Excuses

I live an existence full of excuses.  That is my life.  I've created it that way, and have lived it that way for as long as I have been in charge of it.  There's an excuse for everything, for why I work so much, for why my apartment is a constant mess, for why I am not making progress in my career, and a lot of times I create an escape.  I focus on something to distract me from facing myself and really taking myself on.

And if I've learned anything...it's that we all must take ourselves on sooner or later.

We are the creators of everything, and everything is perfect.  Especially when what we've created is the perfect opportunity for us to stop and really look at what reality we're living in...and I that time for me is now.

I am not happy, and that is all my own doing.  I have not truly been happy for quite some time.  This realization today...and this admittance of my true state of being hurts, even though I know I've known it for a while.  It forces me to really look inside and see why I'm playing this game of avoidance that I've become all too good at, for after all, we're always winning the game we're playing.  So this here plain and simple is the game I've been playing.

I avoid success and failure at the same time, unsure of which scares me more.  I avoid really putting myself out there in the career I've chosen by being a workaholic at a job that is supposed to afford me the time and flexibility to pursue said career. I justify it by living in a conversation of scarcity, one that no longer rings true yet that I've held onto so tightly for so long it's hard to let go of.  Plus, it serves it's purpose in this mad downward spiral called my adult life.  Being a workaholic gives me excuse to be lazy and to live is a space of constant disarray due to my "lack of time" or constant "tiredness" from working so much...and going out to drinks post work to blow off the steam and stress created from work doesn't help this either.  And if that was not enough, when I do have free time I no longer use it in a productive way such as taking class or shooting, rather I spend it further avoiding the root of the problem by wasting it watching shows on the internet and when I had someone to give my time to...I gave him all of it.  It was easier to distract me from my life than to actually live it, to do what I ultimately always knew I'd have to, to take myself and my life on.

And man, am I ever good at that game.

I truly believe we are the creators of everything that shows up in our lives, and whether we want to admit it or not the universe eventually hands us what we need; what it is we're truly authentically asking for and it's rarely pretty.  Clearly what I've been asking for is a mirror.  A mirror that cuts through all my bullshit, cuts through all my excuses, all my weak alibis that even I knew were weak, one which I can no longer avoid, for avoidance would only perpetuate the pattern.

None of what I'm telling you is news to me, so why am I sitting here telling you what I already knew?  Well the first step in any recovery is always admittance.  Admitting you have a problem, ending the denial that the ego has tried to cling onto for too long, and the first step to achieving a goal is declaration.  So I guess in a way this is my first step on the road of recovery (or just another on a very long pathway if you've read any of my older posts, you decide).  My goal being getting my life on track...actually living the life I say I want instead of making excuses and just saying I want it.  I get to create it, not wish it into creation.  I have spent too long not being the vibrant person I was put on this planet to be, I've spent too long avoiding and making excuses.  It never feels good to hear what you don't want to hear...to realize that someone can see right through you and pinpoint the weaknesses you yourself were trying to pretend weren't there.  But at the same time, I guess in a way I was just waiting for someone to be brave enough to hold up that mirror and make me look at it.  To really see what I already knew, to not allow me continue my game of avoidance, so thank you for that.

Faith.  It's knowing the universe never makes a mistake.  It's giving me exactly what it is I've been asking for, and I can no longer pretend I couldn't see.