was not WHITE.

Later after my boyfriend heard what the guy had said to me about wanting to pay in cash post exiting the bar after the bartender insisted (even after we both tried to tell her he did not order a second beer on my tab) that we were trying to get free drinks, he went back in to have words with this racist man only to have the guy try to step up to him and that same cunt of a bartender try to ease his anger by saying "relax he's just a really drunk gay guy" as if making him a second minority makes his racism or her bitchiness any better.

People may scoff, or react negatively to this entry.  Perhaps they'll think I'm making a big thing about nothing...that it had nothing to do with race and I'm being extra sensitive, or that maybe I'm being stuck up thinking that I was probably one of the best most cultured and polite patron's in that bar (and yes, I'm super pissed off).  Maybe they'll say I've been naive, or that I have no right to be so upset and pissed off at something that's taking me 30 years to see or experience, that I'm dumb and privileged, or that they've dealt with this their entire lives...and to that I say I'm sorry.  All I can talk about is my experience and I don't ever mean to discredit someone else's or say mine is worse by any means...but it doesn't mean it crushes me any less.  Doesn't' mean I'm any less hurt or at a loss...if anything my perfect perception of my hometown and the "wonderful" people in it makes this all more painful of a realization...

Mill Valley, you are full of ignorant racist people who treat others as if they are sub par for no logical reason other than the fact you believe you are better than them simply because you are narrow minded.  My world is crushed, and I truly hate you 2am club.  This is the first and last time I'll ever happily walk through your doors, you harbor nothing but the worst people who don't deserve my consideration.

Seriously, I'm at a loss.  I'm disappointed beyond words in the quality of people they were and my hometown...and in the fact that not only do I have to come to terms with the loss of my ideal city...and the fact that my boyfriend's first experience with the place I have talked so highly of is of such ignorance and disdain.

I never thought I'd say it...but I can't wait to leave this place and go back to LA.

Reflections in the water

I imagine my life to be a journey, a path, with many twists turns and crossings which have all lead me to the here and now with the future trail yet to be blazed in front of me.  It's an exciting journey full of laughter, love, and pain, and today I'm feeling a little bit nostalgic and thankful, and hopeful, and full of awe...so what better time to sit down in front of the keyboard which I often now neglect and see if I haven't lost my knack at capturing the moments to which a single specific emotion cannot be pinned due to the wondrous jumble of things flying around in my heart and mind.  If I loose you in my ramblings...I apologize ahead of time, it's not my intent to do so but here it goes...

If this moment --this week -- was a point on my metaphorical path of life I'd be standing on a bridge that spans two banks.  I'd imagine it's a walking bridge since my path is not meant for cars and trucks...an arched bridge like the ones in impressionist paintings.  Wooden, sturdy and beautiful in it's simplicity.  The water rushing fast below over rocks and swirling in small whirlpools, and here I stand, at the highest point in the arch, the exact middle of the span looking down leaning on the railing at the beauty of the tumultuous waters below.  From this point I  have a great view of the sun setting behind me, spraying her evening rays across the lands traveled...I can see my path at the horizon, see the ghosts of my childhood running along in the setting rays, the twists, and turns my trail takes away from the fading memories of my mom with the late 80's perm, my baby brother dressing up in drag to play "Jenny" with the 8 year old me, I see the hills which seemed like mountains...ridding my bike to school with that clarinet strapped to the back, passing notes in social studies, middle school dances and my first crushes.  I see the high school version of me...quiet and insecure, acting like she had it all figured out...my first boyfriend and his crooked smile.  I see the college me, the parties, the long days on campus, the sisters, the summers, the sorority house, Phil, Eric, the fraternity formals, the trips, Monday meetings, IFC sports.  I see the people who meant so much to me, the ones who I couldn't imagine my life without, the years and the changing faces like a flip-book.  I see the landscape of my friendships change, I see myself change.  I see turmoil and pain, moments when I thought I couldn't hurt any more, when I couldn't cry any more, when I couldn't love any more but was too afraid to admit it out loud.  I see college end, I see myself getting on the plane to Spain, I see hot long nights followed by hot long days, adventure, discovery, fear.  I see distractions, I see Martin and Osa those wooden doors with the blue stripe and my first real job, I see Kiramas and dancing all night having the time of my life, I see South Coast Plaza, Taco Tuedays at the Cave, I see confusion, I see me loosing myself not wanting to loose him and realizing I lost both, I see Virginia, I see DC, Arlington, I see a new path in my mind...a new direction.  I see it all in the warm orange glow of the setting sun.  I see that path fade, the true path take a sharp turn, I see long hours and late nights out, I see independence, see me finding myself again, loving myself again.  I can't help but smile at that long road that stretches behind me...letting the nostalgia wash over me and warm my face and soul like the summer sun.  I look down...closer to the the edge of the bank from which I have just come...I see the immediate past more clearly and with less haze, almost as if the evening has fallen yet it is not dark.  I see myself clearer, and those who share my road hold less weight.  I'm in focus now, I guess that's how we look back on things, the more time and space between what it is we are remembering the more removed we are from it and the more we remember the others who took part.  I clearly remember those last few steps up to this bridge, this moment.  The fear, the hesitation, the contemplation...the bridge had been clearly in view for some time, but now that I was almost there...did I really want to cross the river?  Was I ready to leave this bank behind and with it all the possibilities?  Was I ready to face the shadows that in my mind lurked on the other side?  Did I want to jump off this path, off this bank, and let the rushing waters sweep me down the river to a new path?  If I crossed would I regret it and not be able to come back?  Was I supposed to cross?

I remember thinking this bridge didn't look right, it wasn't the bridge I had in mind, wasn't picturesque, wasn't perfect.  I grew up imagining that my future would be full of bridges covered in blooming vines bridges that you'd run towards filled with awe from their beauty and perfection, a bridge that you'd not think twice about sprinting across with a giant smile because what must lie on the other side had to be even more spectacular to merit such a gorgeous entrance.  Of course, through the twists, turns, potholes, and boulders strewn across my dusty and rough trail called life I realized that nothing is the way you imagined it would be, but old habits die hard, and this bridge was not my fantasy bridge.  In fact it's a little rough looking, unpolished, unfinished, plain.  Thrown up for functionality more than beauty, and it's mine.  It's exactly as it's supposed to be, and it's perfect in its imperfection.  Some people are not supposed to have rose covered bridges, and I am one of those...for all the paths that included them I have successfully avoided to choose this one.  And once I let go of my fear and took that first step off solid ground and onto the bridge all those doubts melted off.

And here I am...half way across the bridge and the sun is rising in front of me, spraying it's golden rays of possibility to the path ahead, filling me full of hope and excitement for the future.  Who knows where my path my lead, but there's one thing I know for sure, whatever twists and turns and other rivers it crosses there's no going backwards.  Just forwards.  And these moments spent upon this wooden bridge...they are moments when the past and the future collide.  When I get to look back and smile, remembering all the people and experiences that have led me here, and to be thankful for every single one of them.

Life is full of little blessings.  Next week I'll be stepping off this bridge into new uncharted lands, but I'll still be me, and my path will still wind on and forward as it always has.  And I'm a little afraid and excited as I watch the man I share my "now" with arranging his clothes in my newly cleared out closet surrounded by the years of memories wising up into the air from the objects they're attached to now scattered across the living room floor waiting for their new homes in storage or the donation bin or to be tucked away into another corner of ...my...our place.

Repetition

We are creatures of habit.  This is a well known fact.  We are also completely obsessed with "different," which is quite a contradiction if you really think about it.  Seriously, think about it.  We want to look different, to act different, to be different, to have a different lifestyle, to have a different level of income, a different job, a different family, a different life...you disagree?  Well what if for a moment we replace "different" with "better," agree with me yet?

I've often thought about (and I'm pretty sure I've written about) the overall culture of dissatisfaction I feel we live in, where we are trapped in this never ending cycle to discredit all that is good in our lives by focusing on the "bad" or the things we wish were... "different."  The endless quest to "start over" and "wipe the slate clean" to self improve and obsess over the things in our lives that we feel dissatisfied about, often forgetting all that we do have to be thankful for.  This culture which I am completely and irretrievably guilty of constantly buying into or being sucked back into as I believe many of my fellow peers are.  Which brings me to my next point...as much as we crave change...we are also slaves to our patterns.  So instead of buck this system which will always find a way to prevail...and instead of saying "I refuse to put down or make resolutions this new year because I never follow through" I will unarguably concede to the pattern at hand and dedicate yet another entry in this poorly kept blog to nothing other than my favorite subject.

THINGS I WISH TO IMPROVE ON THIS YEAR  ..aka my 2014 new years resolutions.

1.  Have an unexpected adventure at least once a week.

        - Do something different, out of routine, something fun.  Spontaneity is--after all--the spice of life.

2.  See a friend I haven't seen in ages at least once a month.

        - Reconnect with people who life just wouldn't have been the same without back in the day...because why should life be lived without them now?

3.  Work less, live more.

        - A job is a means to an end, it pays the bills but it does not nourish the soul.  Our time is limited, and worth more than $$.  No working 7 days a week allowed this year.   No more excuses, no more "...well...once I finish this week." (Even though I said that last week...lol)

4.  Get those creative juices flowing.

        - I call myself an artist...yet I do no art.  Dance, write, act, get lost in the craft store.  Take classes and get books, create something beautiful.  Re-awaken that passion, get excited again!

5.  Go outside EVERY day.

        - Sounds simple right?  Time to take more hikes, go camping, buy a bike...or simply take a stroll down the street.  Anything to get out of the apt (and the drive too and from work does not count).

6.  Be vain.

        - Take a little extra time in the morning, put together an outfit, fix your hair, use those accessories because god knows I've got a ton of them.  Youth is fleeting and before long it'll be gone.  As it is I'm living on borrowed time.

7.  Spread love.

        - Don't let this city get to you.  Wipe that jadedness from your shoulders and polish that smile.  Say hello to people, let your energy find theirs and brighten everyone's day.  Joy is created and sharing it just helps it to grow within yourself and the world around you. 

8.  Read more.

        - Books...remember them?  You used to loooove them.  So what happened?

9.  Hording Prevention Plan or HPP

        - Yes, we all can guess what this one's about.  It's time to seriously let go of some things in my apartment that I've had for far too long.  Less clutter = freed up life (or at least that's what I keep telling myself)

10.  GET STARTED!

        - Procrastination and laziness are my biggest enemies...and I always let them win.  Why?  Get up and do something!  You're happier when you are productive yet you let yourself lay around and do nothing all too often.  There's nothing wrong with a day of rest...but not when it turns into a vicious cycle of a day...a week...a month....a year...a lifetime??

So there you have it.  My "goals" for this year.  The things I GET to do, and hell...I don't know about you but most those things sound pretty awesome to me, who wouldn't want to have resolutions like this?

It's funny to me how life can be exactly the same as it ever was and vastly different than it's ever been all at the same time.  Let's make this year a new year of wonderful experiences and new starts, and life.  Lots and lots of life.  :)

Excuses

I live an existence full of excuses.  That is my life.  I've created it that way, and have lived it that way for as long as I have been in charge of it.  There's an excuse for everything, for why I work so much, for why my apartment is a constant mess, for why I am not making progress in my career, and a lot of times I create an escape.  I focus on something to distract me from facing myself and really taking myself on.

And if I've learned anything...it's that we all must take ourselves on sooner or later.

We are the creators of everything, and everything is perfect.  Especially when what we've created is the perfect opportunity for us to stop and really look at what reality we're living in...and I that time for me is now.

I am not happy, and that is all my own doing.  I have not truly been happy for quite some time.  This realization today...and this admittance of my true state of being hurts, even though I know I've known it for a while.  It forces me to really look inside and see why I'm playing this game of avoidance that I've become all too good at, for after all, we're always winning the game we're playing.  So this here plain and simple is the game I've been playing.

I avoid success and failure at the same time, unsure of which scares me more.  I avoid really putting myself out there in the career I've chosen by being a workaholic at a job that is supposed to afford me the time and flexibility to pursue said career. I justify it by living in a conversation of scarcity, one that no longer rings true yet that I've held onto so tightly for so long it's hard to let go of.  Plus, it serves it's purpose in this mad downward spiral called my adult life.  Being a workaholic gives me excuse to be lazy and to live is a space of constant disarray due to my "lack of time" or constant "tiredness" from working so much...and going out to drinks post work to blow off the steam and stress created from work doesn't help this either.  And if that was not enough, when I do have free time I no longer use it in a productive way such as taking class or shooting, rather I spend it further avoiding the root of the problem by wasting it watching shows on the internet and when I had someone to give my time to...I gave him all of it.  It was easier to distract me from my life than to actually live it, to do what I ultimately always knew I'd have to, to take myself and my life on.

And man, am I ever good at that game.

I truly believe we are the creators of everything that shows up in our lives, and whether we want to admit it or not the universe eventually hands us what we need; what it is we're truly authentically asking for and it's rarely pretty.  Clearly what I've been asking for is a mirror.  A mirror that cuts through all my bullshit, cuts through all my excuses, all my weak alibis that even I knew were weak, one which I can no longer avoid, for avoidance would only perpetuate the pattern.

None of what I'm telling you is news to me, so why am I sitting here telling you what I already knew?  Well the first step in any recovery is always admittance.  Admitting you have a problem, ending the denial that the ego has tried to cling onto for too long, and the first step to achieving a goal is declaration.  So I guess in a way this is my first step on the road of recovery (or just another on a very long pathway if you've read any of my older posts, you decide).  My goal being getting my life on track...actually living the life I say I want instead of making excuses and just saying I want it.  I get to create it, not wish it into creation.  I have spent too long not being the vibrant person I was put on this planet to be, I've spent too long avoiding and making excuses.  It never feels good to hear what you don't want to hear...to realize that someone can see right through you and pinpoint the weaknesses you yourself were trying to pretend weren't there.  But at the same time, I guess in a way I was just waiting for someone to be brave enough to hold up that mirror and make me look at it.  To really see what I already knew, to not allow me continue my game of avoidance, so thank you for that.

Faith.  It's knowing the universe never makes a mistake.  It's giving me exactly what it is I've been asking for, and I can no longer pretend I couldn't see.

Where does the time go?

A new year, a new start, a new chance to make this one count.

It seems at the start of every year people are looking for ways in which to push forward.  They make all these promises to themselves and resolutions which by the end of the year are all but forgotten.

I woke up this morning in a funk.  I thought sitting here in front of the keyboard would help pull my thoughts together and pull me out but I'm finding it hard to even put my sentences in order.  There's no particular reason for this dismal feeling as there usually isn't but it bothers me because I went to sleep last night thinking of all the many productive ways I'd start my day today only to be woken up by my alarm with the realization that I'm unsatisfied and unmotivated to start my day, my week.  With that I rolled back over and snoozed for over an hour finally dragging myself out of bed and to this computer screen where now I sit my mind void of insight or clever prose.

I should make myself breakfast, I should clean the kitchen, I should re-activate my gym membership I put on hold months ago and go like I planned, I should turn on my music and continue with the purge that has left my room a mess and half my closet contents on the floor, I should take a walk, I should sit outside and write, I should prep for my audition tomorrow, I should get ready for class today...there is so much I could be and should be doing, all things that I know I wanted to do before I shut my eyes just a few hours ago.  Funny how a nights sleep can make us wake refreshed and alive ready to tackle the world or leave us broken and empty.  What on earth did I dream about?  What caused this turning tide, this emotional disruption?  And more than that...if happiness comes from within as I know it does...what is it inside of me that is wanting me to not access the joy and excitement that I know exists?

Perhaps focusing on a different topic is the key to my success...

It's two weeks into 2013, and they have been wonderful weeks so far.  2012 came to a close with the holidays at home with family and the New Year brought in surrounded by snow and far away from the city lights and work for once.  The first week also brought my first shoot of the year with MTV Pulse Europe and my first commercial audition for Microsoft, later to be followed by my first on avail.  It also brought the beginning of Killian's workshop which I finally after two years of talking about it signed up for and am attending, the first two classes so far being completely amazing and making me itch for the chance to put it into action.  All in all, not a bad way to begin the year.  I also told myself that this is the year I stop and smell the roses, that I take the time to have "me time," that I budget even more and work less, that I remember to live and not let the days slip by so quickly.  The year I stop beating myself up for things I "should have done" and instead accept where I am at all times as perfect and turn those "should's" into "get to's" and "done's."  The second week however was my downfall.  It quickly brought back the stressing about money after being left off the schedule at one of my jobs and the realization of how much I just spent on my trips and taking off so much work.  So I picked up shifts, and made the conscious decision to skip class both buying myself time to make money...as well as put off doing the work I know I had already put off all break.  It solved two problems...feeling guilty that I was not prepared to come back to class as well as the workaholic's guilt for taking off so much time and spending so much money.  But it did much more than that too...once again I had put "job" in front of "passion" subconsciously telling myself that my career and my worth as an artist was less than the $100 a night I could hope to get at the restaurant.

So now week 3 begins and I have a choice on how it begins.  My subconscious is already betting against me so early on, the fear of failure is what it's used to living in...fear is what it's giving into...my ego wants me to be right once again, because it's easy to do.  It's easy to live in fear.  It's easy to give up, to not succeed and then say "see?  I wasn't going to succeed anyways" but if last year taught me nothing it's that easy does not accomplish your dreams.  Uncomfortable does.  Pushing your boundaries and taking the leap...breaking through the box that is your comfort zone and living your life coming from LOVE regardless of the perceived costs and risks.  If you do not live fully then you do not live at all.  You cannot live in fear of failure or you have already failed.  So despite my mood, despite my desire to crawl back into bed an let the day pass me up, despite the creeping frustration that my day is now beginning two and a half hours after it "should" have, I am ready to close my eyes and just breathe.  Calming those voices and accepting that I am exactly where I need to be, exactly where I get to be...that where I am in my day, in my life, in my mind is absolutely perfect and accepting that my ego will fight against me but only because it is scared.

It's time to turn those "should's" onto "get to's"...it's time for my week to begin.

Time to stop counting...and make it count!

BE the person in your vision.  What would she be doing right now?  How would she fill her time?  Who would she be every morning when she woke, every night before she closed her eyes, and every moment in between?

I cannot count the number of "new starts" I've attempted over the last four years, not to mention the last 10...or even 20.  I've lived my life obsessed with starting over, starting new, being someone better, bigger...yet every time I start again and swear it's "it" I fall back into the routine of lazy comfortabiliy, no matter how uncomfortable it may truly be.  Six months later I realize the little I've progressed and am pushed back into the rut and the routine of yet another "fresh beginning."  Maybe my failure is not my inability to stick to my intentions as much as what focus those intentions were made on.  Wanting to "start over" implies that I'm unhappy or unsatisfied with where I am presently, to "recreate" oneself or ones life means the person or life I'm living is not good enough and needs change.

And that's just not true.

I am wonderful the way I am...and that's where I must begin.  I have to realize that my life is great, and to really appreciate who I am and where my life is.  I'm exactly who and where I need to be, a perfect place to start.  There's nothing wrong with wanting to elevate the level of one's circumstances...but how much more can we achieve if we realize how far we've already become.  Starting over then becomes continuing at an increased rate...and instead of discrediting the last 28 years of journey I've been on and the person I have grown to be I'm simply building on an already tall building.  How much better does that sound?  How much more empowering and exciting is it to add another floor to two or twelve to a structure that already has ten floors?  When building a skyscraper would you rather acknowledge an already sound foundation and base and just add on...or completely demolish what was already built and start from the ground up?

We live in a society where we value the new, the blank slate, the empty lot.  We level gorgeous structures to make way for new, but yet what if we instead found ways to simply make what has come before even greater by adding on?  Like adding a second floor to a home, or a new wing in an already incredible mansion.  Sure the alure of total artistic freedom to build something completely new from the ground up is great...for an architect or a painter.  But as much as we are the artists of our lives...our lives aren't rewritten, they can never be so why should we be unsatisfied and want to wipe away the history?

Of course I am not where I hope to end up.  I'm no where near the end of my journey and I don't plan on simply sitting back and watching it go by...but I also don't want to start new, start fresh, I am done "restarting" and then being down on myself when six months later I feel I'm no further than I was.  That's ridiculous, of course I am...and I know I can go further.  I get to create this adventure, I get to write it, so why not write it from the future?  Be the future me, do whatever it takes to make my amazing life come to life.  

So tonight I decide.  I decide to believe in myself again.  I decide to praise myself, to acknowledge the strides I've made, and to get excited about the journey to come.  Tonight I decide to take the steps, any steps necessary to be the inspired woman I see when I close my eyes and think of accomplishing my dreams.  Tonight I rediscover my love of what I do...the passion behind being an artist...I chose to become obsessed in it, with it, by it.  I choose to sit down and think smaller.  To let go of how I think it should look, to stop expecting perfection and just go for it.  I choose to make mistakes, I choose to live fully, to live passionately, to be wrong, to not shy away from my talents and faults.  To not care what others may think or say...to not care about what I think...and most of all...to accept myself without judgement, and I challenge you to do the same.  What greatness could we all achieve if we lived so freely?

Tomorrow I meet with SBV Talent, a commercial agency, to see if they would be a good fit for me and me for them.  I also work a double...and get to figure out how to make my Friday work schedule conflicts work out.  Saturday day I am meeting with my classmates to discuss the Seven Habits of Highly Successful People, the first book on the Playhouse West reading list, and Sunday some of us are going to get together and go for a hike and appreciate the cooler weather and each other's company.  And somewhere in between I get to journal about my scene for class and begin writing my newly simplified and totally plausible idea for my much talked about web series I get to create.  Then it's Monday and errands, and another amazing week begins, and I'll treat each day as the gift it truly is.

2012 is coming to a close, and my life is just opening up further.

Thoughts on a lazy day...

September.  Fall has fallen...or has it?  Sure doesn't feel like it here in sunny southern Cali, but at least the temperature has dropped below the triple digits; for the time being.  I don't do well with the heat and lately that's all it's been...heat.  But it's September now...fall is at least technically here and soon the weather will follow.  Hikes, scarves, hot coco...ok, so maybe I'm getting a little ahead of myself.  We're not nearly close enough to those type of cool days yet, but I'm getting excited for them.

Got that uneasy feeling yesterday again, the unsettled-something-is-missing feeling that pulls at the back of my mind and makes me easily irritable.  So here I am...relaxing on a Tuesday morning as September comes to a close and I realize...wow...where has the year gone?  It's almost 2013...life has really slipped by this year...this was supposed to be "THE" year...just as the one before was...and the one before that...and yet...as content as I've been lately, even I know that there's more out there.   There's more to my life that I want to build and yet I get so lazy when I'm content, get so complacent. It's not a bad thing, don't get me wrong...I love being happy and I'm not complaining about how far I've come by any means,  but I know I could be more.  And I know that this unrest in my heart stems from a few different areas.  So again I ask myself...what do I want?  What do I really really want.  Earlier this year I spoke of vision and dreams far far greater than myself...do they still hold true?  And if so how come I've allowed myself to slip backwards back into the comfort of...well...being comfortable?

Easy.  It's just that.  Too easy.  It's too easy to think "life's good" or make excuses about starting tomorrow.  I'm not angry with myself for doing it...I don't let myself get that way anymore.  It's unhelpful...useless to beat yourself up for time wasted...you just waste more time being annoyed creating a wonderfully vicious circle.  I'm also not going to spend all day writing about it because I've done that before and that's no help either.  It's just good to note...and to move forward.

So that's just it.  Forward...to what?  What is it I truly want?  Who do I truly wish to be...what version of myself do I stand in in the future?  Do I still dream of creating my own foundation to bring the media arts and creativity to the remote parts of the world and bring their stories to the forefront of international entertainment?  And what would that look like exactly?  Who would I get to be to have that if so?  And if not....then what is it?  What is it that I can say truly drives me?  What's my motivation for it all?  Being happy is great...but doing something with it is even greater.  So as I go about my day doing my chores, getting ready for work, being out there in the world...I ask myself these greater questions.  I will not stress out about the small things, I will not worry one mindedly about the day to day mechanics...but instead I will live in the future.  I will be my dream...and everything will follow, and I challenge you to do the same.  So now, again, what is my dream?  What is yours?

Just one simple thought, and the rest of my life...

Even as I sit here leaning against the purple velvet of my sofa, my laptop propped on my lap, the battery hot against my legs, Florence + The Machine playing a soundtrack over my thoughts...thoughts that just an hour ago I was certain I must share with the world...I feel the pure exhaustion flood over me muddling the once clear vision of tonight's post.  No, I must not give into my circumstances, I am bigger than them, and I will no longer let them win.  I will not hold myself smaller than my surroundings for I am creator of all that shows up in my life.  And with that my thoughts rearrange and I blink back the last three hours of emotional, physical, and spiritual strife which has left me with nothing but tired mussels and surrender.  

Surrender.  What does it mean exactly?  There are so many ways one can "surrender" but tonight, I am finally beginning to grasp what surrender entails.

The Merriam-Webster Dictionary defines surrender as:

sur·ren·der  transitive verb

1

a : to yield to the power, control, or possession of another upon compulsion or demand <surrendered the fort>b : to give up completely or agree to forgo especially in favor of another

2

a : to give (oneself) up into the power of another especially as a prisonerb : to give (oneself) over to something (as an influence)

I can surrender to my circumstances, surrender to my beliefs, surrender to being in my head, to fitting the world in my neat little box, surrender to what I have told myself society dictates as the "correct" way to act, to be...I can go right back to being the person I've been for the last 20 years of my life pretending to be in control of my life or can I surrender to something greater.  Something much bigger.  Something more powerful.  Something with the potential to transform the world.  Surrender to me.

What's the catch? you may be asking.  I mean it seems so black and white doesn't it?  It truly can't be that simple...or can it?  You're a smart one, you've been told all your life that the right thing to do is not always the easiest...but why can't it be?  Where in the universe does it say that everything must be so hard?  Why is choosing to be my true authentic self and really take a stand in creating my vision so difficult?

The simple answer?   Well...there is none.  I have let myself live in fear.  Fear runs my actions, it runs my life.  Why should I let fear win?  What amazing things will I create if I stay in fear?  The concept is so simple, so transparent, yet words come easy.  I can spit big game, I can say I want to change the world, I can claim to be trying.  I am a master of deception, so good that I have even fooled myself.  But deep down, I know it's all a facade.  I know it, even if I don't want to admit it at first...I know I'm a master at manipulating the situation, of playing victim, of convincing myself that i'm doing the best I can...I go through the motions to appear like I'm out there, but the entire time I'm protecting myself.  I am still living out of fear, and it's time to stop.  I have made progress, I am not discrediting my intentions or what I have created up till this point, but I am finally ready to give in.  To stop fighting to keep my fear, to give myself over to something greater, to a greater calling, to surrender to the person I was meant to be regardless of the costs.  The fear.

Surrender is not to give up, but to give in.  To give into why I am where I am...I have created this moment, I have created tonight, I have created everything in my life for this purpose...for this moment.  For in the end that is all we have...there is no past, no future...all we are given is the now.  And now, at long last, I am ready to surrender to the greatness inside of me.  Surrender to being the leader I am, the source of progress, a pillar of strength and light against the overwhelming darkness.  For if it's to be, it's up to me.  I will lead the way, however hard and lonely the path may seem at times, it is the one I choose.  I choose to be great, I choose to be brilliant, I choose to be the only thing I can be...ME.

And now I surrender to the night.  Tomorrow a new day begins.  A new life begins.  I've surrendered to the fear, for there is nothing to fear but fear itself.

A look at the past and the possibility of the future...

Hello again beautiful world!  How has life been treating you? I know I've been away for some time and this time I am not going to apologize for my lack of commitment to keeping up this stream of consciousnesses into the world, instead I am simply going to look ahead and re-commit to truly telling my story and possibly a couple of stories that are not my own...but more about that later.

So today I sat down to write again, after the urging of a friend (and probably one of my only dedicated followers at this time, you know who you are and thank you!) and a recent renewed excitement in my life, my dreams, my goals, and who I am.  I wasn't sure what I wanted to share with the world wide web first...as there have been a number of impactful and really key moments and discoveries I've made since my last post a few months ago.  My first thought was to look at all the posts I've written over time but never finished and have been marooned in my draft box for god knows how long, because in the past I'd get these spurts of inspiration and motivation and begin to write but stop for one reason or another.

I guess here I must go on a slight tangent for anything from this point on to make sense to you.  Simply stated my outlook on life and myself and my dreams and well...everything has undergone a major shift in the past month and half.  This is due to a transformational workshop series that I am part of.  I don't want to go into too much detail at this very moment for that would take far far too much time and I'm on a slight time crunch with class steadily approaching.  I'm sure many of you are confused and have countless questions and crazy thoughts swirling about in your heads when you hear the words "transformational workship" but all will be revealed in time...I promise.  All you need to know now is that the person I am now is the person I was always meant to be, the person I always was, only now I'm discovering what has held me back and allowing myself to truly step into my brilliance.  Sort of like a diamond in the rough analogy (yeay! another analogy from me...you must be thinking, are you suprised? lol)...the workshop was the mechanism; the machine that polished me so to speak and now I get to see how I shine and share that beauty with the world.  Ok, now that you're thinking I just got out of the loony bin and that there must have been some really strong koolade (which if there was it was delicious and I want more) I'll stop and just let you experience my shift as I have.

So back to the unfinished posts.  So I took a look down the list of posts I've published intermixed with the ones with the little red word in italics reading draft beside the titles and realized that I have a lot of unfinished thoughts just waiting to enter the world.  What better place to start then by giving them wings to fly?  Exactly, and how perfect is it that the oldest one dated over a year ago should be what follows...a post I began but could not finish because it was too open, to vulnerable, and at the time too scary to put out into cyberspace because it in very plain words spelled out a pain and what I had long perceived as a weakness I had struggled with and was constantly carrying around in the back of my mind.

When I began this blog over a year ago my first thoughts were to just write fluff pieces about the day to day of living in LA and the simply road and struggles of an actor.  This was during a time when I protected myself and my feelings and was so caged, and closed off that I didn't even always share my true feelings with my closest friends.  I never feel safe telling people what I was feeling, so I'd write.  In private, where no one would ever come across them.  And even at that most my entries about my feelings were so deeply encrypted with metaphor in the off chance someone my someday stumble over them they only painted a portrait of what I may be going through but never black and white came out with it.  Then I began this blog and there was no way in hell that I was going to share my secrets, my feelings where people WOULD be able to see them.  Yet something inside me was dying to, something was screaming out and here I was finally writing it plainly and I couldn't even finish, my fear was too much.  So here you go world, today is a new day and it's a new me...

2/7/11

So much to write, no motivation to put it down

     So it's now the second week of February, and I'm having that uneasy unsettled feeling I get periodically.  It's this horrible nagging anxiety that I wake up with and carry through my day, one that doesn't dissipate when I close my eyes at the end of the night like often my bad days or moods do.  No, this is the sticking type, the "oh shit, here we go again" feeling where i feel like everything is wrong and all I struggle with the internal battle of let's figure it out, let's fix it, let's be productive and make some changes and force this away again and the I just want to sit in my house, be a hermit, watch tv and do nothing, not even eat a full meal feeling which is so counter productive to living or moving forward or anything good.  I don't know how long I've had these bad spells, but I do know the first time one got bad enough for me to react to them the way I do.  I mean everyone has those days, those days when you don't really want to talk to anyone or do much, when you just feel...off but most of the time they go away as easily as they come, right?
     Well not always.  My worst was when I stopped feeling the urgency of living.  Not to say I wanted to stop living, no not at all, but I just stopped seeing the point in waking up, getting out of bed, doing ANYTHING.  I spent four days in my room in college without the will to make myself get up and go to class, wondering how just a few days before it seemed so easy to get up, to go to the gym, to go to campus, to see people, laugh, talk, go to intermural sport games and cheer on my friends.  I had been feeling anxious, apprehensive, unsettled, just off for a while but I never expected it to go that far.  I knew something was wrong, I knew the way I was feeling was not right, was dangerous, and I didn't want to be that person, feel that way, I wanted to live, I wanted to laugh, I wanted to be able to just get up without thinking about it and go about my day like everyone else could, like I had just the week before...but as much as I willed myself to just do it, to just fix myself, I couldn't.  I couldn't figure out the cause of my downward spiral into this horrible depression, I had a good life, I had so much going for me, so much to be thankful for and I knew it.  I wrote lists, I wrote journal entries trying to figure out what it was that caused it or what it was that would stop it, but mainly I just laid there in bed, listening to the world go on outside my windows, feeling the sun streaming in across my body, and wishing I could be normal again.
     I was willing to try anything to cure myself, to get back to the living, to blissfully and ignorantly go on with my life, to care about the unimportant, to just be, and be happy.  When I had the strength to get up and out of my room I went to a therapist,

Do you see where I stop?  It may mean little to you but to me...it's so telling.  All my life I felt I needed to appear strong, to lean on no one, to be able to figure it out myself, on my own, alone...and you know what I found...what that therapist told me?  She told me that I needed to reach out, to open up to people, to choose one or two people in my life and really share myself with them, to create a deeper connection because relationship is what life is about.  So I did.  At first.  And it helped, I gained my best guy friend during that time who to this day is still my best friend and who I turn to in my best and my worst never afraid of judgement and without whom I don't know if I'd have stayed sane through the last 5 years.  But of course as you can tell from that post it wasn't a solve all because I didn't fully grasp the concept.  So I made a couple new close friends but once I felt "cured" and alive again then I went back to my self protective mode with everyone else and you see how well it served me.  Being open and vulnerable is not a bad thing I have discovered, it's not a weakness to ask for support or to show your emotion.  In fact it is quite the opposite.  It creates connection and intimacy and allows others to feel safe opening up to me as well, and that creates love, joy, openness, honesty, courage, passion, and empowerment.  All things beautiful and good in the world.  The funniest thing is, that unfinished post you just read...it really isn't that bad.  So, I battled depression.  Why should I see that as a weakness...so many millions of people go through the same thing each and every year.  No, if anything I should be proud of it, I battled and won.  I am STRONG and my pain and my courage to conquer are not negatives but really positives.  They create who I am, and I get to see that time in my life as a triumph, a win, not a weakness at all.

And I'm not saying it's easy to see it that way, to be open, to be vulnerable.  No, not at all.  And I'm not saying that I'm always that way, I mean come on, I have 28 years of living my life believing that it was scary and bad to be open, that vulnerability creates pain and only a very short time of realizing that those beliefs are incorrect so yes, I still slip back into the fear but as soon as I feel myself shutting down, the very moment I feel my walls start to go up...I stop, and focus out.  Give rather than take, because I am complete and when I believe I can make a difference I do...in my own life and the lives of those around me.  We are all living in fear, so why not be the one to stand in possibility instead?  If I do...will you follow me?

No excuses.

Today someone asked me two seemingly simple questions.

- What are the excuses you are making that are keeping you from achieving what it is you want?
- If it was easy to go out there and get, what would you do?

Of course my first reaction was to roll my eyes and think oh great, I know how this goes, I know what answers they want to hear but it really IS hard to get what I want...there really ARE obstacles that are not in my power...this is lame but instead I smiled and went along with the game.  Everyone wants an agent I responded to the first, for that truly is how it feels at times.

"Everyone?"  They retorted with, "well I'm not looking for an agent, and there are lots of people with them...so surely not everyone."  Yes, ok, I knew that was coming I thought as internally I once again rolled my eyes...but I nodded outwardly, for I know it is the truth.  Well I would go out and get one, I answered in response to the second question, the obvious answer...the one they clearly wanted to hear.

"Well then what is stopping you?" they unsurprisingly shot back.  Yep, saw that one coming too my cynical and prideful side sarcastically thought while I bit my tongue as to not let any of that pigheadedness escape into the world.  It is true you know.  We make excuses to why we cannot achieve our goals, why it's so impossible that we shouldn't even bother trying and we convince ourselves that there is nothing we can do about it to make us feel better about our inaction.  The biggest thing standing between us and achieving what it is we want whether it be happiness, love, prosperity, growth, is ourselves.  We are so afraid of failure, afraid of rejection, afraid of success that we simply make excuses and don't really, truly, try.  Of course we all aren't like this...there are those who go out there and get what they want.  We call them the go-getters, and envy their drive, their determination, their ultimate success and happiness from our safe little windows in the restrictive boxes we place ourselves.  We convince ourselves that we, unlike them, can't do that.  But why?

For years I've known that I am my biggest enemy, that the thing holding me back most is nothing more than myself and my fears.  I've contemplated why it is that everyone else believes in me more than I believe in myself...and I've come to the determination that in the end I am afraid of success.  Logical right?  Because if I got everything I wanted then what?  What?  I'd be happy?  Heaven forbid!  And yes, I'm being quite sarcastic and self demeaning here...but not without cause.  I've always been the one to sabotage the good things in my life as if subconsciously I wanted to stay miserable, that being unhappy is safe.  I talk about wanting to be happy, I think about it constantly, I read books and articles claiming to have the answers to finding it, but if I am to be entirely honest...there's part of me that knows that I am what is standing in my own way.  It's simple to see, but so hard to truly admit...perfect example is my adolescent reactions to the simple questions that are meant to help me.  My quick defensive responses and smart-alec quips placing the blame off myself where I know it does indeed lie, thinking this is so stupid when I know really...it is not.

I've always been that way...and I don't know when or how it began.  This want and need to not face the truth, to ignore it, to excuse myself from blame when things go wrong.  I mean I know we all do it, and that I'm not among the worst...that even though I feel these urges or think the thoughts I know deep down that I need to suffocate them, hide them; I know that they are not the appropriate responses.  But does that make me better or worse than those who are clueless?  For at least I should know better, knowing better.

So what is standing in my way?  Nothing.  Nothing that should be there, nothing that I do not have the power to change.  What am I going to do?  I'm going to go out there and get what I want, what I need.  I have no more excuses...it's time to stop wallowing in self pity and being sad for what I do not have...it is time to change the game.  Time to change myself.  Time to look forward to success and not fear it...time to achieve.

And I want you, my reader to do the same.  Ask yourself what it is you really want...what is it you are telling yourself is standing in your way...and if it was easy to do...what would you do?  You may be surprised.

**Side note...I have at least 10 old posts that I've begun and yet never finished spanning the last year.  Things I was passionate enough about to sit down and start to write but never write that last word and hit publish...what was stopping me?  Maybe it's time to change that.  Maybe it's time to complete what I've begun in all aspects of my life.  Be on the lookout for the revival of old topics...**

The past...

So I just had my 10 year high school reunion this weekend, and it's a funny thing about reunions...no matter how much you think you won't or try not to be affected by the past and who you were then, you inevitably fall into your same role.  Perhaps just for a brief moment before you realize how utterly ridiculous it is that you have become your teenage self again, or maybe you never notice and end up hanging out with your old friends all night recreating those old high school cliques unwittingly.  Either way, you are not immune to the mysterious power that is and was your adolescence, and I was no exception.  I was excited to go to my reunion, even though the realization that I was really that old was a bit unnerving.  I knew that I was a different person now than I was back then, that I've been one of those who has come into her own after graduation, and I was ready to shine.  Don't get me wrong, I loved my time at RHS, maybe more in memory than in actuality roaming those halls day in and day out, and I was not looking forward to all the "what do you do now?" questions...but I was confident and that right there made all the difference.  To say I was shy back in high school is an understatement, I was really shy, really quiet, really insecure, and yet...I wanted nothing else but to not be. This is not to be mistaken with soft spoken or timid, I had no problem telling you what was on my mind...but only if you talked to me first.  I hated the fact that I gravitated to the corners of the room, that I stood in silence instead of standing in the spotlight making jokes, but what could I do?  I mean still I have those moments of self doubt in social situations but hell, I'm an actor and you'll be damned if I let those rule my life anymore.  I thought I'd go into the reunion confident and strong and ready to talk to people and find out how they too have changed...only to find that none of us really did change...or did we?

Ok, so maybe I'm not being fair.  I know for a fact that some of us did.  Take my friend who I went with for example, a wonderful vibrant confident and undoubtedly gorgeous woman who back in senior high was, believe it or not, quieter than even me.  Seriously, I had to convince her to even go to our prom.  Back then she was the same wonderful sweet and beautiful girl as she is now...just add ten years, a bottle of peroxide, some stilleto heels, and confidence that is unassuming yet sparkling with self assurance and you've got a force to be reckoned with.  You've also got a girl who had no problem working the room and laughed at the end of the night recalling how may people had said they didn't remember her in high school.  Seriously, I admired her and the ease at which she appeared to have shed her 17 year old self.  I wasn't quite so lucky and noticed myself playing it safe most the night, talking to people that I had known at least slightly well (or as well as a quiet shy girl could have) back in High School during the reunion.  I mean to be honest we all knew everyone we graduated regardless of whether or not we had ever actually spoken to them only having a class of around 300...and of the 75 or so that showed up to the event most of them were all people you'd expect to see there...people from roughly the same social circles that overlapped from time to time or had mingled at parties (or shown up to them) back in the day.  There were the leadership crowed, the partiers, the "cool jocks" (because we most definitely had the uncool ones too), the ones that went to the dances and the football games and hung out in the front parking lot for lunch and after school.  The ones that if my High School had been a movie...were the ones the movie would undoubtedly include as the semi cool kids, the ones you'd expect to go off to good colleges and join fraternities and sororities (and I'm pretty certain most of us did just that).  The "ultra" cool kids who cut class and smoked cigarettes, the "mean girls," the "drama freaks," the "nerds," well most of them were mia this Friday night...minus a stray straggler here and there.

This is not to say everyone that was there that night had been part of the same circle because we were not, but generally speaking there were no huge surprise appearances, and no crazy "omg did you see so and so" moments.  Yes.  We all looked pretty much the same...if not better than we had back then.  At least those of us who came, but back to the point.  Sometime in the night I remember looking around and realizing how strange it was.  I saw what I would have considered my group of friends at the photo booth, all getting ready to take photos and contemplated joining them because after all, wasn't I part of their group?  And yet, I stopped, I hesitated, instead of running over and joining in on the fun I told myself no, they were better friends, I was just on the outskirts of that group, quiet and doubtful...and I watched them from afar take a set of group photos that I should have been in.  So strange too, because looking back there is no way that I would have done anything but add to that photo, for those WERE my friends back then...yet I was momentarily frozen with the same insecurities that I had in high school.  The fear of imposing where I was not welcome, where I may not belong in someone else's eyes...that same fear that kept me shy and quiet back then was again holding me back now.  And I realized as I looked at my classmates...I was not alone.  True some of them were off comfortably mingling with people they may not have been friends with back in the day, but most of them were sticking to those friends that they had been the closest too... reminiscing no doubt and reconnecting in some cases...but also staying where they felt most comfortable, back in those social cliques we all stuck to that helped us not feel so alone in those lost years of youth.  By the end of the reunion everyone remaining had either made enough trips to the bar or come to the same realization that I had and begun to loose those old teenage inhibitions and return to their normal adult selves and that's when the fun really began.  That's when you had conversations with people you never talked to before, when you approached your old crush to see who they were now, when you realized that you were missing out on some really awesome people, or that people you thought were awesome really didn't stack up.  And yes, I'm most definitely referring to my own personal experience here.

But in the end, I guess what the moral of the story is, the entire reason for taking you my reader down this rabbit hole of memory lane with me...is that no matter how much we think we've changed, no matter how far we've come in our lives...we really are always who were back then.  And I'm not just talking about High School, but at every point in our lives, the high moments, the lows, and everything in between.  Yes people change, people grow, we are never the exact same person we were just moments before...but we never escape the past, for the past has made us what we are now.  We should embrace it, not run from it, even if we think it did nothing but inhibit us.  It should be a strength within us, not something we cover up and try to hide away.

I am the shy, quiet, horribly insecure girl I was then.  But that is my strength, not my weakness.  I am also a wonderful, confident, strong woman who is not afraid to go after her dreams...and stand here today before you and say...

I'm done running away from my past, done trying to forget things and mistakes I have made.  Perhaps it's easy for me to say, I have not made any giant irreversible stumbles on my path to who I am now...but we all have had our moments.  Regardless, we should not dwell on those times rather look how far we have come, look how much stronger, better, more amazing we are now.  And if you cannot relate...then maybe it is time you looked at your past, and re-evaluated who you are now, who you think you are, and who you want to be.

All in all, I'm glad I went.  It was a lot different than I had expected, though I'm not quite sure what it was that I thought I was going to be experiencing.  I know for one thing though, it was a lot weirder than I had thought it would be, and yet still a lot of fun (granted the multiple trips to the bar to visit my friend Jamie and coke may have helped with that a bit).  I do wish though, that more people had gone, that the people that hung out on the fringes of the student body had proudly walked into that room and been able to do what my friend did so well...and me, well, less well...been comfortable with who we are now, and shown those who we may have looked up to or shied away from, that we are and always were just as amazing as ever.

Be strong, be happy, be wonderful, be you.

Another year...another inspiration

So it's dead midnight on the Monday before thanksgiving and there's a lot of things swimming through my mind.  Some of it old thoughts and ideas stuck swirling for weeks even months and some of it new, fresh, and bright.  These new ideas, these new bursts of light seeping through the cracks of my muddled and cloudy conscious are the important ones, the ones that inspire me and motivate me to sit here before you on my father's computer in the wee hours of the morning almost a week into my much needed escape from the clutches of LA and all that it is.  Yes, I'm home, where I grew up and where I will always feel the most at peace and I'm finally starting to feel refreshed, alive again.  It only took five days.  Seriously LA drains me more and more...and maybe it's not just LA, perhaps I'm only using the city as a scapegoat to blame my increasing unhappiness and restlessness on, but either way I'm so glad to be here, where the air is cleaner, the stars are brighter, and my struggles seem a million miles away...for now.

Also, it's the first time I've been able to sit down at a computer and write for a while now.  Granted I could have used this computer any given day or night that I've been home but of course I had to wait for inspiration, that extra push, the urge to let my fingertips fly across the keyboard and the freedom to let my thoughts spill forth onto the screen.  And I cannot tell you the joy it gives me now to sit down and write, I've been looking forward to this trip with greater anticipation than usual for this reason alone.  You see, I don't know if I've told you before, but I am cursed.  Electronics hate me and I don't say this lightly.  Seriously, they do.  It's a real big pain too, this been the age of technology and I fear it's only going to grow increasingly worse as the years go on.  It's not my choice either as I pride myself on knowing how things work...and how to fix them when they break and it's much to my frustration that I find myself helpless when it comes to technological failure.  And fail, they do.  It's as inevitable, and unavoidable as catching a cold when the weather changes...or in my case, worse.  Seriously, I get sick less often than my electronics fail me or short or just plain refuse to function properly for me.  The best part is no one else can explain my constant and ridiculous bad luck with computers, phones, my wii remotes, stereos, pretty much anything of that nature.  So why am I going on and on about this you may wonder?  Well, I guess what it all comes down to in all relevance to this post is...I've been virtually computer less for about a month now, and let me tell you, that's an awful state to be in if you're me.

Have you tried going without your computer for a month?  I dare you to try it even for a week.  Seriously, pretend your computer refuses to work for you, takes forever (and ten tries) to load properly and then freezes ever time you click on an icon or open a window.  To get to your e-mail it takes you 30 minutes, and just to read one another 10.  Forget about trying to write, with that lag time you are lucky to get 3 sentences down in an hour, and if you make a typo you're screwed.  Seem like a really bad nightmare?  Well that was the hell I was living for the past 5 weeks!  Lucky for me my phone didn't decide to poop out as well, so I was still semi connected to the world...but really, how much can you get done on a smart phone?  I was so disconnected with the world and at a time of such change it couldn't have been worse.  I all of a sudden found myself with more free time having finally quit my job at the bar and having taken this month off from classes at Playhouse West (a tough but in the end logical call seeing as I would be missing two weeks of class for this trip along with an additional class for a commercial I booked that I will write about later), but less social opportunities having been working so much before and so disconnected from everyone due to scheduling and now with no way other than a small two by four screen to reconnect with.  This of course added to my unrest and unhappiness as I became a homebody due to circumstance created a very very unhappy me.  But I'm not here to dive into my misery or the darkness I found myself entering, all I knew was that I was becoming a miserable person that even I didn't like being around, and that I needed a change.

So back to the present, it's three days before Thanksgiving and close to half way through my little vacay from life and I'm ready for a new positive outlook.  I'm ready to be the me that is happy and optimistic and charming and fun to be around, the person that I should be for really, I have so much to be thankful for.  It's kind of sad to thing that it is so easy to loose sight of all that we have going for us, that we need a specific holiday to remind us that our lives are good, that we are lucky in so many ways.  I think about this a lot, even in my moments of the deepest self pity, when all I want to do is wallow around in my own unhappiness (don't judge, you know you have those moments too) I know that I'm being ridiculous.  I know that I'm being stupid because there is so so much that is wonderful in my life, and I am ever grateful for all that is good all that I have regardless of how much self loathing I feel.  Sounds confusing to you?  Believe me it baffles me too.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that I want to take a moment to remember the great things in my life, the accomplishments I have achieved however small or large, and to put out there to the universe in black and white with you as my witness what it is I am going to achieve.  The promises I make to myself.

Perhaps this new motivation is a product of my birthday having just passed, since every year I get older I make a new promise that this is the year I achieve greatness, achieve happiness.  Perhaps it's due to my ten year reunion being this week and a subconscious alarm that is triggering some sort of fear that I'm wasting my life away and loosing my youth.  Possibly it's that LA really has been draining the life from me or maybe it's my increasing notion of distaste for the city of dreams, this trip like a ray of sunlight cutting through the dark clouds that were hovering over me for the last month.  Or maybe it simply seems the right thing to do with Thanksgiving on the horizon, either way this is what I'm thankful for...

The love of a family that although they may not like the decisions you make, support you till the end.
That I know I can always pick up the phone and call my mom when I need someone to talk to.
The amazing friends that will be there for me till the end, the ones that don't let me down.
The place in which I grew up, and how hard my parents worked and still work to be able to provide it to me.
My health, it truly astounds me sometimes how rarely I get sick (knock on wood!).
My logic...even if it is to a fault.
My morals and way in which I look at the world.  I'm a thinker and I wouldn't know how else to be.
Being lucky enough to be of mixed race, we are the future :)
Being self sufficient, and independent.
My apartment, and the fact that I can provide myself a home that is truly mine.
My job, it may not be the most lucrative but it's a job, and I like it.
That I am chasing my dreams, no matter how rough the road may be at times.
That I have people that believe in me, sometimes even more than I believe in myself.
That I am a free thinker, in a nation that allows me to be so.
That I live on a coast...in California...where people are more open minded and the weather is nice.
That I've had a chance to see the world, even if it was only a small chance...for now.
That I'm never quite satisfied, always looking for ways to grow and improve and learn.
That there is food on my table, and that I have never known true hunger.
That I know no matter what happens, I will be ok.
The faith in the universe, and the knowledge that life is a gift.
That I'm alive, and that I have this adventure to live.

Of course there are so many more things that I have to be thankful for, the list can truly go on forever.  Even things that we see as negatives can often be positives if seen from a different light, but at the end of the day we must simply be thankful for that day.  For the gift of life, of waking up in the morning, of the world around us, of who we are and the people and things that have made us that way.  We will never know the true meaning to life so what is the use of doing anything but living it to the best of our ability?  And that's what I'm trying to do, I may stumble, I may fall along the way, but in the end I'll always get back up.  I'll always find a new reason to be inspired, a new angle in which to turn things around...and I'm ready to fight for my life, for happiness, for the joy that this great adventure can bring...again.

The struggle that makes us stronger...

They said this would happen, they said this time would come...and I don't fool myself into believing that this will be the only point on my journey where I feel defeated, lost, frustrated.  The roads we choose to follow...the ones that mean something to us, the ones we feel passionate about...those are the ones that will cut us down, trip us up, make us doubt ourselves and our path and it is up to us and us alone to pick ourselves up, clean our scrapes and stand strong.  We have two choices when things get rough...push on or give up.  It is at those junctures, at those moments that we find out what is really important to us...and how stubborn or strong willed we are.  Maybe it's a mistake, maybe it won't amount to anything...but on the slight chance that we do make it, that we do achieve the impossible, that we do make our dreams come true...well...is that worth it to you?

So here I stand, questioning myself, questioning if this is really the path to my happiness, if this is right for me...questions that I cannot hope to answer, that only time will tell.  Everything in the past is 20/20...the future is a great unknown, like walking through a thick fog...we can only see what is right in front of us at the time, all the squinting and straining our eyes will not prove to clear the mist any more than charging right at it will...so might as well take that leap of faith.  At least this is what I tell myself, I don't think I'm half as brave as I claim to be...all the motivational things I say and subscribe to, they are just as much to convince myself as they are to convince others.  It will be ok.  Things will turn out how they should.  We will end up happy.  Faith, faith in the unknown, faith in the journey, faith in yourself and the world.  Say it enough and you'll believe it, right?  That's how I've become who I am...that's how I conquered shyness, that's how I forgot about what others may think of me with their judging eyes and unkind words through school, that's how I get through each day...I have to believe, I have to hold onto that hope that my words are true.  We are nothing without hope, without faith, and no, not the faith in heaven or hell or god or whatever it is you may believe...simply faith that one day we'll all be able to look back on our struggles, on our dark moments and know that it was all just part of the journey.  The adventure.  And it was not, all for nothing.

Strength, we must have strength to pull us through.  We must shut out our doubts, our worries, our insecurities and stay strong.  Some may call it pig-headed, I prefer stubborn.  Stubborn isn't always a bad thing, as my parents would have had me believe growing up...and yes, I've been accused of being stubborn to a fault in my past, but if you can use that perseverance in a productive way...well...you can achieve the impossible.  Thank goodness I'm a little stubborn, what doesn't kill me only makes me stronger.  Criticism keeps me hungry...pushes me forward, no one likes to feel like they are failing, and loosing is not something I easily accept.  I'm competitive to a fault, this I will admit.  I've spent years avoiding activities that may result in defeat, playing it safe, never letting myself hope or strive for what it is I really want...for fear that the defeat will be too much.  I wish I could loose gracefully, I wish I could stop that need to "win" to be good at everything because we all know that's impossible.  Perfection is not achievable and we must learn to be satisfied with ourselves...yet never loose the drive to be better.  It's a thin line we walk...and I'm learning how to fight again, to channel that competitiveness, that stubborn child I used to be, to have it be a positive and not the negative it once was.

Which brings us back to today, and the reason I'm writing this post.  Well, today after class I cried.  Not a long crazy world crashing down sort of cry...no.  Not a self pitying break down, or a wounded feelings pouting cry either.  No, that's not my style...and if you know me, you know crying is so not my thing.  It was simply an accumulation of the growing frustration and aggravation that I've been dismissing week after week after being told over and over that my work was sub par.  Of course, they don't say it in those exact words, and we are not supposed to take their criticism personally...even though they are tying to teach us to take everything else personally...but in the end that is what they are saying.  And I'm not fighting them, I'm not denying that everything they are saying is not true...because quite honestly it is.  I've been struggling, I've been frustrated with myself, annoyed that something so seemingly simple is proving to be so ridiculously hard.  If I could only get it...if I could only bring in an activity that they approve of, that they like, then maybe I won't be told once again that my activity is not good...and perhaps then I can get feedback on what it is I'm there for...my acting, my truthfulness.  Of course, I'm sure I'm going about it the wrong way.  So afraid to fail again I'm focusing on pleasing the teacher instead of finding something that is truthful and meaningful to me, and each class, each week, I become more panicked more afraid that I'm starting to dread those early Tuesday and Friday mornings.  So today, I gave in.  I let go of the need to stay strong outwardly and let my emotions sweep over me, let the frustration and defeat in and the tears well up in my eyes and be ok with it.  To cry, but just for a moment and only because I know that in that moment, when I questioned everything, when I wanted to simply give up, when I wished nothing more than to let go of my dream...that I wouldn't.  That I would return again on Friday with a new activity ready for new criticism, that this was just one of many countless more times when I'd wish nothing more than to give up, to throw in the towel and take the safer more traveled road, just one time that I'd stumble hard and have to brush myself off...to ignore the scrapes and bruises and the temptation to turn around.  I've come too far, and I'm far far too stubborn to let this deter me from what it is I want.

I simply must work harder.  Stand stronger.  Believe more diligently.  Have more faith.

Sometimes I just want a hug and to be told it all will work out in the end, that it's ok...but sometimes no one is there, we cannot rely on others to always pick us up when we fall.  We must learn to stand on our own two feet and achieve.  To smile and remember that my life is wonderful...now I just have to make it what I want it to be.

One step closer...fingers crossed!

So, this month has been nuts.  I know I keep saying that but seriously I'm continuously shocked at how much crazier things can get when I already thought they were pretty crazy to begin with.  I don't even know where to begin...this week alone has been one crazy ride.  From getting away on the weekend which was a crazy and much needed vacation.  It renewed my faith in people and life and love, it felt like a dream...everything was amazing and perfect and too good to be true.  I left SB floating on a cloud but afraid to admit it for fear of the cloud giving way beneath my feet.  I then had a crazy long night bonding and partying with co-workers and feeling like I was part of a group and loving it.  I finally convinced myself to have faith that this cloud would not break...only to have it rain on my happiness a few days later leaving me broken and confused.  Then last night the tides changed again and here I am...not sure whether to be happy, or cautious, or angry...sitting again waiting for my world to crash down or for the sun to break through...and yes...I am talking in code.  Perhaps I'll care to expand at a later date...but since this blog is dedicated to my progress in the acting world here we go...

So I guess the most relevant topic to share with you today would be the phone call I received this morning.  Short, sweet, and full of promise.  I tell myself to not get my hopes up...it's simply the next step and I could never get that final phone call...but then again...I just might... "Hello Stephanie, this is Summer (my commercial agent).  You've been put on avail for Southern California Edison so I just need to check the dates with you..."  Avail.  AVAIL!  That means I might book it!  That means I didn't bomb like I felt like (having had that previous emotional roller coaster ride I mentioned interfere with my concentration)!  Yes, it doesn't mean I booked it yet...I could never get that final call telling me where to be and when, but it's a step closer than I have been before, and that, well, that's progress.

This is the first audition I've been sent out on in months, it's not a national spot and it's a 2 year buyout so I won't be receiving any residuals until after 2013 if at all, but it's still work...and that right there would be progress.  So last Wednesday night I received a text alert telling me that I had been requested to audition the following day for Southern California Edison for the role of "Nurse."  So of course I hopped online and confirmed...2:30 in Hollywood.  Left training early, got over to the casting studio and was ready to claim this role.  Heck, I can be a nurse...I'm ambiguously asian/hispanic/whatever and I can easily play friendly and helpful, it's the story of my life.  In and out in 5 minutes and back in my car feeling good about the audition and of course wishing I played this or that more but still overall pretty satisfied.  Then comes the weekend's madness and Tuesday I get a call...I've got a callback tomorrow in Santa Monica...2:30.  Well good thing I didn't end up going on that Vegas trip after all, so on Wed I get up and get ready, leave class early and make my way to Santa Monica.  Here's where I get a little messed up...and yes, you may have guessed it, it's about a guy.  Isn't it always?  This is why I told myself I don't need to worry about dating...or relationships...or anything of that sort, they are just distractions and cause unnecessary stress and pain when I cannot afford to have my concentration broken.  But that's always easier said then done...but back to the story.

So I go into the callback trying so hard to forget anything that's going on in my life...to just concentrate, to do what I came to do.  It looks like it's just me and one other girl up for the role, these are awesome odds...I just need to outshine.  They call my name and it's come on Stephanie...concentrate...this is what you want, what you need, you deserve this role...  I walk into the room and there's four people.  Three seated and one who ushers me in and goes behind the monitor and camera on the right side.  He pulls up a chair for me and a table to pretend is the pregnant lady (I'm giving their first ultrasound) while the other three converse with one another in Spanish...the topic?  A salad.  Yes, a salad.  And here I am...standing or sitting rather, in front of them about to preform and they haven't even batted an eye or given me a second look, no hello no nothing.  So then the guy behind the camera says ok...so it's the same thing as last time...slate, profiles, and start.  So I do, feeling kinda detached and distant, forcing the actions and the smiles and thinking oh no, oh no...concentrate...and then it's over.  The three on the couch nod and the girl on the right says "ok" and that's it...I stand, thank them...and before I know it I'm standing back out in the waiting room wondering what just happened, and kicking myself for being so removed from what was going on.  Damn distractions.  I try to brush it off...I mean you never know, they could have liked it, the other girl could do horribly, who knows...all I can do is let it go and wait.

And then I get the call today.  After a long night at work, and a little pick me up from my blues...and a whole lot of randomness that I have only begun to process.  Goes to show you really do never know, you may think you did great and never get a call...or you may think you did awful or at least not as good as you know you could have...and still make the cut.  So now it's fingers crossed, it's time I book my first real paying gig...and with all that's going on in my life I feel like it would just make sense.  I feel like my time is now, that I'm ready and that the universe is going to open up to me...and I hope that this cliff I'm slowly edging my way onto won't give way below me but rather support me and carry my on to greater heights.  In life, in love, in entirety.

Hope, we must have hope...and faith.  And we must learn to turn our backs on our fears, because sooner or later you must let go of that safety net and fly...even if it means we may fall.