So tonight is opening night of Atwater Playhouse's July showcase, and I can't pinpoint the exact emotion I'm experiencing. I suppose it's more plausible to describe it as a range of emotions as I swing from excited to slightly disappointed to indifferent. It's this sliding scale in conjunction with the weather that has influenced my actions or rather lack there of today, and has prompted me to attempt to identify, categorize, and describe to you what it is that's going on inside of me. I feel dull, removed, as if time has no effect and no purpose. That could be due to my mid afternoon nap that I recently arose from, sometimes the extra unneeded sleep puts me in a catatonic state, or perhaps the heat has made me that much more lethargic. It's not heat like the last week has been, that uncomfortable hot sticky feeling that makes sitting still unbearable but moving around even more so, no, but it's the heat that makes you lazy, makes afternoon naps naked with the windows open a great possibility. So here I sit, AC on, ceiling fan whirling, trying to wake myself up from this dream state and to live truthfully.
Live truthfully. I've recently learned that as actors it is our job to live, not act. Kinda strange that as an "actor" we must try our hardest to stay away from doing exactly that. Have you ever seen someone on the screen or in a play who was "acting?" I'm sure you have, we all have, it's awful, it's untruthful, it's downright distracting and we won't pay to see people simply "act" we want them to live. We watch movies to escape from our own lives, to let go, to believe in an alternative universe where extraordinary things happen and ordinary people rise up to their full potential in extreme situations. So the actors job is not to "act" rather it is to live, to live the role, the moment, have it be real for themselves and they will captivate their audience. To completely remove yourself from all social constrictions and feel openly without consequence. In layman's terms, I go to class to learn to be the 5 year old me again. The me without restriction, the me before politeness was hammered into me, before the walls went up around me, the me who was ruled by my urges not a slave to societies guidelines on how to react or not react to the world around us. We're taught to not say anything if we have nothing nice to say, to let things roll off our backs, to not cry or show when someone has hurt us. To stand strong, to build up this wall, to think before we speak. Everything that goes against simply living, feeling, being open, honest, and free. That's why acting is so difficult. You can't just memorize lines and get up on stage and act, or that's all it will be. A hollow shell with no deeper feeling, meaning, connection. Unrelatable and hallow.
That's kinda how I feel now. So far removed from my emotions not by choice, trying desperately to swim against this current, to dive deep down and pull the truth, the life, the raw feelings from where they swirl inside my heart. I feel like I'm putting up these emotional blockades to keep myself from being sad. From allowing myself to admit that I failed...that I've failed myself. You see this month I have a scene I like, like really really like, a scene I am excited to work on, to put up, to show people...and yet...caught up in my laziness and catatonic state of last month and then overwhelmed by the crazy business I realized was going to be this month I completely put off telling people about the upcoming show. I always tell people and yet this time, when I actually have something I think is really worth seeing, something I'm excited to show...I self sabotage and wait till the week of to start promoting. I know most my friends who would love to come support me live far away and have lives and make plans and now, due to my not informing them ahead of time, cannot come out and see my great work. I'm not saying that this scene is life changing, or that I'm the best I can be, or that I've done all the work there is to do and the scene is perfect. No, not at all...but I am saying that if I was going to have my friends come to any performance I've done so far...this would be it. This is one I'm truly looking forward to. And yet...most my audience is a solid "maybe" since I failed to do the simplest thing ever. Tell them ahead of time.
Not to say that without my own support system in the audience the show is worthless to me or means less...but it kinda does. We don't have an audience unless we bring an audience, and from previous showcases with my theater company, I'm sometimes the only one who's friends come support. I'm not sure if it's just because I have great friends, or if I'm the only one who actually tells people about the show, I am pretty sure it's both...but I think I'll stick to the awesome friends idea. And for the first time I'm truely excited, I have a great scrip from a little known play write, I have a strong acting partner, I have new techniques....I want to show people, and if there's no one to show then why am I getting on stage? I know that I don't act for praise, or just because people are watching but in the end, the actor needs an audience, just as a writer needs a reader, or there'd be no use in acting at all. I guess I can just hope that my friend are that extraordinary and that some of my maybes become yeses, and in the end all I can ask for is to live up there on that stage live and have fun.
I'm read for the world to end, I'm ready for Early One Evening at the Rainbow Bar and Grill, I'm ready to live.
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