So I guess we're about due for a new post and my, how quickly things change. Last time I wrote about being inspired, feeling motivated, achieving your dreams and not letting anything or anyone get in the way. Well, not even a month later and how the tables have turned. That's just like life though, and we must learn to roll with the punches and enjoy the crazy ride for in the end, there's really no use fighting it.
I'm not saying that I've lost that drive or motivation or belief in myself and my "destiny," no, not at all...I'm just saying that sometimes life has a different plan for us and we have to let go and let the current take us downstream. In the end we will eventually end up in the ocean, but how we get there is not always determined by us. So July has come and gone and silly me to think August would be less hectic and allow me to concentrate on my goals and joys, for I have quickly found that not to be the case. If anything, August is crazier than July, not by choice but by obligation. My wants are superseded by my needs; mainly my need to survive.
At Playhouse west our teachers love telling us the story of James Franco...the golden boy of PW. I love James Franco, I think he is brilliant and talented and definitely one of the great actors of my generation not to mention super hot. I've loved him for a while and his work just seems to get better and better, he truly is an artist, and I am clearly not alone in my admiration. Needless to say, if you ever take a class at Playhouse West you will undoubtedly hear his name over and over and over until quite frankly, you are a little sick of hearing it. But that is not what I'm getting at, and not what I want you to take from this tangent. James has not gotten to where he is by luck, or by chance, he is and was dedicated to his craft, his work, his dream. I don't know how many times I've heard the story of how for a time he lived in his car while dedicating all his time to rehearsing and class and acting and projects with his fellow students and how that is the very dedication that is required to achieve what he has. While I admire James and his drive and his hardship and sacrifices, I have too strong a sense of obligation and responsibility to support myself to ever allow myself to fall on such hardships. Don't get me wrong, I am in no way disparaging those who find themselves homeless or down on their luck, I do not know their story of how they got there and I am almost positive it was not by choice, all I am trying to say is that I was raised to always take care of your basic needs first. Shelter, food, pay your bills on time, don't live outside your means. Life humble and work hard and once you find stability then you can indulge in the rest, in what you love.
So August finds me regrettably dedicating my time and energy not to class, rehearsals, and showcases like July, but to work. Work and obligations, responsibilities, and putting the ducks in a row. I fought with myself the first Tuesday of the month, up and dressed, ready for class at 8:30am still a little exhausted from Vegas the weekend before (the batchelorette party) and knowing that the month ahead would not allow me the time necessary to be a dedicated student or even attend class regularly. I had just started training at a new job since my current one was undergoing drastic policy changes and with them it seemed soon I would not be able to support myself and my class tuition. So here I was, forced to look elsewhere for the means to my end and juggling my current shifts while trying to show my new job that I was just as serious about them as my new currently jobless colleges were. I wanted so badly to continue my classes and dedication to moving forward with my dreams as well, but it just didn't seem plausible...or smart to try to juggle this new commitment along with all that I was already doing. Plus, since it was new restaurant their training schedule was not set in stone I was never sure when I would be expected to there at the drop of a hat, many times interfering with class time. I attempted once or twice to do both, go to class and then make it to training but since class and the job were on opposite sides of LA, I was consistently late, racing all over town to make it to class, training, and often work.
As I sat there in my apartment watching the minutes roll by debating whether or not to get into my car and to the first class of the new month, fighting with myself and trying to find any way in my mind that I could continue all my classes and both work schedules I finally resigned the fact that responsibility outweighs passion. It just did not seem reasonable or even possible, so finally I made the hard decision that something had to give. It couldn't be work because I need to support myself, it couldn't be training and the new job because without it class is not an option, I had already decided to take another break from the theater company, and I couldn't take a month off of Grey's or I'd be ineligible again for the next showcase and deprive myself of the chance to preform in front of industry individuals and possibly my future representation, so that left only one option. Playhouse West. Playhouse being the greater time commitment with the twice weekly classes and outside rehearsals and reading lists (all the books having just ordered and been delivered to my doorstep just days before), all of which I loved and wanted to truly dedicate my time to. I knew I'd be cheating myself and my classmates if I half-assed it; if I simply showed up to class tired and drained and was a warm body but nothing more. I would not get anything out of it and neither would my peers who were chosen to work with me. Not to mention my fierce pride and competitive nature. If I'm to do something I am adamant on doing it right, and I knew I couldn't honestly tell myself I would be able to.
So here I am...half way through the month with finally a moment to spare to open my soul to the world and I am no closer to finding that balance needed to invest my time back into what it is I love and miss. I sometimes wish I could be so free to live out of my car like James...but then I realize that above all, I must survive, and the only way I know how is this way. You work hard, you make sacrifices, and you will in time, succeed. I may be juggling two jobs, I may have stopped auditioning, I may have had to stop going to class but this is not the end, this is not over, I have simply pressed pause on the soundtrack of my dreams, the last note suspended in time and space, hanging, waiting until it is once again clear for the needle to drop and the music to begin again as if nothing ever changed. And I too am waiting, hanging, going through the motions and living the moments not for what I want but what I need. Everything else is secondary, I work, I sleep, I eat, I make social appointments with only those who mean the most to me simply to keep myself sane, and I hope for that day to come soon when I can once again simply work to support my dream, not make my work my life.
No comments:
Post a Comment