So it's the end of July...in a little under 6 months I'll be blowing out 31 candles...31.
They say age is just a number and I believe that, I do. I didn't freak out when 30 came and went...but now that 31 is nearing it may be time to re-think the age game. At 23 I had my quarter life crisis...23 was a rough year. Then again so was 24...and maybe even 25. Those were the years I was lost...the first few years out of college without a clearly defined career path, or life path...the years that everyone wanted to know what I was up to...what now...and I had no answer for them, or myself.
I have a career path now, and my own apartment, and boyfriend who as of three months ago now shares said apartment with me. Is it true love, the everlasting kind? Well...that's really still up in the air and at the moment I'm okay with that because as much as I'd love that Earth shattering "this is it" type of love that most my friends have seemingly found...there are more important things in this 30 year old's life. Mainly figuring out how to live the life I have, and do it with grace and joy. How to create the life I want...or one I would be satisfied with...and that, all comes from within.
I've come to the acceptance that I'm the type of person who is never truly satisfied, but that my dissatisfaction is never quite enough to motivate me to make changes that are lasting. Sounds silly I know, especially at my age but you'll see it's true just by looking back across the pages of this blog. I'm fairly positive that 90% of my previous posts have to do with some sort of dissatisfaction at where I am in my life and the steps I should or get to take to get to the place I want to be...followed by a few months of cyber silence and then another slightly different post of the same nature. Hey, at least I recognize my patterns.
Anyways, welcome to yet another post of the same sort...
So 31. That's 9 years till 40, and though a lot can happen in 9 years...we all know how quickly they can pass as well. And it's not that I'm afraid of getting older...it's that I have to think from a different standpoint, a career based point of view. I'm an Actor...or at least that's what I say I am...the path I've claimed to have chosen. As an actor, age plays a different role...literally. In my 20's I could see myself playing the college girl, maybe even the late HS teen...then as I neared 30, the "fresh out of college" type the struggling career girl...but as I get older my youthful look is changing. I no longer get 22 when someone guesses my age...it's now 25; 26. I see people I haven't seen in years and they say I look older and the truth is, I do. I look at myself in the mirror and realize I am looking closer to my age than I ever have before...and I realize that before long, I'll be playing the mom in every casting. I'll have surpassed the age of "leading lady" or "romantic lead" and though I look forward to a long fulfilling career as the TV mom (I love Connie Britton and would LOVE her career), I'm not ready to get there without a little time as the "girl trying to figure it all out". So that puts a definite time crunch on things, which honestly may be a good thing. I've never worried about the age factor before, and it's been how long since I decided to move to LA with the dream of being an Actor? 2007. I made the decision and move in 2007, that's 7 years ago and yes, I can say that for the first two years I was young and getting my grounding, and working 2-3 jobs just to pay rent, and then I joined Atwater Playhouse, and quit my day job...I moved out on my own sick and tired of paying rent for the second broke roomate in a matter of 2 years...then I quit Atwater and joined Playhouse West, and Grey's Studio, and I got my first commercial agent...then I went back to working 2 jobs but at least they were both night jobs...I did horrible student films, I tried finding myself through transformational workshops, landed my present commercial agent, got a manager who I thought was going to be great (which I get to drop by the end of the year) and my present job, left Playhouse West, took improv at UCB, and went through all the trials and tribulations of creating my relationship...to land me here.
Half way through my 30th year on earth.
One job, 4 nights a week.
Still in an apartment I love.
Live in boyfriend who is also reaching for the dream.
Half time mom to an awesome kid.
Two weeks into an amazing new weekly acting class at Stuart Rogers studio, and one week into his Audition class.
I have a savings that allows me to think about world travel on a yearly basis, and the freedom to up and go whenever I want.
Commercial agency that sends me out on a regular basis with agents that I love.
Great co-workers.
Best friends that I couldn't do it without.
Healthy and alive.
A family that support me and love me and have accepted that this is my life and what I want to do.
I have a good life, there's no doubting that. Even the unsatisfied me has to admit that. But I want a GREAT life...and that is something that I get to work for...and not become lethargic about. It's easier to be comfortable and live the good life than it is to strive for the GREAT life...and I don't want another 7...or 9 years to go by and to look back on all that wasted potential. So where do I go from here?
Well happiness starts from within right? So that a start. Health...eating right, regular exercise, meditation, yoga, exploring the outdoors, regular sleeping patterns, they all would help me wake up more invigorated ready to take on the world. Auditioning for small projects, writing my own scripts, keeping up this blog, reading plays, working hard in classes, finding theatrical representation, workshops, working on dialects, getting a good manager, visiting my commercial agents would keep my pushing forward in my career. Traveling, shopping, dabbling in photography, getting back into modeling, starting craft projects, reading books, watching Indy movies, learning a new language, brushing up on Spanish, picking up a paintbrush would help get those creative juices flowing again. Taking dance classes, working on puzzles, camping, hiking, finding new hobbies and passions would help inspire me. All things that I know I "should do" and tell myself with my best transformational lingo I "get to do." So then wth...why don't you just DO IT already, right? Seriously.
I read so many articles about how to be happy, to live happy, to be successful...there are lists and lists and lists of things you should give up...or start doing. They all motivate for a moment or two and then are lost again as our attention shifts, let's make this the one time it doesn't. Let's make 31 the best year yet...and I've got 5 months to lay the foundation.
No more tomorrows, no more next weeks...because life happens
now.
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