So today is the birthday of my first boyfriend, first love, first heartbreak, first of many things. It's funny how when we grow up the lives we once believed we'd have change, our needs, our wants, us as a person, it all changes. He's married now, and apparently expecting his first child. It's crazy, I'm happy and excited for him, it's amazing to see what he's done with his life, how it's all unfolded. Granted we don't talk anymore and most of my information comes from that social media site that we all know and love, yes, the one that seems to rule lives...facebook...and the one or two off times I may see a post or happen across his page in boredom or mild curiosity but every time I do, I feel a strange pride in seeing his accomplishments, his happiness. Almost like I'm a proud birth parent of a child I gave up who doesn't know my existence and whom I admire from afar. Is that weird? It is kinda weird, hu? None the less, as I sit here thinking about the boy I once believed would be my husband, and the life we had imagined, I can't help but smile slightly with nostalgia.
Everyone remembers their first love, the trials the tribulations, the mistakes made by both, the promises made and broken, the way you though no one else could compare. The fights, the tears, the joy. The dreams, the plans, the romance, and the heartbreak. Our love was a mess, we were young, we fought like no other...I was crazy, demanding, he was goofy, and proud. We loved each other with all we could at that age, spent hours driving around town listening to music, nights laying on the field of his HS or in the bed of my truck looking at the stars. We broke up the summer before college, got back together, tried the long distance thing but when you're 18 Davis to Irvine was a bit to far and hormones were a bit too wild. Too many distractions, too many other options, too many questions of what if and what else is out there, I messed up, he messed up, and I broke both of our hearts. Years later we both found closure, I found a new path to my life and he found her. I always wondered how it would be to see him marry someone else, but when it happened all I was was happy for him. I did not hurt, our door had closed and we both recognized that long before his status went from "in a relationship" to "engaged." My life plan no longer involved winter trips to Tahoe, lunches at the Meadow Club, summer trips to Europe, sailing around the bay on lazy evenings but theirs did. She was, she is, perfect for him and they are so happy in the life that at one time I thought would be ours.
And I smile, because I know that is not the life I can have, not now. I realized this when I made the decision to move to LA instead of DC, to give up the straight and arrow path for one of art and creativity and struggle. I've made the decision to give away the wonderful life I dreamed of as a kid, the life that seemed so normal, so expected, and I'm happy that I don't have to feel guilty, wonder what if...what if I hadn't made those mistakes. I'm happy that someone I loved so much, hurt so much, is exactly where they are supposed to be, with exactly who they are meant to be with. Of course it makes me wonder if I'll find my one, I tell myself not to worry about that, I tell myself and those around me that I don't care, that I don't want to find that love, that I don't have time or energy...and it's true, but sometimes I wonder if I'm just afraid. Afraid to admit that I do want that, that I've always wanted that...my life may be way off course from the dream I had of being a young housewife in the suburbs with a big yard and comfortable means but sometimes I wonder if I'm really that different from the girl I was growing up. But it's idle thoughts, and counterproductive to the dreams I have now.
I'm an Actor, I live in my very own one bedroom apartment, I enjoy my freedom, my days alone, my restaurant/bar job. I often long for home and the lifestyle I am accustomed to, the beauty of the mountains, the redwoods, the fresh air, the promise, the contentment I feel, the peace of home...but I wouldn't know what to do with myself there. This is my life now, and until I understand how to combine both my worlds I must choose to live in one and try and forget the other. I will admire from afar my friends and past loves, and I will hold steady to the idea that this is who I'm ment to be, that I too will find my own life and happiness in time. The one thing I do know for certain is that my life is not meant to be what theirs is, my path has made a number of sharp turns in different directions and is an adventure all together different and wonderful. So as much as I ponder, and as many unanswered questions I have about my own wants, needs, and life...I can still appreciate the strides that others are making. The happiness they've found, well, there is no one more deserving of such a gift. And until I too find my own, for them and for that I smile.
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