Reflections in the water

I imagine my life to be a journey, a path, with many twists turns and crossings which have all lead me to the here and now with the future trail yet to be blazed in front of me.  It's an exciting journey full of laughter, love, and pain, and today I'm feeling a little bit nostalgic and thankful, and hopeful, and full of awe...so what better time to sit down in front of the keyboard which I often now neglect and see if I haven't lost my knack at capturing the moments to which a single specific emotion cannot be pinned due to the wondrous jumble of things flying around in my heart and mind.  If I loose you in my ramblings...I apologize ahead of time, it's not my intent to do so but here it goes...

If this moment --this week -- was a point on my metaphorical path of life I'd be standing on a bridge that spans two banks.  I'd imagine it's a walking bridge since my path is not meant for cars and trucks...an arched bridge like the ones in impressionist paintings.  Wooden, sturdy and beautiful in it's simplicity.  The water rushing fast below over rocks and swirling in small whirlpools, and here I stand, at the highest point in the arch, the exact middle of the span looking down leaning on the railing at the beauty of the tumultuous waters below.  From this point I  have a great view of the sun setting behind me, spraying her evening rays across the lands traveled...I can see my path at the horizon, see the ghosts of my childhood running along in the setting rays, the twists, and turns my trail takes away from the fading memories of my mom with the late 80's perm, my baby brother dressing up in drag to play "Jenny" with the 8 year old me, I see the hills which seemed like mountains...ridding my bike to school with that clarinet strapped to the back, passing notes in social studies, middle school dances and my first crushes.  I see the high school version of me...quiet and insecure, acting like she had it all figured out...my first boyfriend and his crooked smile.  I see the college me, the parties, the long days on campus, the sisters, the summers, the sorority house, Phil, Eric, the fraternity formals, the trips, Monday meetings, IFC sports.  I see the people who meant so much to me, the ones who I couldn't imagine my life without, the years and the changing faces like a flip-book.  I see the landscape of my friendships change, I see myself change.  I see turmoil and pain, moments when I thought I couldn't hurt any more, when I couldn't cry any more, when I couldn't love any more but was too afraid to admit it out loud.  I see college end, I see myself getting on the plane to Spain, I see hot long nights followed by hot long days, adventure, discovery, fear.  I see distractions, I see Martin and Osa those wooden doors with the blue stripe and my first real job, I see Kiramas and dancing all night having the time of my life, I see South Coast Plaza, Taco Tuedays at the Cave, I see confusion, I see me loosing myself not wanting to loose him and realizing I lost both, I see Virginia, I see DC, Arlington, I see a new path in my mind...a new direction.  I see it all in the warm orange glow of the setting sun.  I see that path fade, the true path take a sharp turn, I see long hours and late nights out, I see independence, see me finding myself again, loving myself again.  I can't help but smile at that long road that stretches behind me...letting the nostalgia wash over me and warm my face and soul like the summer sun.  I look down...closer to the the edge of the bank from which I have just come...I see the immediate past more clearly and with less haze, almost as if the evening has fallen yet it is not dark.  I see myself clearer, and those who share my road hold less weight.  I'm in focus now, I guess that's how we look back on things, the more time and space between what it is we are remembering the more removed we are from it and the more we remember the others who took part.  I clearly remember those last few steps up to this bridge, this moment.  The fear, the hesitation, the contemplation...the bridge had been clearly in view for some time, but now that I was almost there...did I really want to cross the river?  Was I ready to leave this bank behind and with it all the possibilities?  Was I ready to face the shadows that in my mind lurked on the other side?  Did I want to jump off this path, off this bank, and let the rushing waters sweep me down the river to a new path?  If I crossed would I regret it and not be able to come back?  Was I supposed to cross?

I remember thinking this bridge didn't look right, it wasn't the bridge I had in mind, wasn't picturesque, wasn't perfect.  I grew up imagining that my future would be full of bridges covered in blooming vines bridges that you'd run towards filled with awe from their beauty and perfection, a bridge that you'd not think twice about sprinting across with a giant smile because what must lie on the other side had to be even more spectacular to merit such a gorgeous entrance.  Of course, through the twists, turns, potholes, and boulders strewn across my dusty and rough trail called life I realized that nothing is the way you imagined it would be, but old habits die hard, and this bridge was not my fantasy bridge.  In fact it's a little rough looking, unpolished, unfinished, plain.  Thrown up for functionality more than beauty, and it's mine.  It's exactly as it's supposed to be, and it's perfect in its imperfection.  Some people are not supposed to have rose covered bridges, and I am one of those...for all the paths that included them I have successfully avoided to choose this one.  And once I let go of my fear and took that first step off solid ground and onto the bridge all those doubts melted off.

And here I am...half way across the bridge and the sun is rising in front of me, spraying it's golden rays of possibility to the path ahead, filling me full of hope and excitement for the future.  Who knows where my path my lead, but there's one thing I know for sure, whatever twists and turns and other rivers it crosses there's no going backwards.  Just forwards.  And these moments spent upon this wooden bridge...they are moments when the past and the future collide.  When I get to look back and smile, remembering all the people and experiences that have led me here, and to be thankful for every single one of them.

Life is full of little blessings.  Next week I'll be stepping off this bridge into new uncharted lands, but I'll still be me, and my path will still wind on and forward as it always has.  And I'm a little afraid and excited as I watch the man I share my "now" with arranging his clothes in my newly cleared out closet surrounded by the years of memories wising up into the air from the objects they're attached to now scattered across the living room floor waiting for their new homes in storage or the donation bin or to be tucked away into another corner of ...my...our place.

Repetition

We are creatures of habit.  This is a well known fact.  We are also completely obsessed with "different," which is quite a contradiction if you really think about it.  Seriously, think about it.  We want to look different, to act different, to be different, to have a different lifestyle, to have a different level of income, a different job, a different family, a different life...you disagree?  Well what if for a moment we replace "different" with "better," agree with me yet?

I've often thought about (and I'm pretty sure I've written about) the overall culture of dissatisfaction I feel we live in, where we are trapped in this never ending cycle to discredit all that is good in our lives by focusing on the "bad" or the things we wish were... "different."  The endless quest to "start over" and "wipe the slate clean" to self improve and obsess over the things in our lives that we feel dissatisfied about, often forgetting all that we do have to be thankful for.  This culture which I am completely and irretrievably guilty of constantly buying into or being sucked back into as I believe many of my fellow peers are.  Which brings me to my next point...as much as we crave change...we are also slaves to our patterns.  So instead of buck this system which will always find a way to prevail...and instead of saying "I refuse to put down or make resolutions this new year because I never follow through" I will unarguably concede to the pattern at hand and dedicate yet another entry in this poorly kept blog to nothing other than my favorite subject.

THINGS I WISH TO IMPROVE ON THIS YEAR  ..aka my 2014 new years resolutions.

1.  Have an unexpected adventure at least once a week.

        - Do something different, out of routine, something fun.  Spontaneity is--after all--the spice of life.

2.  See a friend I haven't seen in ages at least once a month.

        - Reconnect with people who life just wouldn't have been the same without back in the day...because why should life be lived without them now?

3.  Work less, live more.

        - A job is a means to an end, it pays the bills but it does not nourish the soul.  Our time is limited, and worth more than $$.  No working 7 days a week allowed this year.   No more excuses, no more "...well...once I finish this week." (Even though I said that last week...lol)

4.  Get those creative juices flowing.

        - I call myself an artist...yet I do no art.  Dance, write, act, get lost in the craft store.  Take classes and get books, create something beautiful.  Re-awaken that passion, get excited again!

5.  Go outside EVERY day.

        - Sounds simple right?  Time to take more hikes, go camping, buy a bike...or simply take a stroll down the street.  Anything to get out of the apt (and the drive too and from work does not count).

6.  Be vain.

        - Take a little extra time in the morning, put together an outfit, fix your hair, use those accessories because god knows I've got a ton of them.  Youth is fleeting and before long it'll be gone.  As it is I'm living on borrowed time.

7.  Spread love.

        - Don't let this city get to you.  Wipe that jadedness from your shoulders and polish that smile.  Say hello to people, let your energy find theirs and brighten everyone's day.  Joy is created and sharing it just helps it to grow within yourself and the world around you. 

8.  Read more.

        - Books...remember them?  You used to loooove them.  So what happened?

9.  Hording Prevention Plan or HPP

        - Yes, we all can guess what this one's about.  It's time to seriously let go of some things in my apartment that I've had for far too long.  Less clutter = freed up life (or at least that's what I keep telling myself)

10.  GET STARTED!

        - Procrastination and laziness are my biggest enemies...and I always let them win.  Why?  Get up and do something!  You're happier when you are productive yet you let yourself lay around and do nothing all too often.  There's nothing wrong with a day of rest...but not when it turns into a vicious cycle of a day...a week...a month....a year...a lifetime??

So there you have it.  My "goals" for this year.  The things I GET to do, and hell...I don't know about you but most those things sound pretty awesome to me, who wouldn't want to have resolutions like this?

It's funny to me how life can be exactly the same as it ever was and vastly different than it's ever been all at the same time.  Let's make this year a new year of wonderful experiences and new starts, and life.  Lots and lots of life.  :)

Excuses

I live an existence full of excuses.  That is my life.  I've created it that way, and have lived it that way for as long as I have been in charge of it.  There's an excuse for everything, for why I work so much, for why my apartment is a constant mess, for why I am not making progress in my career, and a lot of times I create an escape.  I focus on something to distract me from facing myself and really taking myself on.

And if I've learned anything...it's that we all must take ourselves on sooner or later.

We are the creators of everything, and everything is perfect.  Especially when what we've created is the perfect opportunity for us to stop and really look at what reality we're living in...and I that time for me is now.

I am not happy, and that is all my own doing.  I have not truly been happy for quite some time.  This realization today...and this admittance of my true state of being hurts, even though I know I've known it for a while.  It forces me to really look inside and see why I'm playing this game of avoidance that I've become all too good at, for after all, we're always winning the game we're playing.  So this here plain and simple is the game I've been playing.

I avoid success and failure at the same time, unsure of which scares me more.  I avoid really putting myself out there in the career I've chosen by being a workaholic at a job that is supposed to afford me the time and flexibility to pursue said career. I justify it by living in a conversation of scarcity, one that no longer rings true yet that I've held onto so tightly for so long it's hard to let go of.  Plus, it serves it's purpose in this mad downward spiral called my adult life.  Being a workaholic gives me excuse to be lazy and to live is a space of constant disarray due to my "lack of time" or constant "tiredness" from working so much...and going out to drinks post work to blow off the steam and stress created from work doesn't help this either.  And if that was not enough, when I do have free time I no longer use it in a productive way such as taking class or shooting, rather I spend it further avoiding the root of the problem by wasting it watching shows on the internet and when I had someone to give my time to...I gave him all of it.  It was easier to distract me from my life than to actually live it, to do what I ultimately always knew I'd have to, to take myself and my life on.

And man, am I ever good at that game.

I truly believe we are the creators of everything that shows up in our lives, and whether we want to admit it or not the universe eventually hands us what we need; what it is we're truly authentically asking for and it's rarely pretty.  Clearly what I've been asking for is a mirror.  A mirror that cuts through all my bullshit, cuts through all my excuses, all my weak alibis that even I knew were weak, one which I can no longer avoid, for avoidance would only perpetuate the pattern.

None of what I'm telling you is news to me, so why am I sitting here telling you what I already knew?  Well the first step in any recovery is always admittance.  Admitting you have a problem, ending the denial that the ego has tried to cling onto for too long, and the first step to achieving a goal is declaration.  So I guess in a way this is my first step on the road of recovery (or just another on a very long pathway if you've read any of my older posts, you decide).  My goal being getting my life on track...actually living the life I say I want instead of making excuses and just saying I want it.  I get to create it, not wish it into creation.  I have spent too long not being the vibrant person I was put on this planet to be, I've spent too long avoiding and making excuses.  It never feels good to hear what you don't want to hear...to realize that someone can see right through you and pinpoint the weaknesses you yourself were trying to pretend weren't there.  But at the same time, I guess in a way I was just waiting for someone to be brave enough to hold up that mirror and make me look at it.  To really see what I already knew, to not allow me continue my game of avoidance, so thank you for that.

Faith.  It's knowing the universe never makes a mistake.  It's giving me exactly what it is I've been asking for, and I can no longer pretend I couldn't see.

Where does the time go?

A new year, a new start, a new chance to make this one count.

It seems at the start of every year people are looking for ways in which to push forward.  They make all these promises to themselves and resolutions which by the end of the year are all but forgotten.

I woke up this morning in a funk.  I thought sitting here in front of the keyboard would help pull my thoughts together and pull me out but I'm finding it hard to even put my sentences in order.  There's no particular reason for this dismal feeling as there usually isn't but it bothers me because I went to sleep last night thinking of all the many productive ways I'd start my day today only to be woken up by my alarm with the realization that I'm unsatisfied and unmotivated to start my day, my week.  With that I rolled back over and snoozed for over an hour finally dragging myself out of bed and to this computer screen where now I sit my mind void of insight or clever prose.

I should make myself breakfast, I should clean the kitchen, I should re-activate my gym membership I put on hold months ago and go like I planned, I should turn on my music and continue with the purge that has left my room a mess and half my closet contents on the floor, I should take a walk, I should sit outside and write, I should prep for my audition tomorrow, I should get ready for class today...there is so much I could be and should be doing, all things that I know I wanted to do before I shut my eyes just a few hours ago.  Funny how a nights sleep can make us wake refreshed and alive ready to tackle the world or leave us broken and empty.  What on earth did I dream about?  What caused this turning tide, this emotional disruption?  And more than that...if happiness comes from within as I know it does...what is it inside of me that is wanting me to not access the joy and excitement that I know exists?

Perhaps focusing on a different topic is the key to my success...

It's two weeks into 2013, and they have been wonderful weeks so far.  2012 came to a close with the holidays at home with family and the New Year brought in surrounded by snow and far away from the city lights and work for once.  The first week also brought my first shoot of the year with MTV Pulse Europe and my first commercial audition for Microsoft, later to be followed by my first on avail.  It also brought the beginning of Killian's workshop which I finally after two years of talking about it signed up for and am attending, the first two classes so far being completely amazing and making me itch for the chance to put it into action.  All in all, not a bad way to begin the year.  I also told myself that this is the year I stop and smell the roses, that I take the time to have "me time," that I budget even more and work less, that I remember to live and not let the days slip by so quickly.  The year I stop beating myself up for things I "should have done" and instead accept where I am at all times as perfect and turn those "should's" into "get to's" and "done's."  The second week however was my downfall.  It quickly brought back the stressing about money after being left off the schedule at one of my jobs and the realization of how much I just spent on my trips and taking off so much work.  So I picked up shifts, and made the conscious decision to skip class both buying myself time to make money...as well as put off doing the work I know I had already put off all break.  It solved two problems...feeling guilty that I was not prepared to come back to class as well as the workaholic's guilt for taking off so much time and spending so much money.  But it did much more than that too...once again I had put "job" in front of "passion" subconsciously telling myself that my career and my worth as an artist was less than the $100 a night I could hope to get at the restaurant.

So now week 3 begins and I have a choice on how it begins.  My subconscious is already betting against me so early on, the fear of failure is what it's used to living in...fear is what it's giving into...my ego wants me to be right once again, because it's easy to do.  It's easy to live in fear.  It's easy to give up, to not succeed and then say "see?  I wasn't going to succeed anyways" but if last year taught me nothing it's that easy does not accomplish your dreams.  Uncomfortable does.  Pushing your boundaries and taking the leap...breaking through the box that is your comfort zone and living your life coming from LOVE regardless of the perceived costs and risks.  If you do not live fully then you do not live at all.  You cannot live in fear of failure or you have already failed.  So despite my mood, despite my desire to crawl back into bed an let the day pass me up, despite the creeping frustration that my day is now beginning two and a half hours after it "should" have, I am ready to close my eyes and just breathe.  Calming those voices and accepting that I am exactly where I need to be, exactly where I get to be...that where I am in my day, in my life, in my mind is absolutely perfect and accepting that my ego will fight against me but only because it is scared.

It's time to turn those "should's" onto "get to's"...it's time for my week to begin.

Time to stop counting...and make it count!

BE the person in your vision.  What would she be doing right now?  How would she fill her time?  Who would she be every morning when she woke, every night before she closed her eyes, and every moment in between?

I cannot count the number of "new starts" I've attempted over the last four years, not to mention the last 10...or even 20.  I've lived my life obsessed with starting over, starting new, being someone better, bigger...yet every time I start again and swear it's "it" I fall back into the routine of lazy comfortabiliy, no matter how uncomfortable it may truly be.  Six months later I realize the little I've progressed and am pushed back into the rut and the routine of yet another "fresh beginning."  Maybe my failure is not my inability to stick to my intentions as much as what focus those intentions were made on.  Wanting to "start over" implies that I'm unhappy or unsatisfied with where I am presently, to "recreate" oneself or ones life means the person or life I'm living is not good enough and needs change.

And that's just not true.

I am wonderful the way I am...and that's where I must begin.  I have to realize that my life is great, and to really appreciate who I am and where my life is.  I'm exactly who and where I need to be, a perfect place to start.  There's nothing wrong with wanting to elevate the level of one's circumstances...but how much more can we achieve if we realize how far we've already become.  Starting over then becomes continuing at an increased rate...and instead of discrediting the last 28 years of journey I've been on and the person I have grown to be I'm simply building on an already tall building.  How much better does that sound?  How much more empowering and exciting is it to add another floor to two or twelve to a structure that already has ten floors?  When building a skyscraper would you rather acknowledge an already sound foundation and base and just add on...or completely demolish what was already built and start from the ground up?

We live in a society where we value the new, the blank slate, the empty lot.  We level gorgeous structures to make way for new, but yet what if we instead found ways to simply make what has come before even greater by adding on?  Like adding a second floor to a home, or a new wing in an already incredible mansion.  Sure the alure of total artistic freedom to build something completely new from the ground up is great...for an architect or a painter.  But as much as we are the artists of our lives...our lives aren't rewritten, they can never be so why should we be unsatisfied and want to wipe away the history?

Of course I am not where I hope to end up.  I'm no where near the end of my journey and I don't plan on simply sitting back and watching it go by...but I also don't want to start new, start fresh, I am done "restarting" and then being down on myself when six months later I feel I'm no further than I was.  That's ridiculous, of course I am...and I know I can go further.  I get to create this adventure, I get to write it, so why not write it from the future?  Be the future me, do whatever it takes to make my amazing life come to life.  

So tonight I decide.  I decide to believe in myself again.  I decide to praise myself, to acknowledge the strides I've made, and to get excited about the journey to come.  Tonight I decide to take the steps, any steps necessary to be the inspired woman I see when I close my eyes and think of accomplishing my dreams.  Tonight I rediscover my love of what I do...the passion behind being an artist...I chose to become obsessed in it, with it, by it.  I choose to sit down and think smaller.  To let go of how I think it should look, to stop expecting perfection and just go for it.  I choose to make mistakes, I choose to live fully, to live passionately, to be wrong, to not shy away from my talents and faults.  To not care what others may think or say...to not care about what I think...and most of all...to accept myself without judgement, and I challenge you to do the same.  What greatness could we all achieve if we lived so freely?

Tomorrow I meet with SBV Talent, a commercial agency, to see if they would be a good fit for me and me for them.  I also work a double...and get to figure out how to make my Friday work schedule conflicts work out.  Saturday day I am meeting with my classmates to discuss the Seven Habits of Highly Successful People, the first book on the Playhouse West reading list, and Sunday some of us are going to get together and go for a hike and appreciate the cooler weather and each other's company.  And somewhere in between I get to journal about my scene for class and begin writing my newly simplified and totally plausible idea for my much talked about web series I get to create.  Then it's Monday and errands, and another amazing week begins, and I'll treat each day as the gift it truly is.

2012 is coming to a close, and my life is just opening up further.

Thoughts on a lazy day...

September.  Fall has fallen...or has it?  Sure doesn't feel like it here in sunny southern Cali, but at least the temperature has dropped below the triple digits; for the time being.  I don't do well with the heat and lately that's all it's been...heat.  But it's September now...fall is at least technically here and soon the weather will follow.  Hikes, scarves, hot coco...ok, so maybe I'm getting a little ahead of myself.  We're not nearly close enough to those type of cool days yet, but I'm getting excited for them.

Got that uneasy feeling yesterday again, the unsettled-something-is-missing feeling that pulls at the back of my mind and makes me easily irritable.  So here I am...relaxing on a Tuesday morning as September comes to a close and I realize...wow...where has the year gone?  It's almost 2013...life has really slipped by this year...this was supposed to be "THE" year...just as the one before was...and the one before that...and yet...as content as I've been lately, even I know that there's more out there.   There's more to my life that I want to build and yet I get so lazy when I'm content, get so complacent. It's not a bad thing, don't get me wrong...I love being happy and I'm not complaining about how far I've come by any means,  but I know I could be more.  And I know that this unrest in my heart stems from a few different areas.  So again I ask myself...what do I want?  What do I really really want.  Earlier this year I spoke of vision and dreams far far greater than myself...do they still hold true?  And if so how come I've allowed myself to slip backwards back into the comfort of...well...being comfortable?

Easy.  It's just that.  Too easy.  It's too easy to think "life's good" or make excuses about starting tomorrow.  I'm not angry with myself for doing it...I don't let myself get that way anymore.  It's unhelpful...useless to beat yourself up for time wasted...you just waste more time being annoyed creating a wonderfully vicious circle.  I'm also not going to spend all day writing about it because I've done that before and that's no help either.  It's just good to note...and to move forward.

So that's just it.  Forward...to what?  What is it I truly want?  Who do I truly wish to be...what version of myself do I stand in in the future?  Do I still dream of creating my own foundation to bring the media arts and creativity to the remote parts of the world and bring their stories to the forefront of international entertainment?  And what would that look like exactly?  Who would I get to be to have that if so?  And if not....then what is it?  What is it that I can say truly drives me?  What's my motivation for it all?  Being happy is great...but doing something with it is even greater.  So as I go about my day doing my chores, getting ready for work, being out there in the world...I ask myself these greater questions.  I will not stress out about the small things, I will not worry one mindedly about the day to day mechanics...but instead I will live in the future.  I will be my dream...and everything will follow, and I challenge you to do the same.  So now, again, what is my dream?  What is yours?

Just one simple thought, and the rest of my life...

Even as I sit here leaning against the purple velvet of my sofa, my laptop propped on my lap, the battery hot against my legs, Florence + The Machine playing a soundtrack over my thoughts...thoughts that just an hour ago I was certain I must share with the world...I feel the pure exhaustion flood over me muddling the once clear vision of tonight's post.  No, I must not give into my circumstances, I am bigger than them, and I will no longer let them win.  I will not hold myself smaller than my surroundings for I am creator of all that shows up in my life.  And with that my thoughts rearrange and I blink back the last three hours of emotional, physical, and spiritual strife which has left me with nothing but tired mussels and surrender.  

Surrender.  What does it mean exactly?  There are so many ways one can "surrender" but tonight, I am finally beginning to grasp what surrender entails.

The Merriam-Webster Dictionary defines surrender as:

sur·ren·der  transitive verb

1

a : to yield to the power, control, or possession of another upon compulsion or demand <surrendered the fort>b : to give up completely or agree to forgo especially in favor of another

2

a : to give (oneself) up into the power of another especially as a prisonerb : to give (oneself) over to something (as an influence)

I can surrender to my circumstances, surrender to my beliefs, surrender to being in my head, to fitting the world in my neat little box, surrender to what I have told myself society dictates as the "correct" way to act, to be...I can go right back to being the person I've been for the last 20 years of my life pretending to be in control of my life or can I surrender to something greater.  Something much bigger.  Something more powerful.  Something with the potential to transform the world.  Surrender to me.

What's the catch? you may be asking.  I mean it seems so black and white doesn't it?  It truly can't be that simple...or can it?  You're a smart one, you've been told all your life that the right thing to do is not always the easiest...but why can't it be?  Where in the universe does it say that everything must be so hard?  Why is choosing to be my true authentic self and really take a stand in creating my vision so difficult?

The simple answer?   Well...there is none.  I have let myself live in fear.  Fear runs my actions, it runs my life.  Why should I let fear win?  What amazing things will I create if I stay in fear?  The concept is so simple, so transparent, yet words come easy.  I can spit big game, I can say I want to change the world, I can claim to be trying.  I am a master of deception, so good that I have even fooled myself.  But deep down, I know it's all a facade.  I know it, even if I don't want to admit it at first...I know I'm a master at manipulating the situation, of playing victim, of convincing myself that i'm doing the best I can...I go through the motions to appear like I'm out there, but the entire time I'm protecting myself.  I am still living out of fear, and it's time to stop.  I have made progress, I am not discrediting my intentions or what I have created up till this point, but I am finally ready to give in.  To stop fighting to keep my fear, to give myself over to something greater, to a greater calling, to surrender to the person I was meant to be regardless of the costs.  The fear.

Surrender is not to give up, but to give in.  To give into why I am where I am...I have created this moment, I have created tonight, I have created everything in my life for this purpose...for this moment.  For in the end that is all we have...there is no past, no future...all we are given is the now.  And now, at long last, I am ready to surrender to the greatness inside of me.  Surrender to being the leader I am, the source of progress, a pillar of strength and light against the overwhelming darkness.  For if it's to be, it's up to me.  I will lead the way, however hard and lonely the path may seem at times, it is the one I choose.  I choose to be great, I choose to be brilliant, I choose to be the only thing I can be...ME.

And now I surrender to the night.  Tomorrow a new day begins.  A new life begins.  I've surrendered to the fear, for there is nothing to fear but fear itself.