I live an existence full of excuses. That is my life. I've created it that way, and have lived it that way for as long as I have been in charge of it. There's an excuse for everything, for why I work so much, for why my apartment is a constant mess, for why I am not making progress in my career, and a lot of times I create an escape. I focus on something to distract me from facing myself and really taking myself on.
And if I've learned anything...it's that we all must take ourselves on sooner or later.
We are the creators of everything, and everything is perfect. Especially when what we've created is the perfect opportunity for us to stop and really look at what reality we're living in...and I that time for me is now.
I am not happy, and that is all my own doing. I have not truly been happy for quite some time. This realization today...and this admittance of my true state of being hurts, even though I know I've known it for a while. It forces me to really look inside and see why I'm playing this game of avoidance that I've become all too good at, for after all, we're always winning the game we're playing. So this here plain and simple is the game I've been playing.
I avoid success and failure at the same time, unsure of which scares me more. I avoid really putting myself out there in the career I've chosen by being a workaholic at a job that is supposed to afford me the time and flexibility to pursue said career. I justify it by living in a conversation of scarcity, one that no longer rings true yet that I've held onto so tightly for so long it's hard to let go of. Plus, it serves it's purpose in this mad downward spiral called my adult life. Being a workaholic gives me excuse to be lazy and to live is a space of constant disarray due to my "lack of time" or constant "tiredness" from working so much...and going out to drinks post work to blow off the steam and stress created from work doesn't help this either. And if that was not enough, when I do have free time I no longer use it in a productive way such as taking class or shooting, rather I spend it further avoiding the root of the problem by wasting it watching shows on the internet and when I had someone to give my time to...I gave him all of it. It was easier to distract me from my life than to actually live it, to do what I ultimately always knew I'd have to, to take myself and my life on.
And man, am I ever good at that game.
I truly believe we are the creators of everything that shows up in our lives, and whether we want to admit it or not the universe eventually hands us what we need; what it is we're truly authentically asking for and it's rarely pretty. Clearly what I've been asking for is a mirror. A mirror that cuts through all my bullshit, cuts through all my excuses, all my weak alibis that even I knew were weak, one which I can no longer avoid, for avoidance would only perpetuate the pattern.
None of what I'm telling you is news to me, so why am I sitting here telling you what I already knew? Well the first step in any recovery is always admittance. Admitting you have a problem, ending the denial that the ego has tried to cling onto for too long, and the first step to achieving a goal is declaration. So I guess in a way this is my first step on the road of recovery (or just another on a very long pathway if you've read any of my older posts, you decide). My goal being getting my life on track...actually living the life I say I want instead of making excuses and just saying I want it. I get to create it, not wish it into creation. I have spent too long not being the vibrant person I was put on this planet to be, I've spent too long avoiding and making excuses. It never feels good to hear what you don't want to hear...to realize that someone can see right through you and pinpoint the weaknesses you yourself were trying to pretend weren't there. But at the same time, I guess in a way I was just waiting for someone to be brave enough to hold up that mirror and make me look at it. To really see what I already knew, to not allow me continue my game of avoidance, so thank you for that.
Faith. It's knowing the universe never makes a mistake. It's giving me exactly what it is I've been asking for, and I can no longer pretend I couldn't see.
Monday, July 22, 2013
Monday, January 14, 2013
Where does the time go?
A new year, a new start, a new chance to make this one count.
It seems at the start of every year people are looking for ways in which to push forward. They make all these promises to themselves and resolutions which by the end of the year are all but forgotten.
I woke up this morning in a funk. I thought sitting here in front of the keyboard would help pull my thoughts together and pull me out but I'm finding it hard to even put my sentences in order. There's no particular reason for this dismal feeling as there usually isn't but it bothers me because I went to sleep last night thinking of all the many productive ways I'd start my day today only to be woken up by my alarm with the realization that I'm unsatisfied and unmotivated to start my day, my week. With that I rolled back over and snoozed for over an hour finally dragging myself out of bed and to this computer screen where now I sit my mind void of insight or clever prose.
I should make myself breakfast, I should clean the kitchen, I should re-activate my gym membership I put on hold months ago and go like I planned, I should turn on my music and continue with the purge that has left my room a mess and half my closet contents on the floor, I should take a walk, I should sit outside and write, I should prep for my audition tomorrow, I should get ready for class today...there is so much I could be and should be doing, all things that I know I wanted to do before I shut my eyes just a few hours ago. Funny how a nights sleep can make us wake refreshed and alive ready to tackle the world or leave us broken and empty. What on earth did I dream about? What caused this turning tide, this emotional disruption? And more than that...if happiness comes from within as I know it does...what is it inside of me that is wanting me to not access the joy and excitement that I know exists?
Perhaps focusing on a different topic is the key to my success...
It's two weeks into 2013, and they have been wonderful weeks so far. 2012 came to a close with the holidays at home with family and the New Year brought in surrounded by snow and far away from the city lights and work for once. The first week also brought my first shoot of the year with MTV Pulse Europe and my first commercial audition for Microsoft, later to be followed by my first on avail. It also brought the beginning of Killian's workshop which I finally after two years of talking about it signed up for and am attending, the first two classes so far being completely amazing and making me itch for the chance to put it into action. All in all, not a bad way to begin the year. I also told myself that this is the year I stop and smell the roses, that I take the time to have "me time," that I budget even more and work less, that I remember to live and not let the days slip by so quickly. The year I stop beating myself up for things I "should have done" and instead accept where I am at all times as perfect and turn those "should's" into "get to's" and "done's." The second week however was my downfall. It quickly brought back the stressing about money after being left off the schedule at one of my jobs and the realization of how much I just spent on my trips and taking off so much work. So I picked up shifts, and made the conscious decision to skip class both buying myself time to make money...as well as put off doing the work I know I had already put off all break. It solved two problems...feeling guilty that I was not prepared to come back to class as well as the workaholic's guilt for taking off so much time and spending so much money. But it did much more than that too...once again I had put "job" in front of "passion" subconsciously telling myself that my career and my worth as an artist was less than the $100 a night I could hope to get at the restaurant.
So now week 3 begins and I have a choice on how it begins. My subconscious is already betting against me so early on, the fear of failure is what it's used to living in...fear is what it's giving into...my ego wants me to be right once again, because it's easy to do. It's easy to live in fear. It's easy to give up, to not succeed and then say "see? I wasn't going to succeed anyways" but if last year taught me nothing it's that easy does not accomplish your dreams. Uncomfortable does. Pushing your boundaries and taking the leap...breaking through the box that is your comfort zone and living your life coming from LOVE regardless of the perceived costs and risks. If you do not live fully then you do not live at all. You cannot live in fear of failure or you have already failed. So despite my mood, despite my desire to crawl back into bed an let the day pass me up, despite the creeping frustration that my day is now beginning two and a half hours after it "should" have, I am ready to close my eyes and just breathe. Calming those voices and accepting that I am exactly where I need to be, exactly where I get to be...that where I am in my day, in my life, in my mind is absolutely perfect and accepting that my ego will fight against me but only because it is scared.
It's time to turn those "should's" onto "get to's"...it's time for my week to begin.
It seems at the start of every year people are looking for ways in which to push forward. They make all these promises to themselves and resolutions which by the end of the year are all but forgotten.
I woke up this morning in a funk. I thought sitting here in front of the keyboard would help pull my thoughts together and pull me out but I'm finding it hard to even put my sentences in order. There's no particular reason for this dismal feeling as there usually isn't but it bothers me because I went to sleep last night thinking of all the many productive ways I'd start my day today only to be woken up by my alarm with the realization that I'm unsatisfied and unmotivated to start my day, my week. With that I rolled back over and snoozed for over an hour finally dragging myself out of bed and to this computer screen where now I sit my mind void of insight or clever prose.
I should make myself breakfast, I should clean the kitchen, I should re-activate my gym membership I put on hold months ago and go like I planned, I should turn on my music and continue with the purge that has left my room a mess and half my closet contents on the floor, I should take a walk, I should sit outside and write, I should prep for my audition tomorrow, I should get ready for class today...there is so much I could be and should be doing, all things that I know I wanted to do before I shut my eyes just a few hours ago. Funny how a nights sleep can make us wake refreshed and alive ready to tackle the world or leave us broken and empty. What on earth did I dream about? What caused this turning tide, this emotional disruption? And more than that...if happiness comes from within as I know it does...what is it inside of me that is wanting me to not access the joy and excitement that I know exists?
Perhaps focusing on a different topic is the key to my success...
It's two weeks into 2013, and they have been wonderful weeks so far. 2012 came to a close with the holidays at home with family and the New Year brought in surrounded by snow and far away from the city lights and work for once. The first week also brought my first shoot of the year with MTV Pulse Europe and my first commercial audition for Microsoft, later to be followed by my first on avail. It also brought the beginning of Killian's workshop which I finally after two years of talking about it signed up for and am attending, the first two classes so far being completely amazing and making me itch for the chance to put it into action. All in all, not a bad way to begin the year. I also told myself that this is the year I stop and smell the roses, that I take the time to have "me time," that I budget even more and work less, that I remember to live and not let the days slip by so quickly. The year I stop beating myself up for things I "should have done" and instead accept where I am at all times as perfect and turn those "should's" into "get to's" and "done's." The second week however was my downfall. It quickly brought back the stressing about money after being left off the schedule at one of my jobs and the realization of how much I just spent on my trips and taking off so much work. So I picked up shifts, and made the conscious decision to skip class both buying myself time to make money...as well as put off doing the work I know I had already put off all break. It solved two problems...feeling guilty that I was not prepared to come back to class as well as the workaholic's guilt for taking off so much time and spending so much money. But it did much more than that too...once again I had put "job" in front of "passion" subconsciously telling myself that my career and my worth as an artist was less than the $100 a night I could hope to get at the restaurant.
So now week 3 begins and I have a choice on how it begins. My subconscious is already betting against me so early on, the fear of failure is what it's used to living in...fear is what it's giving into...my ego wants me to be right once again, because it's easy to do. It's easy to live in fear. It's easy to give up, to not succeed and then say "see? I wasn't going to succeed anyways" but if last year taught me nothing it's that easy does not accomplish your dreams. Uncomfortable does. Pushing your boundaries and taking the leap...breaking through the box that is your comfort zone and living your life coming from LOVE regardless of the perceived costs and risks. If you do not live fully then you do not live at all. You cannot live in fear of failure or you have already failed. So despite my mood, despite my desire to crawl back into bed an let the day pass me up, despite the creeping frustration that my day is now beginning two and a half hours after it "should" have, I am ready to close my eyes and just breathe. Calming those voices and accepting that I am exactly where I need to be, exactly where I get to be...that where I am in my day, in my life, in my mind is absolutely perfect and accepting that my ego will fight against me but only because it is scared.
It's time to turn those "should's" onto "get to's"...it's time for my week to begin.
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