Today someone asked me two seemingly simple questions.
- What are the excuses you are making that are keeping you from achieving what it is you want?
- If it was easy to go out there and get, what would you do?
Of course my first reaction was to roll my eyes and think oh great, I know how this goes, I know what answers they want to hear but it really IS hard to get what I want...there really ARE obstacles that are not in my power...this is lame but instead I smiled and went along with the game. Everyone wants an agent I responded to the first, for that truly is how it feels at times.
"Everyone?" They retorted with, "well I'm not looking for an agent, and there are lots of people with them...so surely not everyone." Yes, ok, I knew that was coming I thought as internally I once again rolled my eyes...but I nodded outwardly, for I know it is the truth. Well I would go out and get one, I answered in response to the second question, the obvious answer...the one they clearly wanted to hear.
"Well then what is stopping you?" they unsurprisingly shot back. Yep, saw that one coming too my cynical and prideful side sarcastically thought while I bit my tongue as to not let any of that pigheadedness escape into the world. It is true you know. We make excuses to why we cannot achieve our goals, why it's so impossible that we shouldn't even bother trying and we convince ourselves that there is nothing we can do about it to make us feel better about our inaction. The biggest thing standing between us and achieving what it is we want whether it be happiness, love, prosperity, growth, is ourselves. We are so afraid of failure, afraid of rejection, afraid of success that we simply make excuses and don't really, truly, try. Of course we all aren't like this...there are those who go out there and get what they want. We call them the go-getters, and envy their drive, their determination, their ultimate success and happiness from our safe little windows in the restrictive boxes we place ourselves. We convince ourselves that we, unlike them, can't do that. But why?
For years I've known that I am my biggest enemy, that the thing holding me back most is nothing more than myself and my fears. I've contemplated why it is that everyone else believes in me more than I believe in myself...and I've come to the determination that in the end I am afraid of success. Logical right? Because if I got everything I wanted then what? What? I'd be happy? Heaven forbid! And yes, I'm being quite sarcastic and self demeaning here...but not without cause. I've always been the one to sabotage the good things in my life as if subconsciously I wanted to stay miserable, that being unhappy is safe. I talk about wanting to be happy, I think about it constantly, I read books and articles claiming to have the answers to finding it, but if I am to be entirely honest...there's part of me that knows that I am what is standing in my own way. It's simple to see, but so hard to truly admit...perfect example is my adolescent reactions to the simple questions that are meant to help me. My quick defensive responses and smart-alec quips placing the blame off myself where I know it does indeed lie, thinking this is so stupid when I know really...it is not.
I've always been that way...and I don't know when or how it began. This want and need to not face the truth, to ignore it, to excuse myself from blame when things go wrong. I mean I know we all do it, and that I'm not among the worst...that even though I feel these urges or think the thoughts I know deep down that I need to suffocate them, hide them; I know that they are not the appropriate responses. But does that make me better or worse than those who are clueless? For at least I should know better, knowing better.
So what is standing in my way? Nothing. Nothing that should be there, nothing that I do not have the power to change. What am I going to do? I'm going to go out there and get what I want, what I need. I have no more excuses...it's time to stop wallowing in self pity and being sad for what I do not have...it is time to change the game. Time to change myself. Time to look forward to success and not fear it...time to achieve.
And I want you, my reader to do the same. Ask yourself what it is you really want...what is it you are telling yourself is standing in your way...and if it was easy to do...what would you do? You may be surprised.
**Side note...I have at least 10 old posts that I've begun and yet never finished spanning the last year. Things I was passionate enough about to sit down and start to write but never write that last word and hit publish...what was stopping me? Maybe it's time to change that. Maybe it's time to complete what I've begun in all aspects of my life. Be on the lookout for the revival of old topics...**
Tuesday, January 3, 2012
Monday, November 28, 2011
The past...
So I just had my 10 year high school reunion this weekend, and it's a funny thing about reunions...no matter how much you think you won't or try not to be affected by the past and who you were then, you inevitably fall into your same role. Perhaps just for a brief moment before you realize how utterly ridiculous it is that you have become your teenage self again, or maybe you never notice and end up hanging out with your old friends all night recreating those old high school cliques unwittingly. Either way, you are not immune to the mysterious power that is and was your adolescence, and I was no exception. I was excited to go to my reunion, even though the realization that I was really that old was a bit unnerving. I knew that I was a different person now than I was back then, that I've been one of those who has come into her own after graduation, and I was ready to shine. Don't get me wrong, I loved my time at RHS, maybe more in memory than in actuality roaming those halls day in and day out, and I was not looking forward to all the "what do you do now?" questions...but I was confident and that right there made all the difference. To say I was shy back in high school is an understatement, I was really shy, really quiet, really insecure, and yet...I wanted nothing else but to not be. This is not to be mistaken with soft spoken or timid, I had no problem telling you what was on my mind...but only if you talked to me first. I hated the fact that I gravitated to the corners of the room, that I stood in silence instead of standing in the spotlight making jokes, but what could I do? I mean still I have those moments of self doubt in social situations but hell, I'm an actor and you'll be damned if I let those rule my life anymore. I thought I'd go into the reunion confident and strong and ready to talk to people and find out how they too have changed...only to find that none of us really did change...or did we?
Ok, so maybe I'm not being fair. I know for a fact that some of us did. Take my friend who I went with for example, a wonderful vibrant confident and undoubtedly gorgeous woman who back in senior high was, believe it or not, quieter than even me. Seriously, I had to convince her to even go to our prom. Back then she was the same wonderful sweet and beautiful girl as she is now...just add ten years, a bottle of peroxide, some stilleto heels, and confidence that is unassuming yet sparkling with self assurance and you've got a force to be reckoned with. You've also got a girl who had no problem working the room and laughed at the end of the night recalling how may people had said they didn't remember her in high school. Seriously, I admired her and the ease at which she appeared to have shed her 17 year old self. I wasn't quite so lucky and noticed myself playing it safe most the night, talking to people that I had known at least slightly well (or as well as a quiet shy girl could have) back in High School during the reunion. I mean to be honest we all knew everyone we graduated regardless of whether or not we had ever actually spoken to them only having a class of around 300...and of the 75 or so that showed up to the event most of them were all people you'd expect to see there...people from roughly the same social circles that overlapped from time to time or had mingled at parties (or shown up to them) back in the day. There were the leadership crowed, the partiers, the "cool jocks" (because we most definitely had the uncool ones too), the ones that went to the dances and the football games and hung out in the front parking lot for lunch and after school. The ones that if my High School had been a movie...were the ones the movie would undoubtedly include as the semi cool kids, the ones you'd expect to go off to good colleges and join fraternities and sororities (and I'm pretty certain most of us did just that). The "ultra" cool kids who cut class and smoked cigarettes, the "mean girls," the "drama freaks," the "nerds," well most of them were mia this Friday night...minus a stray straggler here and there.
This is not to say everyone that was there that night had been part of the same circle because we were not, but generally speaking there were no huge surprise appearances, and no crazy "omg did you see so and so" moments. Yes. We all looked pretty much the same...if not better than we had back then. At least those of us who came, but back to the point. Sometime in the night I remember looking around and realizing how strange it was. I saw what I would have considered my group of friends at the photo booth, all getting ready to take photos and contemplated joining them because after all, wasn't I part of their group? And yet, I stopped, I hesitated, instead of running over and joining in on the fun I told myself no, they were better friends, I was just on the outskirts of that group, quiet and doubtful...and I watched them from afar take a set of group photos that I should have been in. So strange too, because looking back there is no way that I would have done anything but add to that photo, for those WERE my friends back then...yet I was momentarily frozen with the same insecurities that I had in high school. The fear of imposing where I was not welcome, where I may not belong in someone else's eyes...that same fear that kept me shy and quiet back then was again holding me back now. And I realized as I looked at my classmates...I was not alone. True some of them were off comfortably mingling with people they may not have been friends with back in the day, but most of them were sticking to those friends that they had been the closest too... reminiscing no doubt and reconnecting in some cases...but also staying where they felt most comfortable, back in those social cliques we all stuck to that helped us not feel so alone in those lost years of youth. By the end of the reunion everyone remaining had either made enough trips to the bar or come to the same realization that I had and begun to loose those old teenage inhibitions and return to their normal adult selves and that's when the fun really began. That's when you had conversations with people you never talked to before, when you approached your old crush to see who they were now, when you realized that you were missing out on some really awesome people, or that people you thought were awesome really didn't stack up. And yes, I'm most definitely referring to my own personal experience here.
But in the end, I guess what the moral of the story is, the entire reason for taking you my reader down this rabbit hole of memory lane with me...is that no matter how much we think we've changed, no matter how far we've come in our lives...we really are always who were back then. And I'm not just talking about High School, but at every point in our lives, the high moments, the lows, and everything in between. Yes people change, people grow, we are never the exact same person we were just moments before...but we never escape the past, for the past has made us what we are now. We should embrace it, not run from it, even if we think it did nothing but inhibit us. It should be a strength within us, not something we cover up and try to hide away.
I am the shy, quiet, horribly insecure girl I was then. But that is my strength, not my weakness. I am also a wonderful, confident, strong woman who is not afraid to go after her dreams...and stand here today before you and say...
I'm done running away from my past, done trying to forget things and mistakes I have made. Perhaps it's easy for me to say, I have not made any giant irreversible stumbles on my path to who I am now...but we all have had our moments. Regardless, we should not dwell on those times rather look how far we have come, look how much stronger, better, more amazing we are now. And if you cannot relate...then maybe it is time you looked at your past, and re-evaluated who you are now, who you think you are, and who you want to be.
All in all, I'm glad I went. It was a lot different than I had expected, though I'm not quite sure what it was that I thought I was going to be experiencing. I know for one thing though, it was a lot weirder than I had thought it would be, and yet still a lot of fun (granted the multiple trips to the bar to visit my friend Jamie and coke may have helped with that a bit). I do wish though, that more people had gone, that the people that hung out on the fringes of the student body had proudly walked into that room and been able to do what my friend did so well...and me, well, less well...been comfortable with who we are now, and shown those who we may have looked up to or shied away from, that we are and always were just as amazing as ever.
Be strong, be happy, be wonderful, be you.
Ok, so maybe I'm not being fair. I know for a fact that some of us did. Take my friend who I went with for example, a wonderful vibrant confident and undoubtedly gorgeous woman who back in senior high was, believe it or not, quieter than even me. Seriously, I had to convince her to even go to our prom. Back then she was the same wonderful sweet and beautiful girl as she is now...just add ten years, a bottle of peroxide, some stilleto heels, and confidence that is unassuming yet sparkling with self assurance and you've got a force to be reckoned with. You've also got a girl who had no problem working the room and laughed at the end of the night recalling how may people had said they didn't remember her in high school. Seriously, I admired her and the ease at which she appeared to have shed her 17 year old self. I wasn't quite so lucky and noticed myself playing it safe most the night, talking to people that I had known at least slightly well (or as well as a quiet shy girl could have) back in High School during the reunion. I mean to be honest we all knew everyone we graduated regardless of whether or not we had ever actually spoken to them only having a class of around 300...and of the 75 or so that showed up to the event most of them were all people you'd expect to see there...people from roughly the same social circles that overlapped from time to time or had mingled at parties (or shown up to them) back in the day. There were the leadership crowed, the partiers, the "cool jocks" (because we most definitely had the uncool ones too), the ones that went to the dances and the football games and hung out in the front parking lot for lunch and after school. The ones that if my High School had been a movie...were the ones the movie would undoubtedly include as the semi cool kids, the ones you'd expect to go off to good colleges and join fraternities and sororities (and I'm pretty certain most of us did just that). The "ultra" cool kids who cut class and smoked cigarettes, the "mean girls," the "drama freaks," the "nerds," well most of them were mia this Friday night...minus a stray straggler here and there.
This is not to say everyone that was there that night had been part of the same circle because we were not, but generally speaking there were no huge surprise appearances, and no crazy "omg did you see so and so" moments. Yes. We all looked pretty much the same...if not better than we had back then. At least those of us who came, but back to the point. Sometime in the night I remember looking around and realizing how strange it was. I saw what I would have considered my group of friends at the photo booth, all getting ready to take photos and contemplated joining them because after all, wasn't I part of their group? And yet, I stopped, I hesitated, instead of running over and joining in on the fun I told myself no, they were better friends, I was just on the outskirts of that group, quiet and doubtful...and I watched them from afar take a set of group photos that I should have been in. So strange too, because looking back there is no way that I would have done anything but add to that photo, for those WERE my friends back then...yet I was momentarily frozen with the same insecurities that I had in high school. The fear of imposing where I was not welcome, where I may not belong in someone else's eyes...that same fear that kept me shy and quiet back then was again holding me back now. And I realized as I looked at my classmates...I was not alone. True some of them were off comfortably mingling with people they may not have been friends with back in the day, but most of them were sticking to those friends that they had been the closest too... reminiscing no doubt and reconnecting in some cases...but also staying where they felt most comfortable, back in those social cliques we all stuck to that helped us not feel so alone in those lost years of youth. By the end of the reunion everyone remaining had either made enough trips to the bar or come to the same realization that I had and begun to loose those old teenage inhibitions and return to their normal adult selves and that's when the fun really began. That's when you had conversations with people you never talked to before, when you approached your old crush to see who they were now, when you realized that you were missing out on some really awesome people, or that people you thought were awesome really didn't stack up. And yes, I'm most definitely referring to my own personal experience here.
But in the end, I guess what the moral of the story is, the entire reason for taking you my reader down this rabbit hole of memory lane with me...is that no matter how much we think we've changed, no matter how far we've come in our lives...we really are always who were back then. And I'm not just talking about High School, but at every point in our lives, the high moments, the lows, and everything in between. Yes people change, people grow, we are never the exact same person we were just moments before...but we never escape the past, for the past has made us what we are now. We should embrace it, not run from it, even if we think it did nothing but inhibit us. It should be a strength within us, not something we cover up and try to hide away.
I am the shy, quiet, horribly insecure girl I was then. But that is my strength, not my weakness. I am also a wonderful, confident, strong woman who is not afraid to go after her dreams...and stand here today before you and say...
I'm done running away from my past, done trying to forget things and mistakes I have made. Perhaps it's easy for me to say, I have not made any giant irreversible stumbles on my path to who I am now...but we all have had our moments. Regardless, we should not dwell on those times rather look how far we have come, look how much stronger, better, more amazing we are now. And if you cannot relate...then maybe it is time you looked at your past, and re-evaluated who you are now, who you think you are, and who you want to be.
All in all, I'm glad I went. It was a lot different than I had expected, though I'm not quite sure what it was that I thought I was going to be experiencing. I know for one thing though, it was a lot weirder than I had thought it would be, and yet still a lot of fun (granted the multiple trips to the bar to visit my friend Jamie and coke may have helped with that a bit). I do wish though, that more people had gone, that the people that hung out on the fringes of the student body had proudly walked into that room and been able to do what my friend did so well...and me, well, less well...been comfortable with who we are now, and shown those who we may have looked up to or shied away from, that we are and always were just as amazing as ever.
Be strong, be happy, be wonderful, be you.
Tuesday, November 22, 2011
Another year...another inspiration
So it's dead midnight on the Monday before thanksgiving and there's a lot of things swimming through my mind. Some of it old thoughts and ideas stuck swirling for weeks even months and some of it new, fresh, and bright. These new ideas, these new bursts of light seeping through the cracks of my muddled and cloudy conscious are the important ones, the ones that inspire me and motivate me to sit here before you on my father's computer in the wee hours of the morning almost a week into my much needed escape from the clutches of LA and all that it is. Yes, I'm home, where I grew up and where I will always feel the most at peace and I'm finally starting to feel refreshed, alive again. It only took five days. Seriously LA drains me more and more...and maybe it's not just LA, perhaps I'm only using the city as a scapegoat to blame my increasing unhappiness and restlessness on, but either way I'm so glad to be here, where the air is cleaner, the stars are brighter, and my struggles seem a million miles away...for now.
Also, it's the first time I've been able to sit down at a computer and write for a while now. Granted I could have used this computer any given day or night that I've been home but of course I had to wait for inspiration, that extra push, the urge to let my fingertips fly across the keyboard and the freedom to let my thoughts spill forth onto the screen. And I cannot tell you the joy it gives me now to sit down and write, I've been looking forward to this trip with greater anticipation than usual for this reason alone. You see, I don't know if I've told you before, but I am cursed. Electronics hate me and I don't say this lightly. Seriously, they do. It's a real big pain too, this been the age of technology and I fear it's only going to grow increasingly worse as the years go on. It's not my choice either as I pride myself on knowing how things work...and how to fix them when they break and it's much to my frustration that I find myself helpless when it comes to technological failure. And fail, they do. It's as inevitable, and unavoidable as catching a cold when the weather changes...or in my case, worse. Seriously, I get sick less often than my electronics fail me or short or just plain refuse to function properly for me. The best part is no one else can explain my constant and ridiculous bad luck with computers, phones, my wii remotes, stereos, pretty much anything of that nature. So why am I going on and on about this you may wonder? Well, I guess what it all comes down to in all relevance to this post is...I've been virtually computer less for about a month now, and let me tell you, that's an awful state to be in if you're me.
Have you tried going without your computer for a month? I dare you to try it even for a week. Seriously, pretend your computer refuses to work for you, takes forever (and ten tries) to load properly and then freezes ever time you click on an icon or open a window. To get to your e-mail it takes you 30 minutes, and just to read one another 10. Forget about trying to write, with that lag time you are lucky to get 3 sentences down in an hour, and if you make a typo you're screwed. Seem like a really bad nightmare? Well that was the hell I was living for the past 5 weeks! Lucky for me my phone didn't decide to poop out as well, so I was still semi connected to the world...but really, how much can you get done on a smart phone? I was so disconnected with the world and at a time of such change it couldn't have been worse. I all of a sudden found myself with more free time having finally quit my job at the bar and having taken this month off from classes at Playhouse West (a tough but in the end logical call seeing as I would be missing two weeks of class for this trip along with an additional class for a commercial I booked that I will write about later), but less social opportunities having been working so much before and so disconnected from everyone due to scheduling and now with no way other than a small two by four screen to reconnect with. This of course added to my unrest and unhappiness as I became a homebody due to circumstance created a very very unhappy me. But I'm not here to dive into my misery or the darkness I found myself entering, all I knew was that I was becoming a miserable person that even I didn't like being around, and that I needed a change.
So back to the present, it's three days before Thanksgiving and close to half way through my little vacay from life and I'm ready for a new positive outlook. I'm ready to be the me that is happy and optimistic and charming and fun to be around, the person that I should be for really, I have so much to be thankful for. It's kind of sad to thing that it is so easy to loose sight of all that we have going for us, that we need a specific holiday to remind us that our lives are good, that we are lucky in so many ways. I think about this a lot, even in my moments of the deepest self pity, when all I want to do is wallow around in my own unhappiness (don't judge, you know you have those moments too) I know that I'm being ridiculous. I know that I'm being stupid because there is so so much that is wonderful in my life, and I am ever grateful for all that is good all that I have regardless of how much self loathing I feel. Sounds confusing to you? Believe me it baffles me too.
I guess what I'm trying to say is that I want to take a moment to remember the great things in my life, the accomplishments I have achieved however small or large, and to put out there to the universe in black and white with you as my witness what it is I am going to achieve. The promises I make to myself.
Perhaps this new motivation is a product of my birthday having just passed, since every year I get older I make a new promise that this is the year I achieve greatness, achieve happiness. Perhaps it's due to my ten year reunion being this week and a subconscious alarm that is triggering some sort of fear that I'm wasting my life away and loosing my youth. Possibly it's that LA really has been draining the life from me or maybe it's my increasing notion of distaste for the city of dreams, this trip like a ray of sunlight cutting through the dark clouds that were hovering over me for the last month. Or maybe it simply seems the right thing to do with Thanksgiving on the horizon, either way this is what I'm thankful for...
The love of a family that although they may not like the decisions you make, support you till the end.
That I know I can always pick up the phone and call my mom when I need someone to talk to.
The amazing friends that will be there for me till the end, the ones that don't let me down.
The place in which I grew up, and how hard my parents worked and still work to be able to provide it to me.
My health, it truly astounds me sometimes how rarely I get sick (knock on wood!).
My logic...even if it is to a fault.
My morals and way in which I look at the world. I'm a thinker and I wouldn't know how else to be.
Being lucky enough to be of mixed race, we are the future :)
Being self sufficient, and independent.
My apartment, and the fact that I can provide myself a home that is truly mine.
My job, it may not be the most lucrative but it's a job, and I like it.
That I am chasing my dreams, no matter how rough the road may be at times.
That I have people that believe in me, sometimes even more than I believe in myself.
That I am a free thinker, in a nation that allows me to be so.
That I live on a coast...in California...where people are more open minded and the weather is nice.
That I've had a chance to see the world, even if it was only a small chance...for now.
That I'm never quite satisfied, always looking for ways to grow and improve and learn.
That there is food on my table, and that I have never known true hunger.
That I know no matter what happens, I will be ok.
The faith in the universe, and the knowledge that life is a gift.
That I'm alive, and that I have this adventure to live.
Of course there are so many more things that I have to be thankful for, the list can truly go on forever. Even things that we see as negatives can often be positives if seen from a different light, but at the end of the day we must simply be thankful for that day. For the gift of life, of waking up in the morning, of the world around us, of who we are and the people and things that have made us that way. We will never know the true meaning to life so what is the use of doing anything but living it to the best of our ability? And that's what I'm trying to do, I may stumble, I may fall along the way, but in the end I'll always get back up. I'll always find a new reason to be inspired, a new angle in which to turn things around...and I'm ready to fight for my life, for happiness, for the joy that this great adventure can bring...again.
Also, it's the first time I've been able to sit down at a computer and write for a while now. Granted I could have used this computer any given day or night that I've been home but of course I had to wait for inspiration, that extra push, the urge to let my fingertips fly across the keyboard and the freedom to let my thoughts spill forth onto the screen. And I cannot tell you the joy it gives me now to sit down and write, I've been looking forward to this trip with greater anticipation than usual for this reason alone. You see, I don't know if I've told you before, but I am cursed. Electronics hate me and I don't say this lightly. Seriously, they do. It's a real big pain too, this been the age of technology and I fear it's only going to grow increasingly worse as the years go on. It's not my choice either as I pride myself on knowing how things work...and how to fix them when they break and it's much to my frustration that I find myself helpless when it comes to technological failure. And fail, they do. It's as inevitable, and unavoidable as catching a cold when the weather changes...or in my case, worse. Seriously, I get sick less often than my electronics fail me or short or just plain refuse to function properly for me. The best part is no one else can explain my constant and ridiculous bad luck with computers, phones, my wii remotes, stereos, pretty much anything of that nature. So why am I going on and on about this you may wonder? Well, I guess what it all comes down to in all relevance to this post is...I've been virtually computer less for about a month now, and let me tell you, that's an awful state to be in if you're me.
Have you tried going without your computer for a month? I dare you to try it even for a week. Seriously, pretend your computer refuses to work for you, takes forever (and ten tries) to load properly and then freezes ever time you click on an icon or open a window. To get to your e-mail it takes you 30 minutes, and just to read one another 10. Forget about trying to write, with that lag time you are lucky to get 3 sentences down in an hour, and if you make a typo you're screwed. Seem like a really bad nightmare? Well that was the hell I was living for the past 5 weeks! Lucky for me my phone didn't decide to poop out as well, so I was still semi connected to the world...but really, how much can you get done on a smart phone? I was so disconnected with the world and at a time of such change it couldn't have been worse. I all of a sudden found myself with more free time having finally quit my job at the bar and having taken this month off from classes at Playhouse West (a tough but in the end logical call seeing as I would be missing two weeks of class for this trip along with an additional class for a commercial I booked that I will write about later), but less social opportunities having been working so much before and so disconnected from everyone due to scheduling and now with no way other than a small two by four screen to reconnect with. This of course added to my unrest and unhappiness as I became a homebody due to circumstance created a very very unhappy me. But I'm not here to dive into my misery or the darkness I found myself entering, all I knew was that I was becoming a miserable person that even I didn't like being around, and that I needed a change.
So back to the present, it's three days before Thanksgiving and close to half way through my little vacay from life and I'm ready for a new positive outlook. I'm ready to be the me that is happy and optimistic and charming and fun to be around, the person that I should be for really, I have so much to be thankful for. It's kind of sad to thing that it is so easy to loose sight of all that we have going for us, that we need a specific holiday to remind us that our lives are good, that we are lucky in so many ways. I think about this a lot, even in my moments of the deepest self pity, when all I want to do is wallow around in my own unhappiness (don't judge, you know you have those moments too) I know that I'm being ridiculous. I know that I'm being stupid because there is so so much that is wonderful in my life, and I am ever grateful for all that is good all that I have regardless of how much self loathing I feel. Sounds confusing to you? Believe me it baffles me too.
I guess what I'm trying to say is that I want to take a moment to remember the great things in my life, the accomplishments I have achieved however small or large, and to put out there to the universe in black and white with you as my witness what it is I am going to achieve. The promises I make to myself.
Perhaps this new motivation is a product of my birthday having just passed, since every year I get older I make a new promise that this is the year I achieve greatness, achieve happiness. Perhaps it's due to my ten year reunion being this week and a subconscious alarm that is triggering some sort of fear that I'm wasting my life away and loosing my youth. Possibly it's that LA really has been draining the life from me or maybe it's my increasing notion of distaste for the city of dreams, this trip like a ray of sunlight cutting through the dark clouds that were hovering over me for the last month. Or maybe it simply seems the right thing to do with Thanksgiving on the horizon, either way this is what I'm thankful for...
The love of a family that although they may not like the decisions you make, support you till the end.
That I know I can always pick up the phone and call my mom when I need someone to talk to.
The amazing friends that will be there for me till the end, the ones that don't let me down.
The place in which I grew up, and how hard my parents worked and still work to be able to provide it to me.
My health, it truly astounds me sometimes how rarely I get sick (knock on wood!).
My logic...even if it is to a fault.
My morals and way in which I look at the world. I'm a thinker and I wouldn't know how else to be.
Being lucky enough to be of mixed race, we are the future :)
Being self sufficient, and independent.
My apartment, and the fact that I can provide myself a home that is truly mine.
My job, it may not be the most lucrative but it's a job, and I like it.
That I am chasing my dreams, no matter how rough the road may be at times.
That I have people that believe in me, sometimes even more than I believe in myself.
That I am a free thinker, in a nation that allows me to be so.
That I live on a coast...in California...where people are more open minded and the weather is nice.
That I've had a chance to see the world, even if it was only a small chance...for now.
That I'm never quite satisfied, always looking for ways to grow and improve and learn.
That there is food on my table, and that I have never known true hunger.
That I know no matter what happens, I will be ok.
The faith in the universe, and the knowledge that life is a gift.
That I'm alive, and that I have this adventure to live.
Of course there are so many more things that I have to be thankful for, the list can truly go on forever. Even things that we see as negatives can often be positives if seen from a different light, but at the end of the day we must simply be thankful for that day. For the gift of life, of waking up in the morning, of the world around us, of who we are and the people and things that have made us that way. We will never know the true meaning to life so what is the use of doing anything but living it to the best of our ability? And that's what I'm trying to do, I may stumble, I may fall along the way, but in the end I'll always get back up. I'll always find a new reason to be inspired, a new angle in which to turn things around...and I'm ready to fight for my life, for happiness, for the joy that this great adventure can bring...again.
Tuesday, September 20, 2011
The struggle that makes us stronger...
They said this would happen, they said this time would come...and I don't fool myself into believing that this will be the only point on my journey where I feel defeated, lost, frustrated. The roads we choose to follow...the ones that mean something to us, the ones we feel passionate about...those are the ones that will cut us down, trip us up, make us doubt ourselves and our path and it is up to us and us alone to pick ourselves up, clean our scrapes and stand strong. We have two choices when things get rough...push on or give up. It is at those junctures, at those moments that we find out what is really important to us...and how stubborn or strong willed we are. Maybe it's a mistake, maybe it won't amount to anything...but on the slight chance that we do make it, that we do achieve the impossible, that we do make our dreams come true...well...is that worth it to you?
So here I stand, questioning myself, questioning if this is really the path to my happiness, if this is right for me...questions that I cannot hope to answer, that only time will tell. Everything in the past is 20/20...the future is a great unknown, like walking through a thick fog...we can only see what is right in front of us at the time, all the squinting and straining our eyes will not prove to clear the mist any more than charging right at it will...so might as well take that leap of faith. At least this is what I tell myself, I don't think I'm half as brave as I claim to be...all the motivational things I say and subscribe to, they are just as much to convince myself as they are to convince others. It will be ok. Things will turn out how they should. We will end up happy. Faith, faith in the unknown, faith in the journey, faith in yourself and the world. Say it enough and you'll believe it, right? That's how I've become who I am...that's how I conquered shyness, that's how I forgot about what others may think of me with their judging eyes and unkind words through school, that's how I get through each day...I have to believe, I have to hold onto that hope that my words are true. We are nothing without hope, without faith, and no, not the faith in heaven or hell or god or whatever it is you may believe...simply faith that one day we'll all be able to look back on our struggles, on our dark moments and know that it was all just part of the journey. The adventure. And it was not, all for nothing.
Strength, we must have strength to pull us through. We must shut out our doubts, our worries, our insecurities and stay strong. Some may call it pig-headed, I prefer stubborn. Stubborn isn't always a bad thing, as my parents would have had me believe growing up...and yes, I've been accused of being stubborn to a fault in my past, but if you can use that perseverance in a productive way...well...you can achieve the impossible. Thank goodness I'm a little stubborn, what doesn't kill me only makes me stronger. Criticism keeps me hungry...pushes me forward, no one likes to feel like they are failing, and loosing is not something I easily accept. I'm competitive to a fault, this I will admit. I've spent years avoiding activities that may result in defeat, playing it safe, never letting myself hope or strive for what it is I really want...for fear that the defeat will be too much. I wish I could loose gracefully, I wish I could stop that need to "win" to be good at everything because we all know that's impossible. Perfection is not achievable and we must learn to be satisfied with ourselves...yet never loose the drive to be better. It's a thin line we walk...and I'm learning how to fight again, to channel that competitiveness, that stubborn child I used to be, to have it be a positive and not the negative it once was.
Which brings us back to today, and the reason I'm writing this post. Well, today after class I cried. Not a long crazy world crashing down sort of cry...no. Not a self pitying break down, or a wounded feelings pouting cry either. No, that's not my style...and if you know me, you know crying is so not my thing. It was simply an accumulation of the growing frustration and aggravation that I've been dismissing week after week after being told over and over that my work was sub par. Of course, they don't say it in those exact words, and we are not supposed to take their criticism personally...even though they are tying to teach us to take everything else personally...but in the end that is what they are saying. And I'm not fighting them, I'm not denying that everything they are saying is not true...because quite honestly it is. I've been struggling, I've been frustrated with myself, annoyed that something so seemingly simple is proving to be so ridiculously hard. If I could only get it...if I could only bring in an activity that they approve of, that they like, then maybe I won't be told once again that my activity is not good...and perhaps then I can get feedback on what it is I'm there for...my acting, my truthfulness. Of course, I'm sure I'm going about it the wrong way. So afraid to fail again I'm focusing on pleasing the teacher instead of finding something that is truthful and meaningful to me, and each class, each week, I become more panicked more afraid that I'm starting to dread those early Tuesday and Friday mornings. So today, I gave in. I let go of the need to stay strong outwardly and let my emotions sweep over me, let the frustration and defeat in and the tears well up in my eyes and be ok with it. To cry, but just for a moment and only because I know that in that moment, when I questioned everything, when I wanted to simply give up, when I wished nothing more than to let go of my dream...that I wouldn't. That I would return again on Friday with a new activity ready for new criticism, that this was just one of many countless more times when I'd wish nothing more than to give up, to throw in the towel and take the safer more traveled road, just one time that I'd stumble hard and have to brush myself off...to ignore the scrapes and bruises and the temptation to turn around. I've come too far, and I'm far far too stubborn to let this deter me from what it is I want.
I simply must work harder. Stand stronger. Believe more diligently. Have more faith.
Sometimes I just want a hug and to be told it all will work out in the end, that it's ok...but sometimes no one is there, we cannot rely on others to always pick us up when we fall. We must learn to stand on our own two feet and achieve. To smile and remember that my life is wonderful...now I just have to make it what I want it to be.
So here I stand, questioning myself, questioning if this is really the path to my happiness, if this is right for me...questions that I cannot hope to answer, that only time will tell. Everything in the past is 20/20...the future is a great unknown, like walking through a thick fog...we can only see what is right in front of us at the time, all the squinting and straining our eyes will not prove to clear the mist any more than charging right at it will...so might as well take that leap of faith. At least this is what I tell myself, I don't think I'm half as brave as I claim to be...all the motivational things I say and subscribe to, they are just as much to convince myself as they are to convince others. It will be ok. Things will turn out how they should. We will end up happy. Faith, faith in the unknown, faith in the journey, faith in yourself and the world. Say it enough and you'll believe it, right? That's how I've become who I am...that's how I conquered shyness, that's how I forgot about what others may think of me with their judging eyes and unkind words through school, that's how I get through each day...I have to believe, I have to hold onto that hope that my words are true. We are nothing without hope, without faith, and no, not the faith in heaven or hell or god or whatever it is you may believe...simply faith that one day we'll all be able to look back on our struggles, on our dark moments and know that it was all just part of the journey. The adventure. And it was not, all for nothing.
Strength, we must have strength to pull us through. We must shut out our doubts, our worries, our insecurities and stay strong. Some may call it pig-headed, I prefer stubborn. Stubborn isn't always a bad thing, as my parents would have had me believe growing up...and yes, I've been accused of being stubborn to a fault in my past, but if you can use that perseverance in a productive way...well...you can achieve the impossible. Thank goodness I'm a little stubborn, what doesn't kill me only makes me stronger. Criticism keeps me hungry...pushes me forward, no one likes to feel like they are failing, and loosing is not something I easily accept. I'm competitive to a fault, this I will admit. I've spent years avoiding activities that may result in defeat, playing it safe, never letting myself hope or strive for what it is I really want...for fear that the defeat will be too much. I wish I could loose gracefully, I wish I could stop that need to "win" to be good at everything because we all know that's impossible. Perfection is not achievable and we must learn to be satisfied with ourselves...yet never loose the drive to be better. It's a thin line we walk...and I'm learning how to fight again, to channel that competitiveness, that stubborn child I used to be, to have it be a positive and not the negative it once was.
Which brings us back to today, and the reason I'm writing this post. Well, today after class I cried. Not a long crazy world crashing down sort of cry...no. Not a self pitying break down, or a wounded feelings pouting cry either. No, that's not my style...and if you know me, you know crying is so not my thing. It was simply an accumulation of the growing frustration and aggravation that I've been dismissing week after week after being told over and over that my work was sub par. Of course, they don't say it in those exact words, and we are not supposed to take their criticism personally...even though they are tying to teach us to take everything else personally...but in the end that is what they are saying. And I'm not fighting them, I'm not denying that everything they are saying is not true...because quite honestly it is. I've been struggling, I've been frustrated with myself, annoyed that something so seemingly simple is proving to be so ridiculously hard. If I could only get it...if I could only bring in an activity that they approve of, that they like, then maybe I won't be told once again that my activity is not good...and perhaps then I can get feedback on what it is I'm there for...my acting, my truthfulness. Of course, I'm sure I'm going about it the wrong way. So afraid to fail again I'm focusing on pleasing the teacher instead of finding something that is truthful and meaningful to me, and each class, each week, I become more panicked more afraid that I'm starting to dread those early Tuesday and Friday mornings. So today, I gave in. I let go of the need to stay strong outwardly and let my emotions sweep over me, let the frustration and defeat in and the tears well up in my eyes and be ok with it. To cry, but just for a moment and only because I know that in that moment, when I questioned everything, when I wanted to simply give up, when I wished nothing more than to let go of my dream...that I wouldn't. That I would return again on Friday with a new activity ready for new criticism, that this was just one of many countless more times when I'd wish nothing more than to give up, to throw in the towel and take the safer more traveled road, just one time that I'd stumble hard and have to brush myself off...to ignore the scrapes and bruises and the temptation to turn around. I've come too far, and I'm far far too stubborn to let this deter me from what it is I want.
I simply must work harder. Stand stronger. Believe more diligently. Have more faith.
Sometimes I just want a hug and to be told it all will work out in the end, that it's ok...but sometimes no one is there, we cannot rely on others to always pick us up when we fall. We must learn to stand on our own two feet and achieve. To smile and remember that my life is wonderful...now I just have to make it what I want it to be.
Friday, August 26, 2011
One step closer...fingers crossed!
So, this month has been nuts. I know I keep saying that but seriously I'm continuously shocked at how much crazier things can get when I already thought they were pretty crazy to begin with. I don't even know where to begin...this week alone has been one crazy ride. From getting away on the weekend which was a crazy and much needed vacation. It renewed my faith in people and life and love, it felt like a dream...everything was amazing and perfect and too good to be true. I left SB floating on a cloud but afraid to admit it for fear of the cloud giving way beneath my feet. I then had a crazy long night bonding and partying with co-workers and feeling like I was part of a group and loving it. I finally convinced myself to have faith that this cloud would not break...only to have it rain on my happiness a few days later leaving me broken and confused. Then last night the tides changed again and here I am...not sure whether to be happy, or cautious, or angry...sitting again waiting for my world to crash down or for the sun to break through...and yes...I am talking in code. Perhaps I'll care to expand at a later date...but since this blog is dedicated to my progress in the acting world here we go...
So I guess the most relevant topic to share with you today would be the phone call I received this morning. Short, sweet, and full of promise. I tell myself to not get my hopes up...it's simply the next step and I could never get that final phone call...but then again...I just might... "Hello Stephanie, this is Summer (my commercial agent). You've been put on avail for Southern California Edison so I just need to check the dates with you..." Avail. AVAIL! That means I might book it! That means I didn't bomb like I felt like (having had that previous emotional roller coaster ride I mentioned interfere with my concentration)! Yes, it doesn't mean I booked it yet...I could never get that final call telling me where to be and when, but it's a step closer than I have been before, and that, well, that's progress.
This is the first audition I've been sent out on in months, it's not a national spot and it's a 2 year buyout so I won't be receiving any residuals until after 2013 if at all, but it's still work...and that right there would be progress. So last Wednesday night I received a text alert telling me that I had been requested to audition the following day for Southern California Edison for the role of "Nurse." So of course I hopped online and confirmed...2:30 in Hollywood. Left training early, got over to the casting studio and was ready to claim this role. Heck, I can be a nurse...I'm ambiguously asian/hispanic/whatever and I can easily play friendly and helpful, it's the story of my life. In and out in 5 minutes and back in my car feeling good about the audition and of course wishing I played this or that more but still overall pretty satisfied. Then comes the weekend's madness and Tuesday I get a call...I've got a callback tomorrow in Santa Monica...2:30. Well good thing I didn't end up going on that Vegas trip after all, so on Wed I get up and get ready, leave class early and make my way to Santa Monica. Here's where I get a little messed up...and yes, you may have guessed it, it's about a guy. Isn't it always? This is why I told myself I don't need to worry about dating...or relationships...or anything of that sort, they are just distractions and cause unnecessary stress and pain when I cannot afford to have my concentration broken. But that's always easier said then done...but back to the story.
So I go into the callback trying so hard to forget anything that's going on in my life...to just concentrate, to do what I came to do. It looks like it's just me and one other girl up for the role, these are awesome odds...I just need to outshine. They call my name and it's come on Stephanie...concentrate...this is what you want, what you need, you deserve this role... I walk into the room and there's four people. Three seated and one who ushers me in and goes behind the monitor and camera on the right side. He pulls up a chair for me and a table to pretend is the pregnant lady (I'm giving their first ultrasound) while the other three converse with one another in Spanish...the topic? A salad. Yes, a salad. And here I am...standing or sitting rather, in front of them about to preform and they haven't even batted an eye or given me a second look, no hello no nothing. So then the guy behind the camera says ok...so it's the same thing as last time...slate, profiles, and start. So I do, feeling kinda detached and distant, forcing the actions and the smiles and thinking oh no, oh no...concentrate...and then it's over. The three on the couch nod and the girl on the right says "ok" and that's it...I stand, thank them...and before I know it I'm standing back out in the waiting room wondering what just happened, and kicking myself for being so removed from what was going on. Damn distractions. I try to brush it off...I mean you never know, they could have liked it, the other girl could do horribly, who knows...all I can do is let it go and wait.
And then I get the call today. After a long night at work, and a little pick me up from my blues...and a whole lot of randomness that I have only begun to process. Goes to show you really do never know, you may think you did great and never get a call...or you may think you did awful or at least not as good as you know you could have...and still make the cut. So now it's fingers crossed, it's time I book my first real paying gig...and with all that's going on in my life I feel like it would just make sense. I feel like my time is now, that I'm ready and that the universe is going to open up to me...and I hope that this cliff I'm slowly edging my way onto won't give way below me but rather support me and carry my on to greater heights. In life, in love, in entirety.
Hope, we must have hope...and faith. And we must learn to turn our backs on our fears, because sooner or later you must let go of that safety net and fly...even if it means we may fall.
So I guess the most relevant topic to share with you today would be the phone call I received this morning. Short, sweet, and full of promise. I tell myself to not get my hopes up...it's simply the next step and I could never get that final phone call...but then again...I just might... "Hello Stephanie, this is Summer (my commercial agent). You've been put on avail for Southern California Edison so I just need to check the dates with you..." Avail. AVAIL! That means I might book it! That means I didn't bomb like I felt like (having had that previous emotional roller coaster ride I mentioned interfere with my concentration)! Yes, it doesn't mean I booked it yet...I could never get that final call telling me where to be and when, but it's a step closer than I have been before, and that, well, that's progress.
This is the first audition I've been sent out on in months, it's not a national spot and it's a 2 year buyout so I won't be receiving any residuals until after 2013 if at all, but it's still work...and that right there would be progress. So last Wednesday night I received a text alert telling me that I had been requested to audition the following day for Southern California Edison for the role of "Nurse." So of course I hopped online and confirmed...2:30 in Hollywood. Left training early, got over to the casting studio and was ready to claim this role. Heck, I can be a nurse...I'm ambiguously asian/hispanic/whatever and I can easily play friendly and helpful, it's the story of my life. In and out in 5 minutes and back in my car feeling good about the audition and of course wishing I played this or that more but still overall pretty satisfied. Then comes the weekend's madness and Tuesday I get a call...I've got a callback tomorrow in Santa Monica...2:30. Well good thing I didn't end up going on that Vegas trip after all, so on Wed I get up and get ready, leave class early and make my way to Santa Monica. Here's where I get a little messed up...and yes, you may have guessed it, it's about a guy. Isn't it always? This is why I told myself I don't need to worry about dating...or relationships...or anything of that sort, they are just distractions and cause unnecessary stress and pain when I cannot afford to have my concentration broken. But that's always easier said then done...but back to the story.
So I go into the callback trying so hard to forget anything that's going on in my life...to just concentrate, to do what I came to do. It looks like it's just me and one other girl up for the role, these are awesome odds...I just need to outshine. They call my name and it's come on Stephanie...concentrate...this is what you want, what you need, you deserve this role... I walk into the room and there's four people. Three seated and one who ushers me in and goes behind the monitor and camera on the right side. He pulls up a chair for me and a table to pretend is the pregnant lady (I'm giving their first ultrasound) while the other three converse with one another in Spanish...the topic? A salad. Yes, a salad. And here I am...standing or sitting rather, in front of them about to preform and they haven't even batted an eye or given me a second look, no hello no nothing. So then the guy behind the camera says ok...so it's the same thing as last time...slate, profiles, and start. So I do, feeling kinda detached and distant, forcing the actions and the smiles and thinking oh no, oh no...concentrate...and then it's over. The three on the couch nod and the girl on the right says "ok" and that's it...I stand, thank them...and before I know it I'm standing back out in the waiting room wondering what just happened, and kicking myself for being so removed from what was going on. Damn distractions. I try to brush it off...I mean you never know, they could have liked it, the other girl could do horribly, who knows...all I can do is let it go and wait.
And then I get the call today. After a long night at work, and a little pick me up from my blues...and a whole lot of randomness that I have only begun to process. Goes to show you really do never know, you may think you did great and never get a call...or you may think you did awful or at least not as good as you know you could have...and still make the cut. So now it's fingers crossed, it's time I book my first real paying gig...and with all that's going on in my life I feel like it would just make sense. I feel like my time is now, that I'm ready and that the universe is going to open up to me...and I hope that this cliff I'm slowly edging my way onto won't give way below me but rather support me and carry my on to greater heights. In life, in love, in entirety.
Hope, we must have hope...and faith. And we must learn to turn our backs on our fears, because sooner or later you must let go of that safety net and fly...even if it means we may fall.
Monday, August 15, 2011
Pressing pause...
So I guess we're about due for a new post and my, how quickly things change. Last time I wrote about being inspired, feeling motivated, achieving your dreams and not letting anything or anyone get in the way. Well, not even a month later and how the tables have turned. That's just like life though, and we must learn to roll with the punches and enjoy the crazy ride for in the end, there's really no use fighting it.
I'm not saying that I've lost that drive or motivation or belief in myself and my "destiny," no, not at all...I'm just saying that sometimes life has a different plan for us and we have to let go and let the current take us downstream. In the end we will eventually end up in the ocean, but how we get there is not always determined by us. So July has come and gone and silly me to think August would be less hectic and allow me to concentrate on my goals and joys, for I have quickly found that not to be the case. If anything, August is crazier than July, not by choice but by obligation. My wants are superseded by my needs; mainly my need to survive.
At Playhouse west our teachers love telling us the story of James Franco...the golden boy of PW. I love James Franco, I think he is brilliant and talented and definitely one of the great actors of my generation not to mention super hot. I've loved him for a while and his work just seems to get better and better, he truly is an artist, and I am clearly not alone in my admiration. Needless to say, if you ever take a class at Playhouse West you will undoubtedly hear his name over and over and over until quite frankly, you are a little sick of hearing it. But that is not what I'm getting at, and not what I want you to take from this tangent. James has not gotten to where he is by luck, or by chance, he is and was dedicated to his craft, his work, his dream. I don't know how many times I've heard the story of how for a time he lived in his car while dedicating all his time to rehearsing and class and acting and projects with his fellow students and how that is the very dedication that is required to achieve what he has. While I admire James and his drive and his hardship and sacrifices, I have too strong a sense of obligation and responsibility to support myself to ever allow myself to fall on such hardships. Don't get me wrong, I am in no way disparaging those who find themselves homeless or down on their luck, I do not know their story of how they got there and I am almost positive it was not by choice, all I am trying to say is that I was raised to always take care of your basic needs first. Shelter, food, pay your bills on time, don't live outside your means. Life humble and work hard and once you find stability then you can indulge in the rest, in what you love.
So August finds me regrettably dedicating my time and energy not to class, rehearsals, and showcases like July, but to work. Work and obligations, responsibilities, and putting the ducks in a row. I fought with myself the first Tuesday of the month, up and dressed, ready for class at 8:30am still a little exhausted from Vegas the weekend before (the batchelorette party) and knowing that the month ahead would not allow me the time necessary to be a dedicated student or even attend class regularly. I had just started training at a new job since my current one was undergoing drastic policy changes and with them it seemed soon I would not be able to support myself and my class tuition. So here I was, forced to look elsewhere for the means to my end and juggling my current shifts while trying to show my new job that I was just as serious about them as my new currently jobless colleges were. I wanted so badly to continue my classes and dedication to moving forward with my dreams as well, but it just didn't seem plausible...or smart to try to juggle this new commitment along with all that I was already doing. Plus, since it was new restaurant their training schedule was not set in stone I was never sure when I would be expected to there at the drop of a hat, many times interfering with class time. I attempted once or twice to do both, go to class and then make it to training but since class and the job were on opposite sides of LA, I was consistently late, racing all over town to make it to class, training, and often work.
As I sat there in my apartment watching the minutes roll by debating whether or not to get into my car and to the first class of the new month, fighting with myself and trying to find any way in my mind that I could continue all my classes and both work schedules I finally resigned the fact that responsibility outweighs passion. It just did not seem reasonable or even possible, so finally I made the hard decision that something had to give. It couldn't be work because I need to support myself, it couldn't be training and the new job because without it class is not an option, I had already decided to take another break from the theater company, and I couldn't take a month off of Grey's or I'd be ineligible again for the next showcase and deprive myself of the chance to preform in front of industry individuals and possibly my future representation, so that left only one option. Playhouse West. Playhouse being the greater time commitment with the twice weekly classes and outside rehearsals and reading lists (all the books having just ordered and been delivered to my doorstep just days before), all of which I loved and wanted to truly dedicate my time to. I knew I'd be cheating myself and my classmates if I half-assed it; if I simply showed up to class tired and drained and was a warm body but nothing more. I would not get anything out of it and neither would my peers who were chosen to work with me. Not to mention my fierce pride and competitive nature. If I'm to do something I am adamant on doing it right, and I knew I couldn't honestly tell myself I would be able to.
So here I am...half way through the month with finally a moment to spare to open my soul to the world and I am no closer to finding that balance needed to invest my time back into what it is I love and miss. I sometimes wish I could be so free to live out of my car like James...but then I realize that above all, I must survive, and the only way I know how is this way. You work hard, you make sacrifices, and you will in time, succeed. I may be juggling two jobs, I may have stopped auditioning, I may have had to stop going to class but this is not the end, this is not over, I have simply pressed pause on the soundtrack of my dreams, the last note suspended in time and space, hanging, waiting until it is once again clear for the needle to drop and the music to begin again as if nothing ever changed. And I too am waiting, hanging, going through the motions and living the moments not for what I want but what I need. Everything else is secondary, I work, I sleep, I eat, I make social appointments with only those who mean the most to me simply to keep myself sane, and I hope for that day to come soon when I can once again simply work to support my dream, not make my work my life.
I'm not saying that I've lost that drive or motivation or belief in myself and my "destiny," no, not at all...I'm just saying that sometimes life has a different plan for us and we have to let go and let the current take us downstream. In the end we will eventually end up in the ocean, but how we get there is not always determined by us. So July has come and gone and silly me to think August would be less hectic and allow me to concentrate on my goals and joys, for I have quickly found that not to be the case. If anything, August is crazier than July, not by choice but by obligation. My wants are superseded by my needs; mainly my need to survive.
At Playhouse west our teachers love telling us the story of James Franco...the golden boy of PW. I love James Franco, I think he is brilliant and talented and definitely one of the great actors of my generation not to mention super hot. I've loved him for a while and his work just seems to get better and better, he truly is an artist, and I am clearly not alone in my admiration. Needless to say, if you ever take a class at Playhouse West you will undoubtedly hear his name over and over and over until quite frankly, you are a little sick of hearing it. But that is not what I'm getting at, and not what I want you to take from this tangent. James has not gotten to where he is by luck, or by chance, he is and was dedicated to his craft, his work, his dream. I don't know how many times I've heard the story of how for a time he lived in his car while dedicating all his time to rehearsing and class and acting and projects with his fellow students and how that is the very dedication that is required to achieve what he has. While I admire James and his drive and his hardship and sacrifices, I have too strong a sense of obligation and responsibility to support myself to ever allow myself to fall on such hardships. Don't get me wrong, I am in no way disparaging those who find themselves homeless or down on their luck, I do not know their story of how they got there and I am almost positive it was not by choice, all I am trying to say is that I was raised to always take care of your basic needs first. Shelter, food, pay your bills on time, don't live outside your means. Life humble and work hard and once you find stability then you can indulge in the rest, in what you love.
So August finds me regrettably dedicating my time and energy not to class, rehearsals, and showcases like July, but to work. Work and obligations, responsibilities, and putting the ducks in a row. I fought with myself the first Tuesday of the month, up and dressed, ready for class at 8:30am still a little exhausted from Vegas the weekend before (the batchelorette party) and knowing that the month ahead would not allow me the time necessary to be a dedicated student or even attend class regularly. I had just started training at a new job since my current one was undergoing drastic policy changes and with them it seemed soon I would not be able to support myself and my class tuition. So here I was, forced to look elsewhere for the means to my end and juggling my current shifts while trying to show my new job that I was just as serious about them as my new currently jobless colleges were. I wanted so badly to continue my classes and dedication to moving forward with my dreams as well, but it just didn't seem plausible...or smart to try to juggle this new commitment along with all that I was already doing. Plus, since it was new restaurant their training schedule was not set in stone I was never sure when I would be expected to there at the drop of a hat, many times interfering with class time. I attempted once or twice to do both, go to class and then make it to training but since class and the job were on opposite sides of LA, I was consistently late, racing all over town to make it to class, training, and often work.
As I sat there in my apartment watching the minutes roll by debating whether or not to get into my car and to the first class of the new month, fighting with myself and trying to find any way in my mind that I could continue all my classes and both work schedules I finally resigned the fact that responsibility outweighs passion. It just did not seem reasonable or even possible, so finally I made the hard decision that something had to give. It couldn't be work because I need to support myself, it couldn't be training and the new job because without it class is not an option, I had already decided to take another break from the theater company, and I couldn't take a month off of Grey's or I'd be ineligible again for the next showcase and deprive myself of the chance to preform in front of industry individuals and possibly my future representation, so that left only one option. Playhouse West. Playhouse being the greater time commitment with the twice weekly classes and outside rehearsals and reading lists (all the books having just ordered and been delivered to my doorstep just days before), all of which I loved and wanted to truly dedicate my time to. I knew I'd be cheating myself and my classmates if I half-assed it; if I simply showed up to class tired and drained and was a warm body but nothing more. I would not get anything out of it and neither would my peers who were chosen to work with me. Not to mention my fierce pride and competitive nature. If I'm to do something I am adamant on doing it right, and I knew I couldn't honestly tell myself I would be able to.
So here I am...half way through the month with finally a moment to spare to open my soul to the world and I am no closer to finding that balance needed to invest my time back into what it is I love and miss. I sometimes wish I could be so free to live out of my car like James...but then I realize that above all, I must survive, and the only way I know how is this way. You work hard, you make sacrifices, and you will in time, succeed. I may be juggling two jobs, I may have stopped auditioning, I may have had to stop going to class but this is not the end, this is not over, I have simply pressed pause on the soundtrack of my dreams, the last note suspended in time and space, hanging, waiting until it is once again clear for the needle to drop and the music to begin again as if nothing ever changed. And I too am waiting, hanging, going through the motions and living the moments not for what I want but what I need. Everything else is secondary, I work, I sleep, I eat, I make social appointments with only those who mean the most to me simply to keep myself sane, and I hope for that day to come soon when I can once again simply work to support my dream, not make my work my life.
Thursday, July 21, 2011
Destined for greatness...
I don't have cable, or any type of television service for that matter...too expensive and too distracting. But what I do have is internet, hulu, and a netflix password all of which are just as, if not more, distracting. Go figure. Streaming TV shows are my guilty pleasure, they provide hours of mindless entertainment, when one episode is done you simply click next to see the next. No waiting a week, no commercial breaks...extremely dangerous. So much so that I've been quite rapidly depleting the number of quality series available at the touch of a mouse, it's a little depressing but entirely irrelevant to the topic at hand, so let's begin...
Lately I'm on a historical fiction kick. I was always a sucker for castles, kingdoms, and the medieval time period. Growing up I was obsessed with Ireland. I'd spend countless hours in my room or on the hill across the street dreaming up elaborate fantasy worlds with thick accents and rich histories of birthrights, valiance, and romance. So, it's no surprise that once I ran out of Dexter seasons, The Office, and HIMYM, I turned to shows of that nature. Granted they may not be the most well written or witty shows out there but there is something that can be taken from them, something that dawned on me recently and has had a profound effect on me since. It's not a new idea or revelation -- you've surely heard it before -- but it is no less groundbreaking and powerful when you come to realize it yourself. I got to thinking about the shows I've been watching and the impossible feats and obstacles that the protagonists are faced with and overcome and it hit me. The characters in these shows cannot loose, they cannot fail, against all odds they must succeed, there is no option of failure. If they fail they loose everything, including their lives for it is their destiny to achieve greatness and to fail your destiny is to fail much more than just yourself.
Never once is it said that their destiny is a sure thing, never once does it say the future is unchangeable, they still must fight for it, suffer for it, struggle and face these seemingly impossible obstacles, they must give their all, their sweat, their tears, their every hope and dream, and many times they come so close to loosing, to dying, to failing, but they never ever give up. And why? Because they have the knowledge that they were meant for this, that they have a higher calling, that failure is NOT an option. It is their destiny to be the King, to unite the land, to be the greatest sorcerer of all time. It doesn't matter what it is, what matters is that they must fulfill it, no questions asked, no if and or buts.
But what if our lives were like that? What if we were told we were destined for greatness and we actually believed it? What if failure, although always a possibility, was not an option because our destiny awaited? What would we do differently? What would change?
We are always told as children we can be whatever we want; we can change the world...but what if instead we were told we will change the world, that it is written in the histories of man, written in the stars; that we are the stuff of legends and that we must now go out there and become that person that it is said we will be? Can you imagine how differently we would act if we knew for certain or truly believed that we would achieve our dreams, that we must? So many of us want things, want to be better, want to be smarter, want to be more than we are...but what if these wants were not simply things we longed for but things imperative to fulfilling our true purpose? We would not put them off, we would not say "well I didn't get to the gym today, there's always tomorrow," no. We would wake up and say "today I must go, today I must achieve" for destiny cannot wait. That's the problem with dreams, we put them off for too long. Tomorrow becomes next week, next week becomes next month, next month becomes next year, and before we know it our dreams become things of the past, things we always wanted to do but never got around to. So why not make our dreams our destiny? It is always said we create our own destiny's so why not believe in them? Why not convince ourselves that we too are destined for greatness?
And what if we are? What if we simply didn't realize it before? What if I am destined to be one of the great artists of my time...I just haven't realized it till now? There is no room for questions in the end, there is no room for the what if, there is only the is and am.
So today I make my dream my destiny. I do not hope to be a great actor, I do not wish to be more diligent, more driven, I do not try to be motivated. My motivation is a given, there is no option to be less driven, less diligent for it is my destiny to be a great actor of my time. All those who have come before me and who have achieved greatness, they have not done it by dreaming, by hoping, they have done it because they believed that failure was not an option. They believed that they were destined for greatness and they went out there and they took what was theirs. Last week I cried. I cried because I realized the life I once had, the life I once wanted, the life that I grew up with was so far from the one that I have now, and I wanted both. I wanted to achieve that past life again but through the one I was living now...and man, looking at the big picture and seeing how far I have to reach before I have the ability or the option to combine both lives...well, it's overwhelming. But through the tears comes clarity and I have found it at last. All that motivation I've written about, all that struggling to find drive and hold onto it. All that uncertainty in myself and my choices...it's all gone. It's all different now. I must push forward because this is what I'm meant to do, this is who I'm meat to be. All it took was me realizing and believing.
Lately I'm on a historical fiction kick. I was always a sucker for castles, kingdoms, and the medieval time period. Growing up I was obsessed with Ireland. I'd spend countless hours in my room or on the hill across the street dreaming up elaborate fantasy worlds with thick accents and rich histories of birthrights, valiance, and romance. So, it's no surprise that once I ran out of Dexter seasons, The Office, and HIMYM, I turned to shows of that nature. Granted they may not be the most well written or witty shows out there but there is something that can be taken from them, something that dawned on me recently and has had a profound effect on me since. It's not a new idea or revelation -- you've surely heard it before -- but it is no less groundbreaking and powerful when you come to realize it yourself. I got to thinking about the shows I've been watching and the impossible feats and obstacles that the protagonists are faced with and overcome and it hit me. The characters in these shows cannot loose, they cannot fail, against all odds they must succeed, there is no option of failure. If they fail they loose everything, including their lives for it is their destiny to achieve greatness and to fail your destiny is to fail much more than just yourself.
Never once is it said that their destiny is a sure thing, never once does it say the future is unchangeable, they still must fight for it, suffer for it, struggle and face these seemingly impossible obstacles, they must give their all, their sweat, their tears, their every hope and dream, and many times they come so close to loosing, to dying, to failing, but they never ever give up. And why? Because they have the knowledge that they were meant for this, that they have a higher calling, that failure is NOT an option. It is their destiny to be the King, to unite the land, to be the greatest sorcerer of all time. It doesn't matter what it is, what matters is that they must fulfill it, no questions asked, no if and or buts.
But what if our lives were like that? What if we were told we were destined for greatness and we actually believed it? What if failure, although always a possibility, was not an option because our destiny awaited? What would we do differently? What would change?
We are always told as children we can be whatever we want; we can change the world...but what if instead we were told we will change the world, that it is written in the histories of man, written in the stars; that we are the stuff of legends and that we must now go out there and become that person that it is said we will be? Can you imagine how differently we would act if we knew for certain or truly believed that we would achieve our dreams, that we must? So many of us want things, want to be better, want to be smarter, want to be more than we are...but what if these wants were not simply things we longed for but things imperative to fulfilling our true purpose? We would not put them off, we would not say "well I didn't get to the gym today, there's always tomorrow," no. We would wake up and say "today I must go, today I must achieve" for destiny cannot wait. That's the problem with dreams, we put them off for too long. Tomorrow becomes next week, next week becomes next month, next month becomes next year, and before we know it our dreams become things of the past, things we always wanted to do but never got around to. So why not make our dreams our destiny? It is always said we create our own destiny's so why not believe in them? Why not convince ourselves that we too are destined for greatness?
And what if we are? What if we simply didn't realize it before? What if I am destined to be one of the great artists of my time...I just haven't realized it till now? There is no room for questions in the end, there is no room for the what if, there is only the is and am.
So today I make my dream my destiny. I do not hope to be a great actor, I do not wish to be more diligent, more driven, I do not try to be motivated. My motivation is a given, there is no option to be less driven, less diligent for it is my destiny to be a great actor of my time. All those who have come before me and who have achieved greatness, they have not done it by dreaming, by hoping, they have done it because they believed that failure was not an option. They believed that they were destined for greatness and they went out there and they took what was theirs. Last week I cried. I cried because I realized the life I once had, the life I once wanted, the life that I grew up with was so far from the one that I have now, and I wanted both. I wanted to achieve that past life again but through the one I was living now...and man, looking at the big picture and seeing how far I have to reach before I have the ability or the option to combine both lives...well, it's overwhelming. But through the tears comes clarity and I have found it at last. All that motivation I've written about, all that struggling to find drive and hold onto it. All that uncertainty in myself and my choices...it's all gone. It's all different now. I must push forward because this is what I'm meant to do, this is who I'm meat to be. All it took was me realizing and believing.
I am destined for greatness, it is my destiny to be one of the greatest actors of my time, and I will achieve, I will succeed. I must.
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