So I guess we're about due for a new post and my, how quickly things change. Last time I wrote about being inspired, feeling motivated, achieving your dreams and not letting anything or anyone get in the way. Well, not even a month later and how the tables have turned. That's just like life though, and we must learn to roll with the punches and enjoy the crazy ride for in the end, there's really no use fighting it.
I'm not saying that I've lost that drive or motivation or belief in myself and my "destiny," no, not at all...I'm just saying that sometimes life has a different plan for us and we have to let go and let the current take us downstream. In the end we will eventually end up in the ocean, but how we get there is not always determined by us. So July has come and gone and silly me to think August would be less hectic and allow me to concentrate on my goals and joys, for I have quickly found that not to be the case. If anything, August is crazier than July, not by choice but by obligation. My wants are superseded by my needs; mainly my need to survive.
At Playhouse west our teachers love telling us the story of James Franco...the golden boy of PW. I love James Franco, I think he is brilliant and talented and definitely one of the great actors of my generation not to mention super hot. I've loved him for a while and his work just seems to get better and better, he truly is an artist, and I am clearly not alone in my admiration. Needless to say, if you ever take a class at Playhouse West you will undoubtedly hear his name over and over and over until quite frankly, you are a little sick of hearing it. But that is not what I'm getting at, and not what I want you to take from this tangent. James has not gotten to where he is by luck, or by chance, he is and was dedicated to his craft, his work, his dream. I don't know how many times I've heard the story of how for a time he lived in his car while dedicating all his time to rehearsing and class and acting and projects with his fellow students and how that is the very dedication that is required to achieve what he has. While I admire James and his drive and his hardship and sacrifices, I have too strong a sense of obligation and responsibility to support myself to ever allow myself to fall on such hardships. Don't get me wrong, I am in no way disparaging those who find themselves homeless or down on their luck, I do not know their story of how they got there and I am almost positive it was not by choice, all I am trying to say is that I was raised to always take care of your basic needs first. Shelter, food, pay your bills on time, don't live outside your means. Life humble and work hard and once you find stability then you can indulge in the rest, in what you love.
So August finds me regrettably dedicating my time and energy not to class, rehearsals, and showcases like July, but to work. Work and obligations, responsibilities, and putting the ducks in a row. I fought with myself the first Tuesday of the month, up and dressed, ready for class at 8:30am still a little exhausted from Vegas the weekend before (the batchelorette party) and knowing that the month ahead would not allow me the time necessary to be a dedicated student or even attend class regularly. I had just started training at a new job since my current one was undergoing drastic policy changes and with them it seemed soon I would not be able to support myself and my class tuition. So here I was, forced to look elsewhere for the means to my end and juggling my current shifts while trying to show my new job that I was just as serious about them as my new currently jobless colleges were. I wanted so badly to continue my classes and dedication to moving forward with my dreams as well, but it just didn't seem plausible...or smart to try to juggle this new commitment along with all that I was already doing. Plus, since it was new restaurant their training schedule was not set in stone I was never sure when I would be expected to there at the drop of a hat, many times interfering with class time. I attempted once or twice to do both, go to class and then make it to training but since class and the job were on opposite sides of LA, I was consistently late, racing all over town to make it to class, training, and often work.
As I sat there in my apartment watching the minutes roll by debating whether or not to get into my car and to the first class of the new month, fighting with myself and trying to find any way in my mind that I could continue all my classes and both work schedules I finally resigned the fact that responsibility outweighs passion. It just did not seem reasonable or even possible, so finally I made the hard decision that something had to give. It couldn't be work because I need to support myself, it couldn't be training and the new job because without it class is not an option, I had already decided to take another break from the theater company, and I couldn't take a month off of Grey's or I'd be ineligible again for the next showcase and deprive myself of the chance to preform in front of industry individuals and possibly my future representation, so that left only one option. Playhouse West. Playhouse being the greater time commitment with the twice weekly classes and outside rehearsals and reading lists (all the books having just ordered and been delivered to my doorstep just days before), all of which I loved and wanted to truly dedicate my time to. I knew I'd be cheating myself and my classmates if I half-assed it; if I simply showed up to class tired and drained and was a warm body but nothing more. I would not get anything out of it and neither would my peers who were chosen to work with me. Not to mention my fierce pride and competitive nature. If I'm to do something I am adamant on doing it right, and I knew I couldn't honestly tell myself I would be able to.
So here I am...half way through the month with finally a moment to spare to open my soul to the world and I am no closer to finding that balance needed to invest my time back into what it is I love and miss. I sometimes wish I could be so free to live out of my car like James...but then I realize that above all, I must survive, and the only way I know how is this way. You work hard, you make sacrifices, and you will in time, succeed. I may be juggling two jobs, I may have stopped auditioning, I may have had to stop going to class but this is not the end, this is not over, I have simply pressed pause on the soundtrack of my dreams, the last note suspended in time and space, hanging, waiting until it is once again clear for the needle to drop and the music to begin again as if nothing ever changed. And I too am waiting, hanging, going through the motions and living the moments not for what I want but what I need. Everything else is secondary, I work, I sleep, I eat, I make social appointments with only those who mean the most to me simply to keep myself sane, and I hope for that day to come soon when I can once again simply work to support my dream, not make my work my life.
Monday, August 15, 2011
Thursday, July 21, 2011
Destined for greatness...
I don't have cable, or any type of television service for that matter...too expensive and too distracting. But what I do have is internet, hulu, and a netflix password all of which are just as, if not more, distracting. Go figure. Streaming TV shows are my guilty pleasure, they provide hours of mindless entertainment, when one episode is done you simply click next to see the next. No waiting a week, no commercial breaks...extremely dangerous. So much so that I've been quite rapidly depleting the number of quality series available at the touch of a mouse, it's a little depressing but entirely irrelevant to the topic at hand, so let's begin...
Lately I'm on a historical fiction kick. I was always a sucker for castles, kingdoms, and the medieval time period. Growing up I was obsessed with Ireland. I'd spend countless hours in my room or on the hill across the street dreaming up elaborate fantasy worlds with thick accents and rich histories of birthrights, valiance, and romance. So, it's no surprise that once I ran out of Dexter seasons, The Office, and HIMYM, I turned to shows of that nature. Granted they may not be the most well written or witty shows out there but there is something that can be taken from them, something that dawned on me recently and has had a profound effect on me since. It's not a new idea or revelation -- you've surely heard it before -- but it is no less groundbreaking and powerful when you come to realize it yourself. I got to thinking about the shows I've been watching and the impossible feats and obstacles that the protagonists are faced with and overcome and it hit me. The characters in these shows cannot loose, they cannot fail, against all odds they must succeed, there is no option of failure. If they fail they loose everything, including their lives for it is their destiny to achieve greatness and to fail your destiny is to fail much more than just yourself.
Never once is it said that their destiny is a sure thing, never once does it say the future is unchangeable, they still must fight for it, suffer for it, struggle and face these seemingly impossible obstacles, they must give their all, their sweat, their tears, their every hope and dream, and many times they come so close to loosing, to dying, to failing, but they never ever give up. And why? Because they have the knowledge that they were meant for this, that they have a higher calling, that failure is NOT an option. It is their destiny to be the King, to unite the land, to be the greatest sorcerer of all time. It doesn't matter what it is, what matters is that they must fulfill it, no questions asked, no if and or buts.
But what if our lives were like that? What if we were told we were destined for greatness and we actually believed it? What if failure, although always a possibility, was not an option because our destiny awaited? What would we do differently? What would change?
We are always told as children we can be whatever we want; we can change the world...but what if instead we were told we will change the world, that it is written in the histories of man, written in the stars; that we are the stuff of legends and that we must now go out there and become that person that it is said we will be? Can you imagine how differently we would act if we knew for certain or truly believed that we would achieve our dreams, that we must? So many of us want things, want to be better, want to be smarter, want to be more than we are...but what if these wants were not simply things we longed for but things imperative to fulfilling our true purpose? We would not put them off, we would not say "well I didn't get to the gym today, there's always tomorrow," no. We would wake up and say "today I must go, today I must achieve" for destiny cannot wait. That's the problem with dreams, we put them off for too long. Tomorrow becomes next week, next week becomes next month, next month becomes next year, and before we know it our dreams become things of the past, things we always wanted to do but never got around to. So why not make our dreams our destiny? It is always said we create our own destiny's so why not believe in them? Why not convince ourselves that we too are destined for greatness?
And what if we are? What if we simply didn't realize it before? What if I am destined to be one of the great artists of my time...I just haven't realized it till now? There is no room for questions in the end, there is no room for the what if, there is only the is and am.
So today I make my dream my destiny. I do not hope to be a great actor, I do not wish to be more diligent, more driven, I do not try to be motivated. My motivation is a given, there is no option to be less driven, less diligent for it is my destiny to be a great actor of my time. All those who have come before me and who have achieved greatness, they have not done it by dreaming, by hoping, they have done it because they believed that failure was not an option. They believed that they were destined for greatness and they went out there and they took what was theirs. Last week I cried. I cried because I realized the life I once had, the life I once wanted, the life that I grew up with was so far from the one that I have now, and I wanted both. I wanted to achieve that past life again but through the one I was living now...and man, looking at the big picture and seeing how far I have to reach before I have the ability or the option to combine both lives...well, it's overwhelming. But through the tears comes clarity and I have found it at last. All that motivation I've written about, all that struggling to find drive and hold onto it. All that uncertainty in myself and my choices...it's all gone. It's all different now. I must push forward because this is what I'm meant to do, this is who I'm meat to be. All it took was me realizing and believing.
Lately I'm on a historical fiction kick. I was always a sucker for castles, kingdoms, and the medieval time period. Growing up I was obsessed with Ireland. I'd spend countless hours in my room or on the hill across the street dreaming up elaborate fantasy worlds with thick accents and rich histories of birthrights, valiance, and romance. So, it's no surprise that once I ran out of Dexter seasons, The Office, and HIMYM, I turned to shows of that nature. Granted they may not be the most well written or witty shows out there but there is something that can be taken from them, something that dawned on me recently and has had a profound effect on me since. It's not a new idea or revelation -- you've surely heard it before -- but it is no less groundbreaking and powerful when you come to realize it yourself. I got to thinking about the shows I've been watching and the impossible feats and obstacles that the protagonists are faced with and overcome and it hit me. The characters in these shows cannot loose, they cannot fail, against all odds they must succeed, there is no option of failure. If they fail they loose everything, including their lives for it is their destiny to achieve greatness and to fail your destiny is to fail much more than just yourself.
Never once is it said that their destiny is a sure thing, never once does it say the future is unchangeable, they still must fight for it, suffer for it, struggle and face these seemingly impossible obstacles, they must give their all, their sweat, their tears, their every hope and dream, and many times they come so close to loosing, to dying, to failing, but they never ever give up. And why? Because they have the knowledge that they were meant for this, that they have a higher calling, that failure is NOT an option. It is their destiny to be the King, to unite the land, to be the greatest sorcerer of all time. It doesn't matter what it is, what matters is that they must fulfill it, no questions asked, no if and or buts.
But what if our lives were like that? What if we were told we were destined for greatness and we actually believed it? What if failure, although always a possibility, was not an option because our destiny awaited? What would we do differently? What would change?
We are always told as children we can be whatever we want; we can change the world...but what if instead we were told we will change the world, that it is written in the histories of man, written in the stars; that we are the stuff of legends and that we must now go out there and become that person that it is said we will be? Can you imagine how differently we would act if we knew for certain or truly believed that we would achieve our dreams, that we must? So many of us want things, want to be better, want to be smarter, want to be more than we are...but what if these wants were not simply things we longed for but things imperative to fulfilling our true purpose? We would not put them off, we would not say "well I didn't get to the gym today, there's always tomorrow," no. We would wake up and say "today I must go, today I must achieve" for destiny cannot wait. That's the problem with dreams, we put them off for too long. Tomorrow becomes next week, next week becomes next month, next month becomes next year, and before we know it our dreams become things of the past, things we always wanted to do but never got around to. So why not make our dreams our destiny? It is always said we create our own destiny's so why not believe in them? Why not convince ourselves that we too are destined for greatness?
And what if we are? What if we simply didn't realize it before? What if I am destined to be one of the great artists of my time...I just haven't realized it till now? There is no room for questions in the end, there is no room for the what if, there is only the is and am.
So today I make my dream my destiny. I do not hope to be a great actor, I do not wish to be more diligent, more driven, I do not try to be motivated. My motivation is a given, there is no option to be less driven, less diligent for it is my destiny to be a great actor of my time. All those who have come before me and who have achieved greatness, they have not done it by dreaming, by hoping, they have done it because they believed that failure was not an option. They believed that they were destined for greatness and they went out there and they took what was theirs. Last week I cried. I cried because I realized the life I once had, the life I once wanted, the life that I grew up with was so far from the one that I have now, and I wanted both. I wanted to achieve that past life again but through the one I was living now...and man, looking at the big picture and seeing how far I have to reach before I have the ability or the option to combine both lives...well, it's overwhelming. But through the tears comes clarity and I have found it at last. All that motivation I've written about, all that struggling to find drive and hold onto it. All that uncertainty in myself and my choices...it's all gone. It's all different now. I must push forward because this is what I'm meant to do, this is who I'm meat to be. All it took was me realizing and believing.
I am destined for greatness, it is my destiny to be one of the greatest actors of my time, and I will achieve, I will succeed. I must.
Monday, July 18, 2011
Reflections in the water of the past...
So today is the birthday of my first boyfriend, first love, first heartbreak, first of many things. It's funny how when we grow up the lives we once believed we'd have change, our needs, our wants, us as a person, it all changes. He's married now, and apparently expecting his first child. It's crazy, I'm happy and excited for him, it's amazing to see what he's done with his life, how it's all unfolded. Granted we don't talk anymore and most of my information comes from that social media site that we all know and love, yes, the one that seems to rule lives...facebook...and the one or two off times I may see a post or happen across his page in boredom or mild curiosity but every time I do, I feel a strange pride in seeing his accomplishments, his happiness. Almost like I'm a proud birth parent of a child I gave up who doesn't know my existence and whom I admire from afar. Is that weird? It is kinda weird, hu? None the less, as I sit here thinking about the boy I once believed would be my husband, and the life we had imagined, I can't help but smile slightly with nostalgia.
Everyone remembers their first love, the trials the tribulations, the mistakes made by both, the promises made and broken, the way you though no one else could compare. The fights, the tears, the joy. The dreams, the plans, the romance, and the heartbreak. Our love was a mess, we were young, we fought like no other...I was crazy, demanding, he was goofy, and proud. We loved each other with all we could at that age, spent hours driving around town listening to music, nights laying on the field of his HS or in the bed of my truck looking at the stars. We broke up the summer before college, got back together, tried the long distance thing but when you're 18 Davis to Irvine was a bit to far and hormones were a bit too wild. Too many distractions, too many other options, too many questions of what if and what else is out there, I messed up, he messed up, and I broke both of our hearts. Years later we both found closure, I found a new path to my life and he found her. I always wondered how it would be to see him marry someone else, but when it happened all I was was happy for him. I did not hurt, our door had closed and we both recognized that long before his status went from "in a relationship" to "engaged." My life plan no longer involved winter trips to Tahoe, lunches at the Meadow Club, summer trips to Europe, sailing around the bay on lazy evenings but theirs did. She was, she is, perfect for him and they are so happy in the life that at one time I thought would be ours.
And I smile, because I know that is not the life I can have, not now. I realized this when I made the decision to move to LA instead of DC, to give up the straight and arrow path for one of art and creativity and struggle. I've made the decision to give away the wonderful life I dreamed of as a kid, the life that seemed so normal, so expected, and I'm happy that I don't have to feel guilty, wonder what if...what if I hadn't made those mistakes. I'm happy that someone I loved so much, hurt so much, is exactly where they are supposed to be, with exactly who they are meant to be with. Of course it makes me wonder if I'll find my one, I tell myself not to worry about that, I tell myself and those around me that I don't care, that I don't want to find that love, that I don't have time or energy...and it's true, but sometimes I wonder if I'm just afraid. Afraid to admit that I do want that, that I've always wanted that...my life may be way off course from the dream I had of being a young housewife in the suburbs with a big yard and comfortable means but sometimes I wonder if I'm really that different from the girl I was growing up. But it's idle thoughts, and counterproductive to the dreams I have now.
I'm an Actor, I live in my very own one bedroom apartment, I enjoy my freedom, my days alone, my restaurant/bar job. I often long for home and the lifestyle I am accustomed to, the beauty of the mountains, the redwoods, the fresh air, the promise, the contentment I feel, the peace of home...but I wouldn't know what to do with myself there. This is my life now, and until I understand how to combine both my worlds I must choose to live in one and try and forget the other. I will admire from afar my friends and past loves, and I will hold steady to the idea that this is who I'm ment to be, that I too will find my own life and happiness in time. The one thing I do know for certain is that my life is not meant to be what theirs is, my path has made a number of sharp turns in different directions and is an adventure all together different and wonderful. So as much as I ponder, and as many unanswered questions I have about my own wants, needs, and life...I can still appreciate the strides that others are making. The happiness they've found, well, there is no one more deserving of such a gift. And until I too find my own, for them and for that I smile.
Everyone remembers their first love, the trials the tribulations, the mistakes made by both, the promises made and broken, the way you though no one else could compare. The fights, the tears, the joy. The dreams, the plans, the romance, and the heartbreak. Our love was a mess, we were young, we fought like no other...I was crazy, demanding, he was goofy, and proud. We loved each other with all we could at that age, spent hours driving around town listening to music, nights laying on the field of his HS or in the bed of my truck looking at the stars. We broke up the summer before college, got back together, tried the long distance thing but when you're 18 Davis to Irvine was a bit to far and hormones were a bit too wild. Too many distractions, too many other options, too many questions of what if and what else is out there, I messed up, he messed up, and I broke both of our hearts. Years later we both found closure, I found a new path to my life and he found her. I always wondered how it would be to see him marry someone else, but when it happened all I was was happy for him. I did not hurt, our door had closed and we both recognized that long before his status went from "in a relationship" to "engaged." My life plan no longer involved winter trips to Tahoe, lunches at the Meadow Club, summer trips to Europe, sailing around the bay on lazy evenings but theirs did. She was, she is, perfect for him and they are so happy in the life that at one time I thought would be ours.
And I smile, because I know that is not the life I can have, not now. I realized this when I made the decision to move to LA instead of DC, to give up the straight and arrow path for one of art and creativity and struggle. I've made the decision to give away the wonderful life I dreamed of as a kid, the life that seemed so normal, so expected, and I'm happy that I don't have to feel guilty, wonder what if...what if I hadn't made those mistakes. I'm happy that someone I loved so much, hurt so much, is exactly where they are supposed to be, with exactly who they are meant to be with. Of course it makes me wonder if I'll find my one, I tell myself not to worry about that, I tell myself and those around me that I don't care, that I don't want to find that love, that I don't have time or energy...and it's true, but sometimes I wonder if I'm just afraid. Afraid to admit that I do want that, that I've always wanted that...my life may be way off course from the dream I had of being a young housewife in the suburbs with a big yard and comfortable means but sometimes I wonder if I'm really that different from the girl I was growing up. But it's idle thoughts, and counterproductive to the dreams I have now.
I'm an Actor, I live in my very own one bedroom apartment, I enjoy my freedom, my days alone, my restaurant/bar job. I often long for home and the lifestyle I am accustomed to, the beauty of the mountains, the redwoods, the fresh air, the promise, the contentment I feel, the peace of home...but I wouldn't know what to do with myself there. This is my life now, and until I understand how to combine both my worlds I must choose to live in one and try and forget the other. I will admire from afar my friends and past loves, and I will hold steady to the idea that this is who I'm ment to be, that I too will find my own life and happiness in time. The one thing I do know for certain is that my life is not meant to be what theirs is, my path has made a number of sharp turns in different directions and is an adventure all together different and wonderful. So as much as I ponder, and as many unanswered questions I have about my own wants, needs, and life...I can still appreciate the strides that others are making. The happiness they've found, well, there is no one more deserving of such a gift. And until I too find my own, for them and for that I smile.
Friday, July 8, 2011
Showtime...
So tonight is opening night of Atwater Playhouse's July showcase, and I can't pinpoint the exact emotion I'm experiencing. I suppose it's more plausible to describe it as a range of emotions as I swing from excited to slightly disappointed to indifferent. It's this sliding scale in conjunction with the weather that has influenced my actions or rather lack there of today, and has prompted me to attempt to identify, categorize, and describe to you what it is that's going on inside of me. I feel dull, removed, as if time has no effect and no purpose. That could be due to my mid afternoon nap that I recently arose from, sometimes the extra unneeded sleep puts me in a catatonic state, or perhaps the heat has made me that much more lethargic. It's not heat like the last week has been, that uncomfortable hot sticky feeling that makes sitting still unbearable but moving around even more so, no, but it's the heat that makes you lazy, makes afternoon naps naked with the windows open a great possibility. So here I sit, AC on, ceiling fan whirling, trying to wake myself up from this dream state and to live truthfully.
Live truthfully. I've recently learned that as actors it is our job to live, not act. Kinda strange that as an "actor" we must try our hardest to stay away from doing exactly that. Have you ever seen someone on the screen or in a play who was "acting?" I'm sure you have, we all have, it's awful, it's untruthful, it's downright distracting and we won't pay to see people simply "act" we want them to live. We watch movies to escape from our own lives, to let go, to believe in an alternative universe where extraordinary things happen and ordinary people rise up to their full potential in extreme situations. So the actors job is not to "act" rather it is to live, to live the role, the moment, have it be real for themselves and they will captivate their audience. To completely remove yourself from all social constrictions and feel openly without consequence. In layman's terms, I go to class to learn to be the 5 year old me again. The me without restriction, the me before politeness was hammered into me, before the walls went up around me, the me who was ruled by my urges not a slave to societies guidelines on how to react or not react to the world around us. We're taught to not say anything if we have nothing nice to say, to let things roll off our backs, to not cry or show when someone has hurt us. To stand strong, to build up this wall, to think before we speak. Everything that goes against simply living, feeling, being open, honest, and free. That's why acting is so difficult. You can't just memorize lines and get up on stage and act, or that's all it will be. A hollow shell with no deeper feeling, meaning, connection. Unrelatable and hallow.
That's kinda how I feel now. So far removed from my emotions not by choice, trying desperately to swim against this current, to dive deep down and pull the truth, the life, the raw feelings from where they swirl inside my heart. I feel like I'm putting up these emotional blockades to keep myself from being sad. From allowing myself to admit that I failed...that I've failed myself. You see this month I have a scene I like, like really really like, a scene I am excited to work on, to put up, to show people...and yet...caught up in my laziness and catatonic state of last month and then overwhelmed by the crazy business I realized was going to be this month I completely put off telling people about the upcoming show. I always tell people and yet this time, when I actually have something I think is really worth seeing, something I'm excited to show...I self sabotage and wait till the week of to start promoting. I know most my friends who would love to come support me live far away and have lives and make plans and now, due to my not informing them ahead of time, cannot come out and see my great work. I'm not saying that this scene is life changing, or that I'm the best I can be, or that I've done all the work there is to do and the scene is perfect. No, not at all...but I am saying that if I was going to have my friends come to any performance I've done so far...this would be it. This is one I'm truly looking forward to. And yet...most my audience is a solid "maybe" since I failed to do the simplest thing ever. Tell them ahead of time.
Not to say that without my own support system in the audience the show is worthless to me or means less...but it kinda does. We don't have an audience unless we bring an audience, and from previous showcases with my theater company, I'm sometimes the only one who's friends come support. I'm not sure if it's just because I have great friends, or if I'm the only one who actually tells people about the show, I am pretty sure it's both...but I think I'll stick to the awesome friends idea. And for the first time I'm truely excited, I have a great scrip from a little known play write, I have a strong acting partner, I have new techniques....I want to show people, and if there's no one to show then why am I getting on stage? I know that I don't act for praise, or just because people are watching but in the end, the actor needs an audience, just as a writer needs a reader, or there'd be no use in acting at all. I guess I can just hope that my friend are that extraordinary and that some of my maybes become yeses, and in the end all I can ask for is to live up there on that stage live and have fun.
I'm read for the world to end, I'm ready for Early One Evening at the Rainbow Bar and Grill, I'm ready to live.
Live truthfully. I've recently learned that as actors it is our job to live, not act. Kinda strange that as an "actor" we must try our hardest to stay away from doing exactly that. Have you ever seen someone on the screen or in a play who was "acting?" I'm sure you have, we all have, it's awful, it's untruthful, it's downright distracting and we won't pay to see people simply "act" we want them to live. We watch movies to escape from our own lives, to let go, to believe in an alternative universe where extraordinary things happen and ordinary people rise up to their full potential in extreme situations. So the actors job is not to "act" rather it is to live, to live the role, the moment, have it be real for themselves and they will captivate their audience. To completely remove yourself from all social constrictions and feel openly without consequence. In layman's terms, I go to class to learn to be the 5 year old me again. The me without restriction, the me before politeness was hammered into me, before the walls went up around me, the me who was ruled by my urges not a slave to societies guidelines on how to react or not react to the world around us. We're taught to not say anything if we have nothing nice to say, to let things roll off our backs, to not cry or show when someone has hurt us. To stand strong, to build up this wall, to think before we speak. Everything that goes against simply living, feeling, being open, honest, and free. That's why acting is so difficult. You can't just memorize lines and get up on stage and act, or that's all it will be. A hollow shell with no deeper feeling, meaning, connection. Unrelatable and hallow.
That's kinda how I feel now. So far removed from my emotions not by choice, trying desperately to swim against this current, to dive deep down and pull the truth, the life, the raw feelings from where they swirl inside my heart. I feel like I'm putting up these emotional blockades to keep myself from being sad. From allowing myself to admit that I failed...that I've failed myself. You see this month I have a scene I like, like really really like, a scene I am excited to work on, to put up, to show people...and yet...caught up in my laziness and catatonic state of last month and then overwhelmed by the crazy business I realized was going to be this month I completely put off telling people about the upcoming show. I always tell people and yet this time, when I actually have something I think is really worth seeing, something I'm excited to show...I self sabotage and wait till the week of to start promoting. I know most my friends who would love to come support me live far away and have lives and make plans and now, due to my not informing them ahead of time, cannot come out and see my great work. I'm not saying that this scene is life changing, or that I'm the best I can be, or that I've done all the work there is to do and the scene is perfect. No, not at all...but I am saying that if I was going to have my friends come to any performance I've done so far...this would be it. This is one I'm truly looking forward to. And yet...most my audience is a solid "maybe" since I failed to do the simplest thing ever. Tell them ahead of time.
Not to say that without my own support system in the audience the show is worthless to me or means less...but it kinda does. We don't have an audience unless we bring an audience, and from previous showcases with my theater company, I'm sometimes the only one who's friends come support. I'm not sure if it's just because I have great friends, or if I'm the only one who actually tells people about the show, I am pretty sure it's both...but I think I'll stick to the awesome friends idea. And for the first time I'm truely excited, I have a great scrip from a little known play write, I have a strong acting partner, I have new techniques....I want to show people, and if there's no one to show then why am I getting on stage? I know that I don't act for praise, or just because people are watching but in the end, the actor needs an audience, just as a writer needs a reader, or there'd be no use in acting at all. I guess I can just hope that my friend are that extraordinary and that some of my maybes become yeses, and in the end all I can ask for is to live up there on that stage live and have fun.
I'm read for the world to end, I'm ready for Early One Evening at the Rainbow Bar and Grill, I'm ready to live.
Thursday, July 7, 2011
The diet of an artist
So I went to the grocery store today to stock up on some necessities. It wasn't grocery day (that's reserved for Mondays) but as Monday was a holiday and my fridge was looking quite bare with it's family sized pack of chicken drumsticks leftover from the beach, giant piece of week old cheesecake leftover from a catered party at work, odd condiments, and aloe vera to treat my aching sunburnt back (15 hours at the beach is not ever a good idea), I decided to break my schedule and pick up some things to get me through the week. Come to think of it perhaps I should change my grocery day...Monday may not be the best choice, but that's an entirely different subject and irrelevant at the moment. So back to the task...
They say you can tell a lot about a person by what they buy, what they eat. It shows you what is important to them in life. For example, someone that stocks up on brown rice, chicken breast, and leafy greens is most likely someone who values an active lifestyle and their health. Someone who stocks up on the sweets likes to indulge and places more value on comfort and someone who frequents the frozen food or ramen isles is someone with either little time, or patience to care about nutrition. Granted my observations may be very basic and at times incorrect but you get my general gist. So what did I buy? Well let's see...
Bread, pop tarts, more bread, nutra grain bars, cheese...the necessities for living my lifestyle. It wasn't always this way, I used to love dinner. More specifically cooking extravagant dinners for myself and my roommates or boyfriends or whomever I could at the time. I loved thumbing through the recipe book, writing the shopping lists, hitting the market, all the slicing, dicing, stiring, simmering, the multi tasking and challenge of timing it right so that everything was done at the same time. Hot vegis, meat, starch, perfect unison perfect temperature perfect square meal. Granted this was back before I worked nights and weekends, back before I was a starving artist, back before I worked three jobs to become a starving artist. Times have changed. I don't have the luxury of planning out and creating such meals, I've siphoned my funds towards classes instead of expensive grocery trips, and my time towards work and scene work and everything else in between instead of hours in the kitchen perfecting my culinary skills.
So here I was, in the self check out lane with my carbs, quick breakfast options (this was the first time I think I've EVER bought pop tarts...but waking up and getting to a 9 am class after working till 2:30 am the previous night calls for extreme measures), and cheese. Breakfast and lunch have become my only consistent meals I have at home, and on a tight budget and schedule you can't beat home made sandwiches and instant semi-nutritious meal options. At least not for a mid week quick grocery trip. I do have three nights where I can make myself dinner if I watch my time wisely, and for those meals I peruse the meat and fish department eyes peeled for a good weekly special on grocery day. I'll dedicate an entire post to that later, complete with meal ideas and do it at home tips. As for today, I wasn't going to get distracted by more than the Kings Hawaiian Bread that was on sale and ended up coming home with me for no other reason than it's deliciousness.
...oh, that and the best kind of sandwiches ever...ICE CREAM SANDWICHES! Can you tell where my priorities lie? Lol.
They say you can tell a lot about a person by what they buy, what they eat. It shows you what is important to them in life. For example, someone that stocks up on brown rice, chicken breast, and leafy greens is most likely someone who values an active lifestyle and their health. Someone who stocks up on the sweets likes to indulge and places more value on comfort and someone who frequents the frozen food or ramen isles is someone with either little time, or patience to care about nutrition. Granted my observations may be very basic and at times incorrect but you get my general gist. So what did I buy? Well let's see...
Bread, pop tarts, more bread, nutra grain bars, cheese...the necessities for living my lifestyle. It wasn't always this way, I used to love dinner. More specifically cooking extravagant dinners for myself and my roommates or boyfriends or whomever I could at the time. I loved thumbing through the recipe book, writing the shopping lists, hitting the market, all the slicing, dicing, stiring, simmering, the multi tasking and challenge of timing it right so that everything was done at the same time. Hot vegis, meat, starch, perfect unison perfect temperature perfect square meal. Granted this was back before I worked nights and weekends, back before I was a starving artist, back before I worked three jobs to become a starving artist. Times have changed. I don't have the luxury of planning out and creating such meals, I've siphoned my funds towards classes instead of expensive grocery trips, and my time towards work and scene work and everything else in between instead of hours in the kitchen perfecting my culinary skills.
So here I was, in the self check out lane with my carbs, quick breakfast options (this was the first time I think I've EVER bought pop tarts...but waking up and getting to a 9 am class after working till 2:30 am the previous night calls for extreme measures), and cheese. Breakfast and lunch have become my only consistent meals I have at home, and on a tight budget and schedule you can't beat home made sandwiches and instant semi-nutritious meal options. At least not for a mid week quick grocery trip. I do have three nights where I can make myself dinner if I watch my time wisely, and for those meals I peruse the meat and fish department eyes peeled for a good weekly special on grocery day. I'll dedicate an entire post to that later, complete with meal ideas and do it at home tips. As for today, I wasn't going to get distracted by more than the Kings Hawaiian Bread that was on sale and ended up coming home with me for no other reason than it's deliciousness.
...oh, that and the best kind of sandwiches ever...ICE CREAM SANDWICHES! Can you tell where my priorities lie? Lol.
Thursday, June 30, 2011
Hooray, and we're back on track!
**note: last night I was overcome with the urge to write, to create, to face the universe and it's challenges head on, so I sat down at my computer and let the words flow through my finger tips and spill across the screen. I was inspired, it felt good, and in the end I triumphantly stated to the universe that I was winning...only to have the universe respond in it's own ironic way. As my mouse hovered over the "publish post" button I had written about I could feel the premonition of my post's impending doom. Learned from years of experience in loosing hours of work due to the unreliability of technology I did the smart thing and copy and pasted to word. Good thing too because once I clicked my mouse, I felt the universe laughing at me as Blogger completely disappeared from cyberspace replaced by the "ERROR BAD SOURCE 404" message. So, after many attempts to bring up the site every way possible I gave up, went to bed, and returned to my mission this morning. I was determined, the universe would not get the best of me just yet. A computer restart later and a few more failed attempts and I think it realized that I was not going to be so easily deterred, so here we are...finally back on track, I've passed the test, my motivation will not wane. Enjoy...**
As I stood in my kitchen tonight looking into my newly opened bag of Trader Jo (or as the bag aptly states "Trader Giotto's") frozen Gnocchi al Gorgonzola something occurred to me as it often does. I felt the urge to write. And this time, I was going to follow that instinct. No more thinking about great ideas to put down and then forgetting them or being too lazy once I found my way to the laptop, no. No more half posts marooned in my "drafts" tab for months or years (I still have a few unfinished just waiting for their day to come), no. Tonight I was going to do it. To write, to finish my thought and hit that orange "publish post" button that taunts me and challenges me to be secure, to have that resolve that is needed to put your thoughts and ideas out there to the world...even if the world is only one other person who decides to take a moment to look into that window into your head, the one you leave open for any passerby to see. Yes, tonight I was going to pull those blinds back and show you, my friend, what has changed and what is to come.
As I stared down into that plastic bag full of little frozen nuggets and cheese that reminded me of sliced butter, I realized that the energy I felt within my gut was not just the excitement of two hours of rehearsal time in the theater, the restlessness of four hours of class, the drive to at last sit down with my scene and actually dive into the character's life not simply stare blankly and struggle with my thoughts as I'd done numerous times in the last few days...no. That feeling, that urge to run around the block was not simply the McFrape I drank at 6:50 to stay awake through what inevitably becomes my nap time (I know I'm not the only one that fights the urge to nod off during the tediousness of class)...no, it was much more. Well than what was it you're probably asking...and yes, I was wondering the same as I dumped what would be my dinner into the skillet.
Pure motivation. Inspiration. The drive that is ever elusive and that is as fleeting as it is sudden. The one that is a crucial part of any creative process, of success, of life! Sometimes I think I'm bi-polar, or that I'm ruled by the moon or something equally as inexplicable and crazy. Seriously, I do. Just last week driving to work I wondered why I was feeling so down and out, so lazy, so defeated with life and my progress through it for no real reason. Heck, the week before I was on top of the world thinking my life was the bee's knees and that I wouldn't trade it for anything. And here I was again, hit out of no where with this passion and drive and focus and lust for my art, for progress, for getting myself back up and on the right track. Perhaps you don't believe my awe of my ridiculous sounding shifts in emotion, so I'll try to articulate the randomness of my strokes of...well... genius? Earlier today as I was mapping out my month in detail in my planner, on my kitchen calendar, and in my google calendar (yes, I have to be THAT organized in order to attempt to live normally) I came to the realization that I had a whole hell of a lot of things to accomplish in the next 30 days. So much that I started to panic, how was I going to manage it all in the time I had? Anyone that knows me well, knows I struggle with time management and deadlines. I just can't get done what others can in a limited amount of time no matter how hard I try...so how was I going to manage going to class 4 times a week for a minimum of 3 hours a day, fitting in rehearsals with my scene partner, rehearsals with my other classmates, not to mention my own personal work to be done on said scene, breaking down a new script for a short film, working, shooting the film, preforming in showcase, memorizing two sides a week for another class, updating my website, planning a 4th of July BBQ, buying a bridal shower gift and going to the shower, MC-ing a wedding, help planning the batchelorette party and then going, have my parents visit, and still find time to eat, sleep, and breathe?!?
I was overwhelmed, and as I often do when presented with a daunting task ahead I napped. Yep, I had a whole slew of stuff to do and work to be done, and my defense mechanism or coping strategy is to get sleepy, and loose concentration, and nap. It's awful, it's so ridiculously counter productive but I can't fight it. I even sat down at my dining room table script in hand in an attempt to force myself into productivity and within five minutes I was laying on the sofa. Never mind the fact it was 2:30pm, the sun was out, and that I got a good night's sleep or that in a few hours I would be on my way to meet with my scene partner. Fighting it was futile, and the nap won in the end. Typical me. And yet here I was, 11:45pm stirring the now soupy concoction on my stove full of energy and the sudden urge to sit down and get started. To be productive. To knock out my list of tasks to be done and strive for excellence.
How strange my urges can be, and yet when I'm taken by one I must grab on with all my power and dedication and ride it before it passes through me and I'm left with nothingness once again. Even now as I type and struggle to maintain the emotional high I'm writing about I feel it slipping...feel the day catching up with me, the night creep into my mind and my concentration wane. My Gnocchi which was once hot and inviting sits half eaten and cold beside me and my train of thought once focused has started to loose it's goal. Where was I going with all this? Had my inspiration passed? Would I wake up blank and fighting with my lack of drive again? No, I refuse to be beaten by myself, I refuse to slip into quiet resignation again and again, not if I can help it, not yet.
July will be crazy, busy, and if all goes well as I plan it to do, rewarding. I refuse to waste any more time, I refuse to become one of those people who's dreams became past memories simply because they did not act, did not want them badly enough. I may not have much to show for it yet, but I will be the best I can be, I will give this my all, and I will never be satisfied. I may have chosen the hardest profession for my character, I may have to work that much harder to unlock the key to success, and I may have to overcome my deepest fears to get there, but I will succeed. I will learn, I will grow, I will achieve.
The first step is this. Is writing it down. Is stating it for the world and myself, is not letting myself get lazy and letting the moment or thought pass by. No more excuses, no more apologies, no more "starting fresh" yet again. Most of all, no more promising myself that this time would be the last because all that matters now is action, is where I go from here. Words and promises are hallow, I can say it till I'm blue in the face but in the end the only one I let down is myself, and I'm tired of being disappointed.
Hello orange button...today, I win.
Monday, June 13, 2011
What a waste...
As an Adult I waste a lot of time. This really is not a new occurrence for me, more like a reoccurring theme throughout my entire life except now, as an adult, it's mine to own up to. You see growing up I had my mother's constant nagging and persistent eye to keep me semi on track. "Time management" was a skill I greatly lacked and she was bound and determined to change that. Well, needless to say, some things are not easily altered and my sense of time was one of them. I have learned to come to terms with it as much as I can I guess, I mean I completely admit that it's still one of my most prominent downfalls and that I spend countless hours doing a whole lot of nothing productive even after all my attempts at productivity. I am constantly writing out lists and assigning myself tasks to do on given days throughout the week, and I still find myself sucked into some mindless activity that was not one of those clearly stated on my post-it. I guess this wouldn't be as big of a problem if I had a career path that didn't require self starting and motivation, but clearly in this industry wasting time is a luxury that I shouldn't afford.
Don't get me wrong, I'm not always a time waster...I have my moments of inspiration in which I will complete a number of tasks at a semi-normal rate of time, but these days are greatly outnumbered by days in which I complete no task at all. Even now as I write about wasting time there are numerous other activities I should be doing such as breaking down my scene for my next company showcase, going to the bank, grocery shopping, choosing photos from some of my recent photo shoots to be featured on my website, tracking down the media clips of some student films I was in, updating my website, setting up a time to take new head shots with the agency recommended photographer (or at least going through her site to see the style they like and deciding if any of my friends' styles are comparable), looking through my old Europe photos to choose a couple to enlarge and put in the frames on my walls...see? Lots that a normal person could knock out in one day but will undoubtedly take me a week of hard concentration and self discipline.
I used to get angry, upset, really bent out of shape when I didn't complete a task in a timely manner. I mean, I still often get annoyed with myself for wasting a perfectly good day doing nothing but there is no one to blame but myself in the end, so I have to let it go and chalk it up to a day of relaxation. This is me, this is my life, and if I don't want to be chemically reliant then I'm going to have to resign the fact that I am indeed a time waster. Granted, there are the rare days when I wake up early and semi motivated that I deem my days of productivity and indulge in my totally legit Dr. prescribed medication to help boost my time management skills a bit...but even then I'm prone to time wasting.
It's an amazing thing though, the amount of work someone can get done who doesn't seem to be sucked into mindless activities or distractions. Just a couple weeks ago my parents stopped by on their way down to San Diego. They stayed with me for a total of 23 hours and completed what would have been for me a month of work...actually, who am I kidding...in a span of 5 hours they managed to complete tasks that have been on my "to do" list for months AND have a leisurely lunch and head to downtown to dinner. Amazing. To them it was just another day, to me it was a complete re-decorating of my apartment and another reminder of how my life is so not normal and how much harder I must work at making myself a viable and successful adult. I can't imagine what I would get done if I had their drive...or rather simply a "normal" sense of concentration. It's crazy, I never really wanted to admit it but really the way I live my life is rather ridiculous. Perhaps my late college boyfriend was right when he'd say "you're prescribed it, it can help you, you should take it" to which I'd respond "but I don't want to depend on a drug, it makes me feel slow." Probably not what people expect...but it does. Granted I get twice as much done (still not as much as a regular person) but my thoughts feel slow. It's strange, I distinctly remember one of the first days of trying my new regimen and us driving to school to study. How as we drove I kept staring out the window and simply enjoying the view. I wasn't thinking about anything but the landscape and houses and trees that were passing by and wondering if that's what it was like to be "normal," to only think about what was right in front of you not a million and one other things buzzing around in the back of your head. It was foreign, and strange, and I didn't like it...why did I need to be "normal"?
...and now here I am...realizing that I'm just getting older and the days are passing with me sitting here doing a lot of nothing. I go in and out of my moods and when I'm down I begin to wonder if I shouldn't give normal another chance...because this life of "relaxation" may be hurting me more than helping. Productivity and being busy and pushing forward makes me happy...but I can't seem to get there on my own.
Even as I write I seem to loose myself in random tangents. I sat down today in front of this keyboard with a completely different goal in mind and as I often do, ended up at point G instead of B or C. Funny how as I write my thoughts transform into something even I wasn't expecting. Focus, I tell myself but now that I'm here I cannot remember my original destination. I had no intention of sharing or discussing this topic although it is one I've been toying with for a little while now. Well, I guess now it's time to stop thinking and pondering and wasting time...and take action. After all, ACTION is what this is about...and hopefully someday it's the words that my days will be punctuated with.
End scene.
Don't get me wrong, I'm not always a time waster...I have my moments of inspiration in which I will complete a number of tasks at a semi-normal rate of time, but these days are greatly outnumbered by days in which I complete no task at all. Even now as I write about wasting time there are numerous other activities I should be doing such as breaking down my scene for my next company showcase, going to the bank, grocery shopping, choosing photos from some of my recent photo shoots to be featured on my website, tracking down the media clips of some student films I was in, updating my website, setting up a time to take new head shots with the agency recommended photographer (or at least going through her site to see the style they like and deciding if any of my friends' styles are comparable), looking through my old Europe photos to choose a couple to enlarge and put in the frames on my walls...see? Lots that a normal person could knock out in one day but will undoubtedly take me a week of hard concentration and self discipline.
I used to get angry, upset, really bent out of shape when I didn't complete a task in a timely manner. I mean, I still often get annoyed with myself for wasting a perfectly good day doing nothing but there is no one to blame but myself in the end, so I have to let it go and chalk it up to a day of relaxation. This is me, this is my life, and if I don't want to be chemically reliant then I'm going to have to resign the fact that I am indeed a time waster. Granted, there are the rare days when I wake up early and semi motivated that I deem my days of productivity and indulge in my totally legit Dr. prescribed medication to help boost my time management skills a bit...but even then I'm prone to time wasting.
It's an amazing thing though, the amount of work someone can get done who doesn't seem to be sucked into mindless activities or distractions. Just a couple weeks ago my parents stopped by on their way down to San Diego. They stayed with me for a total of 23 hours and completed what would have been for me a month of work...actually, who am I kidding...in a span of 5 hours they managed to complete tasks that have been on my "to do" list for months AND have a leisurely lunch and head to downtown to dinner. Amazing. To them it was just another day, to me it was a complete re-decorating of my apartment and another reminder of how my life is so not normal and how much harder I must work at making myself a viable and successful adult. I can't imagine what I would get done if I had their drive...or rather simply a "normal" sense of concentration. It's crazy, I never really wanted to admit it but really the way I live my life is rather ridiculous. Perhaps my late college boyfriend was right when he'd say "you're prescribed it, it can help you, you should take it" to which I'd respond "but I don't want to depend on a drug, it makes me feel slow." Probably not what people expect...but it does. Granted I get twice as much done (still not as much as a regular person) but my thoughts feel slow. It's strange, I distinctly remember one of the first days of trying my new regimen and us driving to school to study. How as we drove I kept staring out the window and simply enjoying the view. I wasn't thinking about anything but the landscape and houses and trees that were passing by and wondering if that's what it was like to be "normal," to only think about what was right in front of you not a million and one other things buzzing around in the back of your head. It was foreign, and strange, and I didn't like it...why did I need to be "normal"?
...and now here I am...realizing that I'm just getting older and the days are passing with me sitting here doing a lot of nothing. I go in and out of my moods and when I'm down I begin to wonder if I shouldn't give normal another chance...because this life of "relaxation" may be hurting me more than helping. Productivity and being busy and pushing forward makes me happy...but I can't seem to get there on my own.
Even as I write I seem to loose myself in random tangents. I sat down today in front of this keyboard with a completely different goal in mind and as I often do, ended up at point G instead of B or C. Funny how as I write my thoughts transform into something even I wasn't expecting. Focus, I tell myself but now that I'm here I cannot remember my original destination. I had no intention of sharing or discussing this topic although it is one I've been toying with for a little while now. Well, I guess now it's time to stop thinking and pondering and wasting time...and take action. After all, ACTION is what this is about...and hopefully someday it's the words that my days will be punctuated with.
End scene.
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