So again I must apologize, I know in my last post I promised I would not neglect you my internet friend, that I would be better and more diligent at spilling my guts to the vast unknown of cyberspace and hope my rantings could be an escape from the reality of the every day for anyone who happened upon them. Well, we can't control the world around us and sometimes the best laid plans go astray. In this case, will all my good intentions I could not prevent life from taking it's own course and throwing a bump or two in my road, an emotional writers block so to speak, and making my good intentions on keeping this blog current...well...kinda a fail. But I know you understand, life is not all fun and games and we all know too well that it can at times, who am I kidding...most the time, be a tough road.
So what have you missed? Well, I can tell you this, you haven't missed any more fun audition mishaps. My commercial agency hasn't sent me out for anything since that last Asian mother role, a problem that I need to address and hopefully fix. I've been patient though, my agent had to take a leave of absence for family matters and in her absence they have brought in a new girl. I suppose the transition is a little rough hence why I've excused the lack of auditions but it's about time that I be sent out again. I do need to update my head shots once again...since they didn't like my most recent ones and I'm using a photo that is currently more than two years old, so that may be a problem. Either way I need to really fix this issue in the coming week, and stop being lazy. Pro-active is the key when it comes to auditions and work in this industry...
I have however enrolled in a new set of classes. Financially burdening but as we all know, classes and continued learning is a must for all actors and artists. You are never good enough, you must always be improving, perfecting...and these new classes are awesome. They are more audition based, it's not about learning the method or breaking down scenes over the course of weeks, it's quite self testing and really helpful. I'm also looking into joining playhouse west or another company in my quest to become a stronger artist. I've also started dancing again...and I suck. I really mean it. It's kinda funny in a way, and quite frustrating since I hate being bad at things.
Yes, I'm one of those.
You know the type, the ones that are not fun to play games with because if they are loosing the get frustrated and often quit, the ones that have to be the best. I hate it, seriously. Being a competitive person is not a wonderful quality, I mean you never hear people say "oh I love that they are so competitive!" and being in a foul mood because you aren't good at something and just want to quit is so not how I want to feel when up against a challenge. Luckily, I'm also quite stubborn, so quitting isn't really an easy thing for me to grasp, instead I'll force myself to suffer, to be frustrated and annoyed, to see it as a challenge to myself to become better, to be the best. In this case, I know I won't be the best...but I can't stand being one of the worst...so I'll keep going, I'll keep struggling, until I either get better or my head explodes from the pressure of it all, not literally of course.
And that's another thing I've been thinking about lately. Self improvement, and happiness. Two concepts that battle one another, yet you would think could work in harmony. Think about it for a minute, when have you ever met someone that has a healthy balance of both? I mean we're all taught that we should strive for self improvement, that we should see the qualities in other people that we admire and then work to "better" ourselves by embodying these traits. But then again, aren't we taught that we should learn to accept ourselves as we are, that to be happy the first step is to love yourself? If we love ourselves and are truly happy with all of our shortcomings, then why would we feel the urge or need for self improvement? It's a baffling concept that I still don't quite know the answer to and struggle with often, partially because I've always had this crippling need to be better, and this extreme desire to be happy. It may not seem like it, but it's a tiring battle, convincing oneself to simply accept your own faults and let yourself be happy, and this magnetic pull to analyze your faults and emotions and what the correct way to handle or fix them may be. I suppose I'm not the only one that goes through this, I've written countless posts over the years (in less public journals) about the search for happiness, the keys to happiness, and my lack of it. Happiness comes from within, I know this, but how am I expected to reach happiness when I'm always looking to be better? And why should I want or need to be anything more than I am? How do we achieve true self acceptance? Even now as I write I don't know the answer, I'm just as confused as ever...perhaps it's not a good subject to breach for this entry. I'm a bit jumbled and on the verge of talking myself (and you) in circles. If can't even make sense of my own thoughts believe me, I don't expect you to either...so maybe I'll just skip it for now and revisit it when the timing is right.
So, for the rest of this post I'll stick to less philosophical matters, such as simply discussing the oddities of living a life opposite of the norm. Yes, I'm talking about the freedom to sleep in, to enjoy the sunlight hours, to skip rush hour...sounds great right? Well like anything, it has it's advantages...but it also has it's drawbacks. Self motivation for one. When you cross over to working the non traditional hours, evenings and weekends, for a specific reason or to obtain a goal you have to work hard not to forget what it is you were hoping to accomplish. It's all so simple for those 9-5ers to go to work, then come home and just...be. To leave work at work and have the rest of your time to do what you please, it's really liberating actually. I've always struggled a bit with the whole time management self motivation thing. Anyone that knew me in college can attest to that, I'm easily distracted and like most, a bit of a procrastinator. Unfortunately, this is not something I have the luxury of anymore...hence why I got that last tattoo, a constant reminder to not waste all my time. Then again, I do think it's really important to waste some time. I mean come on, we all need to enjoy life...they don't have that saying for nothing all work and no play makes johnny a dull boy and dull is not something that is in my DNA. Anyways, back to the subject...I've become much better at self motivation, self regulation as I like to put it but it's something that I still have to constantly work on. The ability to put yourself in check when you have to, but to also let yourself slide a little when you don't accomplish quite as much as you had hoped. It's a work in progress.
The next thing about having an opposite schedule than everyone else is...well...that you kinda become a homebody. This is something I never expected, and I'm still struggling to get used to.
You see, I've always been a really big proprietor of getting out of the house, enjoying the day, taking advantage of all that nature has to offer. Yes, I love dancing in the rain, taking walks in the sun, sitting in the park and basking in the glory of living and life around us...it's the little things that make me happy. The things that I believe humble us, make us feel small in this world. We get too tied up in our own lives to stop are realize that living is not as complex as we seem to make it, it's a gift, a phenomenon, and we should remember to just...live. I think people outside of cities have an easier time remember this, heck, I even fall pray to getting wrapped up in my own little problems and forgetting that the world is bigger than this damn city. But that's why I like to get out of the house...or at least liked to, until recently. I don't know exactly what it is, maybe it's that it's not as special now that I'm always free when the sun is up, or maybe it's that there's so few people to go out and enjoy it with since everyone is at work when I'm free...no, that can't be it. I used to go outside alone all the time, I like being alone, and I used to work more than one job so I'd never be free even when others were...is it a side effect of growing up? Is my affinity it remaining in my apartment during the day instead of enjoying the splendor of the world around me part of getting older? Or have I simply forgotten why I love it in the first place and fallen into a slump? I don't know, but I do know one thing...writing about it is making me want to add that to my list of "self improvement." Lol, yes, I think I should start discovering the parks around my house and doing my scene breakdowns under the shade of a tree...when the weather is nice at least.
Lastly, this most obvious...friendships. Working nights and weekends makes keeping your friendships strong so much harder and so much more important. I've never been super good at keeping in contact with people, networking (which is so very important in this industry) is not my strong suite, and now that I don't get to see my friends regularly out and about it's so much more pressing to try to keep the doors of communication open. Thank god for text messaging is all I can say. And hey, maybe I'll become a superb networker because of it...highly doubtful, but it's another thing to add to that list.
So there you have it...I've successfully written an entire novel about nothing important and most likely nothing remotely exciting to you. I guess this post was more for myself...but next time I promise, I'll write about something slightly less self soul searching, and yes, I'll even include pictures.
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