They said this would happen, they said this time would come...and I don't fool myself into believing that this will be the only point on my journey where I feel defeated, lost, frustrated. The roads we choose to follow...the ones that mean something to us, the ones we feel passionate about...those are the ones that will cut us down, trip us up, make us doubt ourselves and our path and it is up to us and us alone to pick ourselves up, clean our scrapes and stand strong. We have two choices when things get rough...push on or give up. It is at those junctures, at those moments that we find out what is really important to us...and how stubborn or strong willed we are. Maybe it's a mistake, maybe it won't amount to anything...but on the slight chance that we do make it, that we do achieve the impossible, that we do make our dreams come true...well...is that worth it to you?
So here I stand, questioning myself, questioning if this is really the path to my happiness, if this is right for me...questions that I cannot hope to answer, that only time will tell. Everything in the past is 20/20...the future is a great unknown, like walking through a thick fog...we can only see what is right in front of us at the time, all the squinting and straining our eyes will not prove to clear the mist any more than charging right at it will...so might as well take that leap of faith. At least this is what I tell myself, I don't think I'm half as brave as I claim to be...all the motivational things I say and subscribe to, they are just as much to convince myself as they are to convince others. It will be ok. Things will turn out how they should. We will end up happy. Faith, faith in the unknown, faith in the journey, faith in yourself and the world. Say it enough and you'll believe it, right? That's how I've become who I am...that's how I conquered shyness, that's how I forgot about what others may think of me with their judging eyes and unkind words through school, that's how I get through each day...I have to believe, I have to hold onto that hope that my words are true. We are nothing without hope, without faith, and no, not the faith in heaven or hell or god or whatever it is you may believe...simply faith that one day we'll all be able to look back on our struggles, on our dark moments and know that it was all just part of the journey. The adventure. And it was not, all for nothing.
Strength, we must have strength to pull us through. We must shut out our doubts, our worries, our insecurities and stay strong. Some may call it pig-headed, I prefer stubborn. Stubborn isn't always a bad thing, as my parents would have had me believe growing up...and yes, I've been accused of being stubborn to a fault in my past, but if you can use that perseverance in a productive way...well...you can achieve the impossible. Thank goodness I'm a little stubborn, what doesn't kill me only makes me stronger. Criticism keeps me hungry...pushes me forward, no one likes to feel like they are failing, and loosing is not something I easily accept. I'm competitive to a fault, this I will admit. I've spent years avoiding activities that may result in defeat, playing it safe, never letting myself hope or strive for what it is I really want...for fear that the defeat will be too much. I wish I could loose gracefully, I wish I could stop that need to "win" to be good at everything because we all know that's impossible. Perfection is not achievable and we must learn to be satisfied with ourselves...yet never loose the drive to be better. It's a thin line we walk...and I'm learning how to fight again, to channel that competitiveness, that stubborn child I used to be, to have it be a positive and not the negative it once was.
Which brings us back to today, and the reason I'm writing this post. Well, today after class I cried. Not a long crazy world crashing down sort of cry...no. Not a self pitying break down, or a wounded feelings pouting cry either. No, that's not my style...and if you know me, you know crying is so not my thing. It was simply an accumulation of the growing frustration and aggravation that I've been dismissing week after week after being told over and over that my work was sub par. Of course, they don't say it in those exact words, and we are not supposed to take their criticism personally...even though they are tying to teach us to take everything else personally...but in the end that is what they are saying. And I'm not fighting them, I'm not denying that everything they are saying is not true...because quite honestly it is. I've been struggling, I've been frustrated with myself, annoyed that something so seemingly simple is proving to be so ridiculously hard. If I could only get it...if I could only bring in an activity that they approve of, that they like, then maybe I won't be told once again that my activity is not good...and perhaps then I can get feedback on what it is I'm there for...my acting, my truthfulness. Of course, I'm sure I'm going about it the wrong way. So afraid to fail again I'm focusing on pleasing the teacher instead of finding something that is truthful and meaningful to me, and each class, each week, I become more panicked more afraid that I'm starting to dread those early Tuesday and Friday mornings. So today, I gave in. I let go of the need to stay strong outwardly and let my emotions sweep over me, let the frustration and defeat in and the tears well up in my eyes and be ok with it. To cry, but just for a moment and only because I know that in that moment, when I questioned everything, when I wanted to simply give up, when I wished nothing more than to let go of my dream...that I wouldn't. That I would return again on Friday with a new activity ready for new criticism, that this was just one of many countless more times when I'd wish nothing more than to give up, to throw in the towel and take the safer more traveled road, just one time that I'd stumble hard and have to brush myself off...to ignore the scrapes and bruises and the temptation to turn around. I've come too far, and I'm far far too stubborn to let this deter me from what it is I want.
I simply must work harder. Stand stronger. Believe more diligently. Have more faith.
Sometimes I just want a hug and to be told it all will work out in the end, that it's ok...but sometimes no one is there, we cannot rely on others to always pick us up when we fall. We must learn to stand on our own two feet and achieve. To smile and remember that my life is wonderful...now I just have to make it what I want it to be.
Tuesday, September 20, 2011
Friday, August 26, 2011
One step closer...fingers crossed!
So, this month has been nuts. I know I keep saying that but seriously I'm continuously shocked at how much crazier things can get when I already thought they were pretty crazy to begin with. I don't even know where to begin...this week alone has been one crazy ride. From getting away on the weekend which was a crazy and much needed vacation. It renewed my faith in people and life and love, it felt like a dream...everything was amazing and perfect and too good to be true. I left SB floating on a cloud but afraid to admit it for fear of the cloud giving way beneath my feet. I then had a crazy long night bonding and partying with co-workers and feeling like I was part of a group and loving it. I finally convinced myself to have faith that this cloud would not break...only to have it rain on my happiness a few days later leaving me broken and confused. Then last night the tides changed again and here I am...not sure whether to be happy, or cautious, or angry...sitting again waiting for my world to crash down or for the sun to break through...and yes...I am talking in code. Perhaps I'll care to expand at a later date...but since this blog is dedicated to my progress in the acting world here we go...
So I guess the most relevant topic to share with you today would be the phone call I received this morning. Short, sweet, and full of promise. I tell myself to not get my hopes up...it's simply the next step and I could never get that final phone call...but then again...I just might... "Hello Stephanie, this is Summer (my commercial agent). You've been put on avail for Southern California Edison so I just need to check the dates with you..." Avail. AVAIL! That means I might book it! That means I didn't bomb like I felt like (having had that previous emotional roller coaster ride I mentioned interfere with my concentration)! Yes, it doesn't mean I booked it yet...I could never get that final call telling me where to be and when, but it's a step closer than I have been before, and that, well, that's progress.
This is the first audition I've been sent out on in months, it's not a national spot and it's a 2 year buyout so I won't be receiving any residuals until after 2013 if at all, but it's still work...and that right there would be progress. So last Wednesday night I received a text alert telling me that I had been requested to audition the following day for Southern California Edison for the role of "Nurse." So of course I hopped online and confirmed...2:30 in Hollywood. Left training early, got over to the casting studio and was ready to claim this role. Heck, I can be a nurse...I'm ambiguously asian/hispanic/whatever and I can easily play friendly and helpful, it's the story of my life. In and out in 5 minutes and back in my car feeling good about the audition and of course wishing I played this or that more but still overall pretty satisfied. Then comes the weekend's madness and Tuesday I get a call...I've got a callback tomorrow in Santa Monica...2:30. Well good thing I didn't end up going on that Vegas trip after all, so on Wed I get up and get ready, leave class early and make my way to Santa Monica. Here's where I get a little messed up...and yes, you may have guessed it, it's about a guy. Isn't it always? This is why I told myself I don't need to worry about dating...or relationships...or anything of that sort, they are just distractions and cause unnecessary stress and pain when I cannot afford to have my concentration broken. But that's always easier said then done...but back to the story.
So I go into the callback trying so hard to forget anything that's going on in my life...to just concentrate, to do what I came to do. It looks like it's just me and one other girl up for the role, these are awesome odds...I just need to outshine. They call my name and it's come on Stephanie...concentrate...this is what you want, what you need, you deserve this role... I walk into the room and there's four people. Three seated and one who ushers me in and goes behind the monitor and camera on the right side. He pulls up a chair for me and a table to pretend is the pregnant lady (I'm giving their first ultrasound) while the other three converse with one another in Spanish...the topic? A salad. Yes, a salad. And here I am...standing or sitting rather, in front of them about to preform and they haven't even batted an eye or given me a second look, no hello no nothing. So then the guy behind the camera says ok...so it's the same thing as last time...slate, profiles, and start. So I do, feeling kinda detached and distant, forcing the actions and the smiles and thinking oh no, oh no...concentrate...and then it's over. The three on the couch nod and the girl on the right says "ok" and that's it...I stand, thank them...and before I know it I'm standing back out in the waiting room wondering what just happened, and kicking myself for being so removed from what was going on. Damn distractions. I try to brush it off...I mean you never know, they could have liked it, the other girl could do horribly, who knows...all I can do is let it go and wait.
And then I get the call today. After a long night at work, and a little pick me up from my blues...and a whole lot of randomness that I have only begun to process. Goes to show you really do never know, you may think you did great and never get a call...or you may think you did awful or at least not as good as you know you could have...and still make the cut. So now it's fingers crossed, it's time I book my first real paying gig...and with all that's going on in my life I feel like it would just make sense. I feel like my time is now, that I'm ready and that the universe is going to open up to me...and I hope that this cliff I'm slowly edging my way onto won't give way below me but rather support me and carry my on to greater heights. In life, in love, in entirety.
Hope, we must have hope...and faith. And we must learn to turn our backs on our fears, because sooner or later you must let go of that safety net and fly...even if it means we may fall.
So I guess the most relevant topic to share with you today would be the phone call I received this morning. Short, sweet, and full of promise. I tell myself to not get my hopes up...it's simply the next step and I could never get that final phone call...but then again...I just might... "Hello Stephanie, this is Summer (my commercial agent). You've been put on avail for Southern California Edison so I just need to check the dates with you..." Avail. AVAIL! That means I might book it! That means I didn't bomb like I felt like (having had that previous emotional roller coaster ride I mentioned interfere with my concentration)! Yes, it doesn't mean I booked it yet...I could never get that final call telling me where to be and when, but it's a step closer than I have been before, and that, well, that's progress.
This is the first audition I've been sent out on in months, it's not a national spot and it's a 2 year buyout so I won't be receiving any residuals until after 2013 if at all, but it's still work...and that right there would be progress. So last Wednesday night I received a text alert telling me that I had been requested to audition the following day for Southern California Edison for the role of "Nurse." So of course I hopped online and confirmed...2:30 in Hollywood. Left training early, got over to the casting studio and was ready to claim this role. Heck, I can be a nurse...I'm ambiguously asian/hispanic/whatever and I can easily play friendly and helpful, it's the story of my life. In and out in 5 minutes and back in my car feeling good about the audition and of course wishing I played this or that more but still overall pretty satisfied. Then comes the weekend's madness and Tuesday I get a call...I've got a callback tomorrow in Santa Monica...2:30. Well good thing I didn't end up going on that Vegas trip after all, so on Wed I get up and get ready, leave class early and make my way to Santa Monica. Here's where I get a little messed up...and yes, you may have guessed it, it's about a guy. Isn't it always? This is why I told myself I don't need to worry about dating...or relationships...or anything of that sort, they are just distractions and cause unnecessary stress and pain when I cannot afford to have my concentration broken. But that's always easier said then done...but back to the story.
So I go into the callback trying so hard to forget anything that's going on in my life...to just concentrate, to do what I came to do. It looks like it's just me and one other girl up for the role, these are awesome odds...I just need to outshine. They call my name and it's come on Stephanie...concentrate...this is what you want, what you need, you deserve this role... I walk into the room and there's four people. Three seated and one who ushers me in and goes behind the monitor and camera on the right side. He pulls up a chair for me and a table to pretend is the pregnant lady (I'm giving their first ultrasound) while the other three converse with one another in Spanish...the topic? A salad. Yes, a salad. And here I am...standing or sitting rather, in front of them about to preform and they haven't even batted an eye or given me a second look, no hello no nothing. So then the guy behind the camera says ok...so it's the same thing as last time...slate, profiles, and start. So I do, feeling kinda detached and distant, forcing the actions and the smiles and thinking oh no, oh no...concentrate...and then it's over. The three on the couch nod and the girl on the right says "ok" and that's it...I stand, thank them...and before I know it I'm standing back out in the waiting room wondering what just happened, and kicking myself for being so removed from what was going on. Damn distractions. I try to brush it off...I mean you never know, they could have liked it, the other girl could do horribly, who knows...all I can do is let it go and wait.
And then I get the call today. After a long night at work, and a little pick me up from my blues...and a whole lot of randomness that I have only begun to process. Goes to show you really do never know, you may think you did great and never get a call...or you may think you did awful or at least not as good as you know you could have...and still make the cut. So now it's fingers crossed, it's time I book my first real paying gig...and with all that's going on in my life I feel like it would just make sense. I feel like my time is now, that I'm ready and that the universe is going to open up to me...and I hope that this cliff I'm slowly edging my way onto won't give way below me but rather support me and carry my on to greater heights. In life, in love, in entirety.
Hope, we must have hope...and faith. And we must learn to turn our backs on our fears, because sooner or later you must let go of that safety net and fly...even if it means we may fall.
Monday, August 15, 2011
Pressing pause...
So I guess we're about due for a new post and my, how quickly things change. Last time I wrote about being inspired, feeling motivated, achieving your dreams and not letting anything or anyone get in the way. Well, not even a month later and how the tables have turned. That's just like life though, and we must learn to roll with the punches and enjoy the crazy ride for in the end, there's really no use fighting it.
I'm not saying that I've lost that drive or motivation or belief in myself and my "destiny," no, not at all...I'm just saying that sometimes life has a different plan for us and we have to let go and let the current take us downstream. In the end we will eventually end up in the ocean, but how we get there is not always determined by us. So July has come and gone and silly me to think August would be less hectic and allow me to concentrate on my goals and joys, for I have quickly found that not to be the case. If anything, August is crazier than July, not by choice but by obligation. My wants are superseded by my needs; mainly my need to survive.
At Playhouse west our teachers love telling us the story of James Franco...the golden boy of PW. I love James Franco, I think he is brilliant and talented and definitely one of the great actors of my generation not to mention super hot. I've loved him for a while and his work just seems to get better and better, he truly is an artist, and I am clearly not alone in my admiration. Needless to say, if you ever take a class at Playhouse West you will undoubtedly hear his name over and over and over until quite frankly, you are a little sick of hearing it. But that is not what I'm getting at, and not what I want you to take from this tangent. James has not gotten to where he is by luck, or by chance, he is and was dedicated to his craft, his work, his dream. I don't know how many times I've heard the story of how for a time he lived in his car while dedicating all his time to rehearsing and class and acting and projects with his fellow students and how that is the very dedication that is required to achieve what he has. While I admire James and his drive and his hardship and sacrifices, I have too strong a sense of obligation and responsibility to support myself to ever allow myself to fall on such hardships. Don't get me wrong, I am in no way disparaging those who find themselves homeless or down on their luck, I do not know their story of how they got there and I am almost positive it was not by choice, all I am trying to say is that I was raised to always take care of your basic needs first. Shelter, food, pay your bills on time, don't live outside your means. Life humble and work hard and once you find stability then you can indulge in the rest, in what you love.
So August finds me regrettably dedicating my time and energy not to class, rehearsals, and showcases like July, but to work. Work and obligations, responsibilities, and putting the ducks in a row. I fought with myself the first Tuesday of the month, up and dressed, ready for class at 8:30am still a little exhausted from Vegas the weekend before (the batchelorette party) and knowing that the month ahead would not allow me the time necessary to be a dedicated student or even attend class regularly. I had just started training at a new job since my current one was undergoing drastic policy changes and with them it seemed soon I would not be able to support myself and my class tuition. So here I was, forced to look elsewhere for the means to my end and juggling my current shifts while trying to show my new job that I was just as serious about them as my new currently jobless colleges were. I wanted so badly to continue my classes and dedication to moving forward with my dreams as well, but it just didn't seem plausible...or smart to try to juggle this new commitment along with all that I was already doing. Plus, since it was new restaurant their training schedule was not set in stone I was never sure when I would be expected to there at the drop of a hat, many times interfering with class time. I attempted once or twice to do both, go to class and then make it to training but since class and the job were on opposite sides of LA, I was consistently late, racing all over town to make it to class, training, and often work.
As I sat there in my apartment watching the minutes roll by debating whether or not to get into my car and to the first class of the new month, fighting with myself and trying to find any way in my mind that I could continue all my classes and both work schedules I finally resigned the fact that responsibility outweighs passion. It just did not seem reasonable or even possible, so finally I made the hard decision that something had to give. It couldn't be work because I need to support myself, it couldn't be training and the new job because without it class is not an option, I had already decided to take another break from the theater company, and I couldn't take a month off of Grey's or I'd be ineligible again for the next showcase and deprive myself of the chance to preform in front of industry individuals and possibly my future representation, so that left only one option. Playhouse West. Playhouse being the greater time commitment with the twice weekly classes and outside rehearsals and reading lists (all the books having just ordered and been delivered to my doorstep just days before), all of which I loved and wanted to truly dedicate my time to. I knew I'd be cheating myself and my classmates if I half-assed it; if I simply showed up to class tired and drained and was a warm body but nothing more. I would not get anything out of it and neither would my peers who were chosen to work with me. Not to mention my fierce pride and competitive nature. If I'm to do something I am adamant on doing it right, and I knew I couldn't honestly tell myself I would be able to.
So here I am...half way through the month with finally a moment to spare to open my soul to the world and I am no closer to finding that balance needed to invest my time back into what it is I love and miss. I sometimes wish I could be so free to live out of my car like James...but then I realize that above all, I must survive, and the only way I know how is this way. You work hard, you make sacrifices, and you will in time, succeed. I may be juggling two jobs, I may have stopped auditioning, I may have had to stop going to class but this is not the end, this is not over, I have simply pressed pause on the soundtrack of my dreams, the last note suspended in time and space, hanging, waiting until it is once again clear for the needle to drop and the music to begin again as if nothing ever changed. And I too am waiting, hanging, going through the motions and living the moments not for what I want but what I need. Everything else is secondary, I work, I sleep, I eat, I make social appointments with only those who mean the most to me simply to keep myself sane, and I hope for that day to come soon when I can once again simply work to support my dream, not make my work my life.
I'm not saying that I've lost that drive or motivation or belief in myself and my "destiny," no, not at all...I'm just saying that sometimes life has a different plan for us and we have to let go and let the current take us downstream. In the end we will eventually end up in the ocean, but how we get there is not always determined by us. So July has come and gone and silly me to think August would be less hectic and allow me to concentrate on my goals and joys, for I have quickly found that not to be the case. If anything, August is crazier than July, not by choice but by obligation. My wants are superseded by my needs; mainly my need to survive.
At Playhouse west our teachers love telling us the story of James Franco...the golden boy of PW. I love James Franco, I think he is brilliant and talented and definitely one of the great actors of my generation not to mention super hot. I've loved him for a while and his work just seems to get better and better, he truly is an artist, and I am clearly not alone in my admiration. Needless to say, if you ever take a class at Playhouse West you will undoubtedly hear his name over and over and over until quite frankly, you are a little sick of hearing it. But that is not what I'm getting at, and not what I want you to take from this tangent. James has not gotten to where he is by luck, or by chance, he is and was dedicated to his craft, his work, his dream. I don't know how many times I've heard the story of how for a time he lived in his car while dedicating all his time to rehearsing and class and acting and projects with his fellow students and how that is the very dedication that is required to achieve what he has. While I admire James and his drive and his hardship and sacrifices, I have too strong a sense of obligation and responsibility to support myself to ever allow myself to fall on such hardships. Don't get me wrong, I am in no way disparaging those who find themselves homeless or down on their luck, I do not know their story of how they got there and I am almost positive it was not by choice, all I am trying to say is that I was raised to always take care of your basic needs first. Shelter, food, pay your bills on time, don't live outside your means. Life humble and work hard and once you find stability then you can indulge in the rest, in what you love.
So August finds me regrettably dedicating my time and energy not to class, rehearsals, and showcases like July, but to work. Work and obligations, responsibilities, and putting the ducks in a row. I fought with myself the first Tuesday of the month, up and dressed, ready for class at 8:30am still a little exhausted from Vegas the weekend before (the batchelorette party) and knowing that the month ahead would not allow me the time necessary to be a dedicated student or even attend class regularly. I had just started training at a new job since my current one was undergoing drastic policy changes and with them it seemed soon I would not be able to support myself and my class tuition. So here I was, forced to look elsewhere for the means to my end and juggling my current shifts while trying to show my new job that I was just as serious about them as my new currently jobless colleges were. I wanted so badly to continue my classes and dedication to moving forward with my dreams as well, but it just didn't seem plausible...or smart to try to juggle this new commitment along with all that I was already doing. Plus, since it was new restaurant their training schedule was not set in stone I was never sure when I would be expected to there at the drop of a hat, many times interfering with class time. I attempted once or twice to do both, go to class and then make it to training but since class and the job were on opposite sides of LA, I was consistently late, racing all over town to make it to class, training, and often work.
As I sat there in my apartment watching the minutes roll by debating whether or not to get into my car and to the first class of the new month, fighting with myself and trying to find any way in my mind that I could continue all my classes and both work schedules I finally resigned the fact that responsibility outweighs passion. It just did not seem reasonable or even possible, so finally I made the hard decision that something had to give. It couldn't be work because I need to support myself, it couldn't be training and the new job because without it class is not an option, I had already decided to take another break from the theater company, and I couldn't take a month off of Grey's or I'd be ineligible again for the next showcase and deprive myself of the chance to preform in front of industry individuals and possibly my future representation, so that left only one option. Playhouse West. Playhouse being the greater time commitment with the twice weekly classes and outside rehearsals and reading lists (all the books having just ordered and been delivered to my doorstep just days before), all of which I loved and wanted to truly dedicate my time to. I knew I'd be cheating myself and my classmates if I half-assed it; if I simply showed up to class tired and drained and was a warm body but nothing more. I would not get anything out of it and neither would my peers who were chosen to work with me. Not to mention my fierce pride and competitive nature. If I'm to do something I am adamant on doing it right, and I knew I couldn't honestly tell myself I would be able to.
So here I am...half way through the month with finally a moment to spare to open my soul to the world and I am no closer to finding that balance needed to invest my time back into what it is I love and miss. I sometimes wish I could be so free to live out of my car like James...but then I realize that above all, I must survive, and the only way I know how is this way. You work hard, you make sacrifices, and you will in time, succeed. I may be juggling two jobs, I may have stopped auditioning, I may have had to stop going to class but this is not the end, this is not over, I have simply pressed pause on the soundtrack of my dreams, the last note suspended in time and space, hanging, waiting until it is once again clear for the needle to drop and the music to begin again as if nothing ever changed. And I too am waiting, hanging, going through the motions and living the moments not for what I want but what I need. Everything else is secondary, I work, I sleep, I eat, I make social appointments with only those who mean the most to me simply to keep myself sane, and I hope for that day to come soon when I can once again simply work to support my dream, not make my work my life.
Thursday, July 21, 2011
Destined for greatness...
I don't have cable, or any type of television service for that matter...too expensive and too distracting. But what I do have is internet, hulu, and a netflix password all of which are just as, if not more, distracting. Go figure. Streaming TV shows are my guilty pleasure, they provide hours of mindless entertainment, when one episode is done you simply click next to see the next. No waiting a week, no commercial breaks...extremely dangerous. So much so that I've been quite rapidly depleting the number of quality series available at the touch of a mouse, it's a little depressing but entirely irrelevant to the topic at hand, so let's begin...
Lately I'm on a historical fiction kick. I was always a sucker for castles, kingdoms, and the medieval time period. Growing up I was obsessed with Ireland. I'd spend countless hours in my room or on the hill across the street dreaming up elaborate fantasy worlds with thick accents and rich histories of birthrights, valiance, and romance. So, it's no surprise that once I ran out of Dexter seasons, The Office, and HIMYM, I turned to shows of that nature. Granted they may not be the most well written or witty shows out there but there is something that can be taken from them, something that dawned on me recently and has had a profound effect on me since. It's not a new idea or revelation -- you've surely heard it before -- but it is no less groundbreaking and powerful when you come to realize it yourself. I got to thinking about the shows I've been watching and the impossible feats and obstacles that the protagonists are faced with and overcome and it hit me. The characters in these shows cannot loose, they cannot fail, against all odds they must succeed, there is no option of failure. If they fail they loose everything, including their lives for it is their destiny to achieve greatness and to fail your destiny is to fail much more than just yourself.
Never once is it said that their destiny is a sure thing, never once does it say the future is unchangeable, they still must fight for it, suffer for it, struggle and face these seemingly impossible obstacles, they must give their all, their sweat, their tears, their every hope and dream, and many times they come so close to loosing, to dying, to failing, but they never ever give up. And why? Because they have the knowledge that they were meant for this, that they have a higher calling, that failure is NOT an option. It is their destiny to be the King, to unite the land, to be the greatest sorcerer of all time. It doesn't matter what it is, what matters is that they must fulfill it, no questions asked, no if and or buts.
But what if our lives were like that? What if we were told we were destined for greatness and we actually believed it? What if failure, although always a possibility, was not an option because our destiny awaited? What would we do differently? What would change?
We are always told as children we can be whatever we want; we can change the world...but what if instead we were told we will change the world, that it is written in the histories of man, written in the stars; that we are the stuff of legends and that we must now go out there and become that person that it is said we will be? Can you imagine how differently we would act if we knew for certain or truly believed that we would achieve our dreams, that we must? So many of us want things, want to be better, want to be smarter, want to be more than we are...but what if these wants were not simply things we longed for but things imperative to fulfilling our true purpose? We would not put them off, we would not say "well I didn't get to the gym today, there's always tomorrow," no. We would wake up and say "today I must go, today I must achieve" for destiny cannot wait. That's the problem with dreams, we put them off for too long. Tomorrow becomes next week, next week becomes next month, next month becomes next year, and before we know it our dreams become things of the past, things we always wanted to do but never got around to. So why not make our dreams our destiny? It is always said we create our own destiny's so why not believe in them? Why not convince ourselves that we too are destined for greatness?
And what if we are? What if we simply didn't realize it before? What if I am destined to be one of the great artists of my time...I just haven't realized it till now? There is no room for questions in the end, there is no room for the what if, there is only the is and am.
So today I make my dream my destiny. I do not hope to be a great actor, I do not wish to be more diligent, more driven, I do not try to be motivated. My motivation is a given, there is no option to be less driven, less diligent for it is my destiny to be a great actor of my time. All those who have come before me and who have achieved greatness, they have not done it by dreaming, by hoping, they have done it because they believed that failure was not an option. They believed that they were destined for greatness and they went out there and they took what was theirs. Last week I cried. I cried because I realized the life I once had, the life I once wanted, the life that I grew up with was so far from the one that I have now, and I wanted both. I wanted to achieve that past life again but through the one I was living now...and man, looking at the big picture and seeing how far I have to reach before I have the ability or the option to combine both lives...well, it's overwhelming. But through the tears comes clarity and I have found it at last. All that motivation I've written about, all that struggling to find drive and hold onto it. All that uncertainty in myself and my choices...it's all gone. It's all different now. I must push forward because this is what I'm meant to do, this is who I'm meat to be. All it took was me realizing and believing.
Lately I'm on a historical fiction kick. I was always a sucker for castles, kingdoms, and the medieval time period. Growing up I was obsessed with Ireland. I'd spend countless hours in my room or on the hill across the street dreaming up elaborate fantasy worlds with thick accents and rich histories of birthrights, valiance, and romance. So, it's no surprise that once I ran out of Dexter seasons, The Office, and HIMYM, I turned to shows of that nature. Granted they may not be the most well written or witty shows out there but there is something that can be taken from them, something that dawned on me recently and has had a profound effect on me since. It's not a new idea or revelation -- you've surely heard it before -- but it is no less groundbreaking and powerful when you come to realize it yourself. I got to thinking about the shows I've been watching and the impossible feats and obstacles that the protagonists are faced with and overcome and it hit me. The characters in these shows cannot loose, they cannot fail, against all odds they must succeed, there is no option of failure. If they fail they loose everything, including their lives for it is their destiny to achieve greatness and to fail your destiny is to fail much more than just yourself.
Never once is it said that their destiny is a sure thing, never once does it say the future is unchangeable, they still must fight for it, suffer for it, struggle and face these seemingly impossible obstacles, they must give their all, their sweat, their tears, their every hope and dream, and many times they come so close to loosing, to dying, to failing, but they never ever give up. And why? Because they have the knowledge that they were meant for this, that they have a higher calling, that failure is NOT an option. It is their destiny to be the King, to unite the land, to be the greatest sorcerer of all time. It doesn't matter what it is, what matters is that they must fulfill it, no questions asked, no if and or buts.
But what if our lives were like that? What if we were told we were destined for greatness and we actually believed it? What if failure, although always a possibility, was not an option because our destiny awaited? What would we do differently? What would change?
We are always told as children we can be whatever we want; we can change the world...but what if instead we were told we will change the world, that it is written in the histories of man, written in the stars; that we are the stuff of legends and that we must now go out there and become that person that it is said we will be? Can you imagine how differently we would act if we knew for certain or truly believed that we would achieve our dreams, that we must? So many of us want things, want to be better, want to be smarter, want to be more than we are...but what if these wants were not simply things we longed for but things imperative to fulfilling our true purpose? We would not put them off, we would not say "well I didn't get to the gym today, there's always tomorrow," no. We would wake up and say "today I must go, today I must achieve" for destiny cannot wait. That's the problem with dreams, we put them off for too long. Tomorrow becomes next week, next week becomes next month, next month becomes next year, and before we know it our dreams become things of the past, things we always wanted to do but never got around to. So why not make our dreams our destiny? It is always said we create our own destiny's so why not believe in them? Why not convince ourselves that we too are destined for greatness?
And what if we are? What if we simply didn't realize it before? What if I am destined to be one of the great artists of my time...I just haven't realized it till now? There is no room for questions in the end, there is no room for the what if, there is only the is and am.
So today I make my dream my destiny. I do not hope to be a great actor, I do not wish to be more diligent, more driven, I do not try to be motivated. My motivation is a given, there is no option to be less driven, less diligent for it is my destiny to be a great actor of my time. All those who have come before me and who have achieved greatness, they have not done it by dreaming, by hoping, they have done it because they believed that failure was not an option. They believed that they were destined for greatness and they went out there and they took what was theirs. Last week I cried. I cried because I realized the life I once had, the life I once wanted, the life that I grew up with was so far from the one that I have now, and I wanted both. I wanted to achieve that past life again but through the one I was living now...and man, looking at the big picture and seeing how far I have to reach before I have the ability or the option to combine both lives...well, it's overwhelming. But through the tears comes clarity and I have found it at last. All that motivation I've written about, all that struggling to find drive and hold onto it. All that uncertainty in myself and my choices...it's all gone. It's all different now. I must push forward because this is what I'm meant to do, this is who I'm meat to be. All it took was me realizing and believing.
I am destined for greatness, it is my destiny to be one of the greatest actors of my time, and I will achieve, I will succeed. I must.
Monday, July 18, 2011
Reflections in the water of the past...
So today is the birthday of my first boyfriend, first love, first heartbreak, first of many things. It's funny how when we grow up the lives we once believed we'd have change, our needs, our wants, us as a person, it all changes. He's married now, and apparently expecting his first child. It's crazy, I'm happy and excited for him, it's amazing to see what he's done with his life, how it's all unfolded. Granted we don't talk anymore and most of my information comes from that social media site that we all know and love, yes, the one that seems to rule lives...facebook...and the one or two off times I may see a post or happen across his page in boredom or mild curiosity but every time I do, I feel a strange pride in seeing his accomplishments, his happiness. Almost like I'm a proud birth parent of a child I gave up who doesn't know my existence and whom I admire from afar. Is that weird? It is kinda weird, hu? None the less, as I sit here thinking about the boy I once believed would be my husband, and the life we had imagined, I can't help but smile slightly with nostalgia.
Everyone remembers their first love, the trials the tribulations, the mistakes made by both, the promises made and broken, the way you though no one else could compare. The fights, the tears, the joy. The dreams, the plans, the romance, and the heartbreak. Our love was a mess, we were young, we fought like no other...I was crazy, demanding, he was goofy, and proud. We loved each other with all we could at that age, spent hours driving around town listening to music, nights laying on the field of his HS or in the bed of my truck looking at the stars. We broke up the summer before college, got back together, tried the long distance thing but when you're 18 Davis to Irvine was a bit to far and hormones were a bit too wild. Too many distractions, too many other options, too many questions of what if and what else is out there, I messed up, he messed up, and I broke both of our hearts. Years later we both found closure, I found a new path to my life and he found her. I always wondered how it would be to see him marry someone else, but when it happened all I was was happy for him. I did not hurt, our door had closed and we both recognized that long before his status went from "in a relationship" to "engaged." My life plan no longer involved winter trips to Tahoe, lunches at the Meadow Club, summer trips to Europe, sailing around the bay on lazy evenings but theirs did. She was, she is, perfect for him and they are so happy in the life that at one time I thought would be ours.
And I smile, because I know that is not the life I can have, not now. I realized this when I made the decision to move to LA instead of DC, to give up the straight and arrow path for one of art and creativity and struggle. I've made the decision to give away the wonderful life I dreamed of as a kid, the life that seemed so normal, so expected, and I'm happy that I don't have to feel guilty, wonder what if...what if I hadn't made those mistakes. I'm happy that someone I loved so much, hurt so much, is exactly where they are supposed to be, with exactly who they are meant to be with. Of course it makes me wonder if I'll find my one, I tell myself not to worry about that, I tell myself and those around me that I don't care, that I don't want to find that love, that I don't have time or energy...and it's true, but sometimes I wonder if I'm just afraid. Afraid to admit that I do want that, that I've always wanted that...my life may be way off course from the dream I had of being a young housewife in the suburbs with a big yard and comfortable means but sometimes I wonder if I'm really that different from the girl I was growing up. But it's idle thoughts, and counterproductive to the dreams I have now.
I'm an Actor, I live in my very own one bedroom apartment, I enjoy my freedom, my days alone, my restaurant/bar job. I often long for home and the lifestyle I am accustomed to, the beauty of the mountains, the redwoods, the fresh air, the promise, the contentment I feel, the peace of home...but I wouldn't know what to do with myself there. This is my life now, and until I understand how to combine both my worlds I must choose to live in one and try and forget the other. I will admire from afar my friends and past loves, and I will hold steady to the idea that this is who I'm ment to be, that I too will find my own life and happiness in time. The one thing I do know for certain is that my life is not meant to be what theirs is, my path has made a number of sharp turns in different directions and is an adventure all together different and wonderful. So as much as I ponder, and as many unanswered questions I have about my own wants, needs, and life...I can still appreciate the strides that others are making. The happiness they've found, well, there is no one more deserving of such a gift. And until I too find my own, for them and for that I smile.
Everyone remembers their first love, the trials the tribulations, the mistakes made by both, the promises made and broken, the way you though no one else could compare. The fights, the tears, the joy. The dreams, the plans, the romance, and the heartbreak. Our love was a mess, we were young, we fought like no other...I was crazy, demanding, he was goofy, and proud. We loved each other with all we could at that age, spent hours driving around town listening to music, nights laying on the field of his HS or in the bed of my truck looking at the stars. We broke up the summer before college, got back together, tried the long distance thing but when you're 18 Davis to Irvine was a bit to far and hormones were a bit too wild. Too many distractions, too many other options, too many questions of what if and what else is out there, I messed up, he messed up, and I broke both of our hearts. Years later we both found closure, I found a new path to my life and he found her. I always wondered how it would be to see him marry someone else, but when it happened all I was was happy for him. I did not hurt, our door had closed and we both recognized that long before his status went from "in a relationship" to "engaged." My life plan no longer involved winter trips to Tahoe, lunches at the Meadow Club, summer trips to Europe, sailing around the bay on lazy evenings but theirs did. She was, she is, perfect for him and they are so happy in the life that at one time I thought would be ours.
And I smile, because I know that is not the life I can have, not now. I realized this when I made the decision to move to LA instead of DC, to give up the straight and arrow path for one of art and creativity and struggle. I've made the decision to give away the wonderful life I dreamed of as a kid, the life that seemed so normal, so expected, and I'm happy that I don't have to feel guilty, wonder what if...what if I hadn't made those mistakes. I'm happy that someone I loved so much, hurt so much, is exactly where they are supposed to be, with exactly who they are meant to be with. Of course it makes me wonder if I'll find my one, I tell myself not to worry about that, I tell myself and those around me that I don't care, that I don't want to find that love, that I don't have time or energy...and it's true, but sometimes I wonder if I'm just afraid. Afraid to admit that I do want that, that I've always wanted that...my life may be way off course from the dream I had of being a young housewife in the suburbs with a big yard and comfortable means but sometimes I wonder if I'm really that different from the girl I was growing up. But it's idle thoughts, and counterproductive to the dreams I have now.
I'm an Actor, I live in my very own one bedroom apartment, I enjoy my freedom, my days alone, my restaurant/bar job. I often long for home and the lifestyle I am accustomed to, the beauty of the mountains, the redwoods, the fresh air, the promise, the contentment I feel, the peace of home...but I wouldn't know what to do with myself there. This is my life now, and until I understand how to combine both my worlds I must choose to live in one and try and forget the other. I will admire from afar my friends and past loves, and I will hold steady to the idea that this is who I'm ment to be, that I too will find my own life and happiness in time. The one thing I do know for certain is that my life is not meant to be what theirs is, my path has made a number of sharp turns in different directions and is an adventure all together different and wonderful. So as much as I ponder, and as many unanswered questions I have about my own wants, needs, and life...I can still appreciate the strides that others are making. The happiness they've found, well, there is no one more deserving of such a gift. And until I too find my own, for them and for that I smile.
Friday, July 8, 2011
Showtime...
So tonight is opening night of Atwater Playhouse's July showcase, and I can't pinpoint the exact emotion I'm experiencing. I suppose it's more plausible to describe it as a range of emotions as I swing from excited to slightly disappointed to indifferent. It's this sliding scale in conjunction with the weather that has influenced my actions or rather lack there of today, and has prompted me to attempt to identify, categorize, and describe to you what it is that's going on inside of me. I feel dull, removed, as if time has no effect and no purpose. That could be due to my mid afternoon nap that I recently arose from, sometimes the extra unneeded sleep puts me in a catatonic state, or perhaps the heat has made me that much more lethargic. It's not heat like the last week has been, that uncomfortable hot sticky feeling that makes sitting still unbearable but moving around even more so, no, but it's the heat that makes you lazy, makes afternoon naps naked with the windows open a great possibility. So here I sit, AC on, ceiling fan whirling, trying to wake myself up from this dream state and to live truthfully.
Live truthfully. I've recently learned that as actors it is our job to live, not act. Kinda strange that as an "actor" we must try our hardest to stay away from doing exactly that. Have you ever seen someone on the screen or in a play who was "acting?" I'm sure you have, we all have, it's awful, it's untruthful, it's downright distracting and we won't pay to see people simply "act" we want them to live. We watch movies to escape from our own lives, to let go, to believe in an alternative universe where extraordinary things happen and ordinary people rise up to their full potential in extreme situations. So the actors job is not to "act" rather it is to live, to live the role, the moment, have it be real for themselves and they will captivate their audience. To completely remove yourself from all social constrictions and feel openly without consequence. In layman's terms, I go to class to learn to be the 5 year old me again. The me without restriction, the me before politeness was hammered into me, before the walls went up around me, the me who was ruled by my urges not a slave to societies guidelines on how to react or not react to the world around us. We're taught to not say anything if we have nothing nice to say, to let things roll off our backs, to not cry or show when someone has hurt us. To stand strong, to build up this wall, to think before we speak. Everything that goes against simply living, feeling, being open, honest, and free. That's why acting is so difficult. You can't just memorize lines and get up on stage and act, or that's all it will be. A hollow shell with no deeper feeling, meaning, connection. Unrelatable and hallow.
That's kinda how I feel now. So far removed from my emotions not by choice, trying desperately to swim against this current, to dive deep down and pull the truth, the life, the raw feelings from where they swirl inside my heart. I feel like I'm putting up these emotional blockades to keep myself from being sad. From allowing myself to admit that I failed...that I've failed myself. You see this month I have a scene I like, like really really like, a scene I am excited to work on, to put up, to show people...and yet...caught up in my laziness and catatonic state of last month and then overwhelmed by the crazy business I realized was going to be this month I completely put off telling people about the upcoming show. I always tell people and yet this time, when I actually have something I think is really worth seeing, something I'm excited to show...I self sabotage and wait till the week of to start promoting. I know most my friends who would love to come support me live far away and have lives and make plans and now, due to my not informing them ahead of time, cannot come out and see my great work. I'm not saying that this scene is life changing, or that I'm the best I can be, or that I've done all the work there is to do and the scene is perfect. No, not at all...but I am saying that if I was going to have my friends come to any performance I've done so far...this would be it. This is one I'm truly looking forward to. And yet...most my audience is a solid "maybe" since I failed to do the simplest thing ever. Tell them ahead of time.
Not to say that without my own support system in the audience the show is worthless to me or means less...but it kinda does. We don't have an audience unless we bring an audience, and from previous showcases with my theater company, I'm sometimes the only one who's friends come support. I'm not sure if it's just because I have great friends, or if I'm the only one who actually tells people about the show, I am pretty sure it's both...but I think I'll stick to the awesome friends idea. And for the first time I'm truely excited, I have a great scrip from a little known play write, I have a strong acting partner, I have new techniques....I want to show people, and if there's no one to show then why am I getting on stage? I know that I don't act for praise, or just because people are watching but in the end, the actor needs an audience, just as a writer needs a reader, or there'd be no use in acting at all. I guess I can just hope that my friend are that extraordinary and that some of my maybes become yeses, and in the end all I can ask for is to live up there on that stage live and have fun.
I'm read for the world to end, I'm ready for Early One Evening at the Rainbow Bar and Grill, I'm ready to live.
Live truthfully. I've recently learned that as actors it is our job to live, not act. Kinda strange that as an "actor" we must try our hardest to stay away from doing exactly that. Have you ever seen someone on the screen or in a play who was "acting?" I'm sure you have, we all have, it's awful, it's untruthful, it's downright distracting and we won't pay to see people simply "act" we want them to live. We watch movies to escape from our own lives, to let go, to believe in an alternative universe where extraordinary things happen and ordinary people rise up to their full potential in extreme situations. So the actors job is not to "act" rather it is to live, to live the role, the moment, have it be real for themselves and they will captivate their audience. To completely remove yourself from all social constrictions and feel openly without consequence. In layman's terms, I go to class to learn to be the 5 year old me again. The me without restriction, the me before politeness was hammered into me, before the walls went up around me, the me who was ruled by my urges not a slave to societies guidelines on how to react or not react to the world around us. We're taught to not say anything if we have nothing nice to say, to let things roll off our backs, to not cry or show when someone has hurt us. To stand strong, to build up this wall, to think before we speak. Everything that goes against simply living, feeling, being open, honest, and free. That's why acting is so difficult. You can't just memorize lines and get up on stage and act, or that's all it will be. A hollow shell with no deeper feeling, meaning, connection. Unrelatable and hallow.
That's kinda how I feel now. So far removed from my emotions not by choice, trying desperately to swim against this current, to dive deep down and pull the truth, the life, the raw feelings from where they swirl inside my heart. I feel like I'm putting up these emotional blockades to keep myself from being sad. From allowing myself to admit that I failed...that I've failed myself. You see this month I have a scene I like, like really really like, a scene I am excited to work on, to put up, to show people...and yet...caught up in my laziness and catatonic state of last month and then overwhelmed by the crazy business I realized was going to be this month I completely put off telling people about the upcoming show. I always tell people and yet this time, when I actually have something I think is really worth seeing, something I'm excited to show...I self sabotage and wait till the week of to start promoting. I know most my friends who would love to come support me live far away and have lives and make plans and now, due to my not informing them ahead of time, cannot come out and see my great work. I'm not saying that this scene is life changing, or that I'm the best I can be, or that I've done all the work there is to do and the scene is perfect. No, not at all...but I am saying that if I was going to have my friends come to any performance I've done so far...this would be it. This is one I'm truly looking forward to. And yet...most my audience is a solid "maybe" since I failed to do the simplest thing ever. Tell them ahead of time.
Not to say that without my own support system in the audience the show is worthless to me or means less...but it kinda does. We don't have an audience unless we bring an audience, and from previous showcases with my theater company, I'm sometimes the only one who's friends come support. I'm not sure if it's just because I have great friends, or if I'm the only one who actually tells people about the show, I am pretty sure it's both...but I think I'll stick to the awesome friends idea. And for the first time I'm truely excited, I have a great scrip from a little known play write, I have a strong acting partner, I have new techniques....I want to show people, and if there's no one to show then why am I getting on stage? I know that I don't act for praise, or just because people are watching but in the end, the actor needs an audience, just as a writer needs a reader, or there'd be no use in acting at all. I guess I can just hope that my friend are that extraordinary and that some of my maybes become yeses, and in the end all I can ask for is to live up there on that stage live and have fun.
I'm read for the world to end, I'm ready for Early One Evening at the Rainbow Bar and Grill, I'm ready to live.
Thursday, July 7, 2011
The diet of an artist
So I went to the grocery store today to stock up on some necessities. It wasn't grocery day (that's reserved for Mondays) but as Monday was a holiday and my fridge was looking quite bare with it's family sized pack of chicken drumsticks leftover from the beach, giant piece of week old cheesecake leftover from a catered party at work, odd condiments, and aloe vera to treat my aching sunburnt back (15 hours at the beach is not ever a good idea), I decided to break my schedule and pick up some things to get me through the week. Come to think of it perhaps I should change my grocery day...Monday may not be the best choice, but that's an entirely different subject and irrelevant at the moment. So back to the task...
They say you can tell a lot about a person by what they buy, what they eat. It shows you what is important to them in life. For example, someone that stocks up on brown rice, chicken breast, and leafy greens is most likely someone who values an active lifestyle and their health. Someone who stocks up on the sweets likes to indulge and places more value on comfort and someone who frequents the frozen food or ramen isles is someone with either little time, or patience to care about nutrition. Granted my observations may be very basic and at times incorrect but you get my general gist. So what did I buy? Well let's see...
Bread, pop tarts, more bread, nutra grain bars, cheese...the necessities for living my lifestyle. It wasn't always this way, I used to love dinner. More specifically cooking extravagant dinners for myself and my roommates or boyfriends or whomever I could at the time. I loved thumbing through the recipe book, writing the shopping lists, hitting the market, all the slicing, dicing, stiring, simmering, the multi tasking and challenge of timing it right so that everything was done at the same time. Hot vegis, meat, starch, perfect unison perfect temperature perfect square meal. Granted this was back before I worked nights and weekends, back before I was a starving artist, back before I worked three jobs to become a starving artist. Times have changed. I don't have the luxury of planning out and creating such meals, I've siphoned my funds towards classes instead of expensive grocery trips, and my time towards work and scene work and everything else in between instead of hours in the kitchen perfecting my culinary skills.
So here I was, in the self check out lane with my carbs, quick breakfast options (this was the first time I think I've EVER bought pop tarts...but waking up and getting to a 9 am class after working till 2:30 am the previous night calls for extreme measures), and cheese. Breakfast and lunch have become my only consistent meals I have at home, and on a tight budget and schedule you can't beat home made sandwiches and instant semi-nutritious meal options. At least not for a mid week quick grocery trip. I do have three nights where I can make myself dinner if I watch my time wisely, and for those meals I peruse the meat and fish department eyes peeled for a good weekly special on grocery day. I'll dedicate an entire post to that later, complete with meal ideas and do it at home tips. As for today, I wasn't going to get distracted by more than the Kings Hawaiian Bread that was on sale and ended up coming home with me for no other reason than it's deliciousness.
...oh, that and the best kind of sandwiches ever...ICE CREAM SANDWICHES! Can you tell where my priorities lie? Lol.
They say you can tell a lot about a person by what they buy, what they eat. It shows you what is important to them in life. For example, someone that stocks up on brown rice, chicken breast, and leafy greens is most likely someone who values an active lifestyle and their health. Someone who stocks up on the sweets likes to indulge and places more value on comfort and someone who frequents the frozen food or ramen isles is someone with either little time, or patience to care about nutrition. Granted my observations may be very basic and at times incorrect but you get my general gist. So what did I buy? Well let's see...
Bread, pop tarts, more bread, nutra grain bars, cheese...the necessities for living my lifestyle. It wasn't always this way, I used to love dinner. More specifically cooking extravagant dinners for myself and my roommates or boyfriends or whomever I could at the time. I loved thumbing through the recipe book, writing the shopping lists, hitting the market, all the slicing, dicing, stiring, simmering, the multi tasking and challenge of timing it right so that everything was done at the same time. Hot vegis, meat, starch, perfect unison perfect temperature perfect square meal. Granted this was back before I worked nights and weekends, back before I was a starving artist, back before I worked three jobs to become a starving artist. Times have changed. I don't have the luxury of planning out and creating such meals, I've siphoned my funds towards classes instead of expensive grocery trips, and my time towards work and scene work and everything else in between instead of hours in the kitchen perfecting my culinary skills.
So here I was, in the self check out lane with my carbs, quick breakfast options (this was the first time I think I've EVER bought pop tarts...but waking up and getting to a 9 am class after working till 2:30 am the previous night calls for extreme measures), and cheese. Breakfast and lunch have become my only consistent meals I have at home, and on a tight budget and schedule you can't beat home made sandwiches and instant semi-nutritious meal options. At least not for a mid week quick grocery trip. I do have three nights where I can make myself dinner if I watch my time wisely, and for those meals I peruse the meat and fish department eyes peeled for a good weekly special on grocery day. I'll dedicate an entire post to that later, complete with meal ideas and do it at home tips. As for today, I wasn't going to get distracted by more than the Kings Hawaiian Bread that was on sale and ended up coming home with me for no other reason than it's deliciousness.
...oh, that and the best kind of sandwiches ever...ICE CREAM SANDWICHES! Can you tell where my priorities lie? Lol.
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