They said this would happen, they said this time would come...and I don't fool myself into believing that this will be the only point on my journey where I feel defeated, lost, frustrated. The roads we choose to follow...the ones that mean something to us, the ones we feel passionate about...those are the ones that will cut us down, trip us up, make us doubt ourselves and our path and it is up to us and us alone to pick ourselves up, clean our scrapes and stand strong. We have two choices when things get rough...push on or give up. It is at those junctures, at those moments that we find out what is really important to us...and how stubborn or strong willed we are. Maybe it's a mistake, maybe it won't amount to anything...but on the slight chance that we do make it, that we do achieve the impossible, that we do make our dreams come true...well...is that worth it to you?
So here I stand, questioning myself, questioning if this is really the path to my happiness, if this is right for me...questions that I cannot hope to answer, that only time will tell. Everything in the past is 20/20...the future is a great unknown, like walking through a thick fog...we can only see what is right in front of us at the time, all the squinting and straining our eyes will not prove to clear the mist any more than charging right at it will...so might as well take that leap of faith. At least this is what I tell myself, I don't think I'm half as brave as I claim to be...all the motivational things I say and subscribe to, they are just as much to convince myself as they are to convince others. It will be ok. Things will turn out how they should. We will end up happy. Faith, faith in the unknown, faith in the journey, faith in yourself and the world. Say it enough and you'll believe it, right? That's how I've become who I am...that's how I conquered shyness, that's how I forgot about what others may think of me with their judging eyes and unkind words through school, that's how I get through each day...I have to believe, I have to hold onto that hope that my words are true. We are nothing without hope, without faith, and no, not the faith in heaven or hell or god or whatever it is you may believe...simply faith that one day we'll all be able to look back on our struggles, on our dark moments and know that it was all just part of the journey. The adventure. And it was not, all for nothing.
Strength, we must have strength to pull us through. We must shut out our doubts, our worries, our insecurities and stay strong. Some may call it pig-headed, I prefer stubborn. Stubborn isn't always a bad thing, as my parents would have had me believe growing up...and yes, I've been accused of being stubborn to a fault in my past, but if you can use that perseverance in a productive way...well...you can achieve the impossible. Thank goodness I'm a little stubborn, what doesn't kill me only makes me stronger. Criticism keeps me hungry...pushes me forward, no one likes to feel like they are failing, and loosing is not something I easily accept. I'm competitive to a fault, this I will admit. I've spent years avoiding activities that may result in defeat, playing it safe, never letting myself hope or strive for what it is I really want...for fear that the defeat will be too much. I wish I could loose gracefully, I wish I could stop that need to "win" to be good at everything because we all know that's impossible. Perfection is not achievable and we must learn to be satisfied with ourselves...yet never loose the drive to be better. It's a thin line we walk...and I'm learning how to fight again, to channel that competitiveness, that stubborn child I used to be, to have it be a positive and not the negative it once was.
Which brings us back to today, and the reason I'm writing this post. Well, today after class I cried. Not a long crazy world crashing down sort of cry...no. Not a self pitying break down, or a wounded feelings pouting cry either. No, that's not my style...and if you know me, you know crying is so not my thing. It was simply an accumulation of the growing frustration and aggravation that I've been dismissing week after week after being told over and over that my work was sub par. Of course, they don't say it in those exact words, and we are not supposed to take their criticism personally...even though they are tying to teach us to take everything else personally...but in the end that is what they are saying. And I'm not fighting them, I'm not denying that everything they are saying is not true...because quite honestly it is. I've been struggling, I've been frustrated with myself, annoyed that something so seemingly simple is proving to be so ridiculously hard. If I could only get it...if I could only bring in an activity that they approve of, that they like, then maybe I won't be told once again that my activity is not good...and perhaps then I can get feedback on what it is I'm there for...my acting, my truthfulness. Of course, I'm sure I'm going about it the wrong way. So afraid to fail again I'm focusing on pleasing the teacher instead of finding something that is truthful and meaningful to me, and each class, each week, I become more panicked more afraid that I'm starting to dread those early Tuesday and Friday mornings. So today, I gave in. I let go of the need to stay strong outwardly and let my emotions sweep over me, let the frustration and defeat in and the tears well up in my eyes and be ok with it. To cry, but just for a moment and only because I know that in that moment, when I questioned everything, when I wanted to simply give up, when I wished nothing more than to let go of my dream...that I wouldn't. That I would return again on Friday with a new activity ready for new criticism, that this was just one of many countless more times when I'd wish nothing more than to give up, to throw in the towel and take the safer more traveled road, just one time that I'd stumble hard and have to brush myself off...to ignore the scrapes and bruises and the temptation to turn around. I've come too far, and I'm far far too stubborn to let this deter me from what it is I want.
I simply must work harder. Stand stronger. Believe more diligently. Have more faith.
Sometimes I just want a hug and to be told it all will work out in the end, that it's ok...but sometimes no one is there, we cannot rely on others to always pick us up when we fall. We must learn to stand on our own two feet and achieve. To smile and remember that my life is wonderful...now I just have to make it what I want it to be.
