As an Adult I waste a lot of time. This really is not a new occurrence for me, more like a reoccurring theme throughout my entire life except now, as an adult, it's mine to own up to. You see growing up I had my mother's constant nagging and persistent eye to keep me semi on track. "Time management" was a skill I greatly lacked and she was bound and determined to change that. Well, needless to say, some things are not easily altered and my sense of time was one of them. I have learned to come to terms with it as much as I can I guess, I mean I completely admit that it's still one of my most prominent downfalls and that I spend countless hours doing a whole lot of nothing productive even after all my attempts at productivity. I am constantly writing out lists and assigning myself tasks to do on given days throughout the week, and I still find myself sucked into some mindless activity that was not one of those clearly stated on my post-it. I guess this wouldn't be as big of a problem if I had a career path that didn't require self starting and motivation, but clearly in this industry wasting time is a luxury that I shouldn't afford.
Don't get me wrong, I'm not always a time waster...I have my moments of inspiration in which I will complete a number of tasks at a semi-normal rate of time, but these days are greatly outnumbered by days in which I complete no task at all. Even now as I write about wasting time there are numerous other activities I should be doing such as breaking down my scene for my next company showcase, going to the bank, grocery shopping, choosing photos from some of my recent photo shoots to be featured on my website, tracking down the media clips of some student films I was in, updating my website, setting up a time to take new head shots with the agency recommended photographer (or at least going through her site to see the style they like and deciding if any of my friends' styles are comparable), looking through my old Europe photos to choose a couple to enlarge and put in the frames on my walls...see? Lots that a normal person could knock out in one day but will undoubtedly take me a week of hard concentration and self discipline.
I used to get angry, upset, really bent out of shape when I didn't complete a task in a timely manner. I mean, I still often get annoyed with myself for wasting a perfectly good day doing nothing but there is no one to blame but myself in the end, so I have to let it go and chalk it up to a day of relaxation. This is me, this is my life, and if I don't want to be chemically reliant then I'm going to have to resign the fact that I am indeed a time waster. Granted, there are the rare days when I wake up early and semi motivated that I deem my days of productivity and indulge in my totally legit Dr. prescribed medication to help boost my time management skills a bit...but even then I'm prone to time wasting.
It's an amazing thing though, the amount of work someone can get done who doesn't seem to be sucked into mindless activities or distractions. Just a couple weeks ago my parents stopped by on their way down to San Diego. They stayed with me for a total of 23 hours and completed what would have been for me a month of work...actually, who am I kidding...in a span of 5 hours they managed to complete tasks that have been on my "to do" list for months AND have a leisurely lunch and head to downtown to dinner. Amazing. To them it was just another day, to me it was a complete re-decorating of my apartment and another reminder of how my life is so not normal and how much harder I must work at making myself a viable and successful adult. I can't imagine what I would get done if I had their drive...or rather simply a "normal" sense of concentration. It's crazy, I never really wanted to admit it but really the way I live my life is rather ridiculous. Perhaps my late college boyfriend was right when he'd say "you're prescribed it, it can help you, you should take it" to which I'd respond "but I don't want to depend on a drug, it makes me feel slow." Probably not what people expect...but it does. Granted I get twice as much done (still not as much as a regular person) but my thoughts feel slow. It's strange, I distinctly remember one of the first days of trying my new regimen and us driving to school to study. How as we drove I kept staring out the window and simply enjoying the view. I wasn't thinking about anything but the landscape and houses and trees that were passing by and wondering if that's what it was like to be "normal," to only think about what was right in front of you not a million and one other things buzzing around in the back of your head. It was foreign, and strange, and I didn't like it...why did I need to be "normal"?
...and now here I am...realizing that I'm just getting older and the days are passing with me sitting here doing a lot of nothing. I go in and out of my moods and when I'm down I begin to wonder if I shouldn't give normal another chance...because this life of "relaxation" may be hurting me more than helping. Productivity and being busy and pushing forward makes me happy...but I can't seem to get there on my own.
Even as I write I seem to loose myself in random tangents. I sat down today in front of this keyboard with a completely different goal in mind and as I often do, ended up at point G instead of B or C. Funny how as I write my thoughts transform into something even I wasn't expecting. Focus, I tell myself but now that I'm here I cannot remember my original destination. I had no intention of sharing or discussing this topic although it is one I've been toying with for a little while now. Well, I guess now it's time to stop thinking and pondering and wasting time...and take action. After all, ACTION is what this is about...and hopefully someday it's the words that my days will be punctuated with.
End scene.
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