So, this month has been nuts. I know I keep saying that but seriously I'm continuously shocked at how much crazier things can get when I already thought they were pretty crazy to begin with. I don't even know where to begin...this week alone has been one crazy ride. From getting away on the weekend which was a crazy and much needed vacation. It renewed my faith in people and life and love, it felt like a dream...everything was amazing and perfect and too good to be true. I left SB floating on a cloud but afraid to admit it for fear of the cloud giving way beneath my feet. I then had a crazy long night bonding and partying with co-workers and feeling like I was part of a group and loving it. I finally convinced myself to have faith that this cloud would not break...only to have it rain on my happiness a few days later leaving me broken and confused. Then last night the tides changed again and here I am...not sure whether to be happy, or cautious, or angry...sitting again waiting for my world to crash down or for the sun to break through...and yes...I am talking in code. Perhaps I'll care to expand at a later date...but since this blog is dedicated to my progress in the acting world here we go...
So I guess the most relevant topic to share with you today would be the phone call I received this morning. Short, sweet, and full of promise. I tell myself to not get my hopes up...it's simply the next step and I could never get that final phone call...but then again...I just might... "Hello Stephanie, this is Summer (my commercial agent). You've been put on avail for Southern California Edison so I just need to check the dates with you..." Avail. AVAIL! That means I might book it! That means I didn't bomb like I felt like (having had that previous emotional roller coaster ride I mentioned interfere with my concentration)! Yes, it doesn't mean I booked it yet...I could never get that final call telling me where to be and when, but it's a step closer than I have been before, and that, well, that's progress.
This is the first audition I've been sent out on in months, it's not a national spot and it's a 2 year buyout so I won't be receiving any residuals until after 2013 if at all, but it's still work...and that right there would be progress. So last Wednesday night I received a text alert telling me that I had been requested to audition the following day for Southern California Edison for the role of "Nurse." So of course I hopped online and confirmed...2:30 in Hollywood. Left training early, got over to the casting studio and was ready to claim this role. Heck, I can be a nurse...I'm ambiguously asian/hispanic/whatever and I can easily play friendly and helpful, it's the story of my life. In and out in 5 minutes and back in my car feeling good about the audition and of course wishing I played this or that more but still overall pretty satisfied. Then comes the weekend's madness and Tuesday I get a call...I've got a callback tomorrow in Santa Monica...2:30. Well good thing I didn't end up going on that Vegas trip after all, so on Wed I get up and get ready, leave class early and make my way to Santa Monica. Here's where I get a little messed up...and yes, you may have guessed it, it's about a guy. Isn't it always? This is why I told myself I don't need to worry about dating...or relationships...or anything of that sort, they are just distractions and cause unnecessary stress and pain when I cannot afford to have my concentration broken. But that's always easier said then done...but back to the story.
So I go into the callback trying so hard to forget anything that's going on in my life...to just concentrate, to do what I came to do. It looks like it's just me and one other girl up for the role, these are awesome odds...I just need to outshine. They call my name and it's come on Stephanie...concentrate...this is what you want, what you need, you deserve this role... I walk into the room and there's four people. Three seated and one who ushers me in and goes behind the monitor and camera on the right side. He pulls up a chair for me and a table to pretend is the pregnant lady (I'm giving their first ultrasound) while the other three converse with one another in Spanish...the topic? A salad. Yes, a salad. And here I am...standing or sitting rather, in front of them about to preform and they haven't even batted an eye or given me a second look, no hello no nothing. So then the guy behind the camera says ok...so it's the same thing as last time...slate, profiles, and start. So I do, feeling kinda detached and distant, forcing the actions and the smiles and thinking oh no, oh no...concentrate...and then it's over. The three on the couch nod and the girl on the right says "ok" and that's it...I stand, thank them...and before I know it I'm standing back out in the waiting room wondering what just happened, and kicking myself for being so removed from what was going on. Damn distractions. I try to brush it off...I mean you never know, they could have liked it, the other girl could do horribly, who knows...all I can do is let it go and wait.
And then I get the call today. After a long night at work, and a little pick me up from my blues...and a whole lot of randomness that I have only begun to process. Goes to show you really do never know, you may think you did great and never get a call...or you may think you did awful or at least not as good as you know you could have...and still make the cut. So now it's fingers crossed, it's time I book my first real paying gig...and with all that's going on in my life I feel like it would just make sense. I feel like my time is now, that I'm ready and that the universe is going to open up to me...and I hope that this cliff I'm slowly edging my way onto won't give way below me but rather support me and carry my on to greater heights. In life, in love, in entirety.
Hope, we must have hope...and faith. And we must learn to turn our backs on our fears, because sooner or later you must let go of that safety net and fly...even if it means we may fall.
Friday, August 26, 2011
Monday, August 15, 2011
Pressing pause...
So I guess we're about due for a new post and my, how quickly things change. Last time I wrote about being inspired, feeling motivated, achieving your dreams and not letting anything or anyone get in the way. Well, not even a month later and how the tables have turned. That's just like life though, and we must learn to roll with the punches and enjoy the crazy ride for in the end, there's really no use fighting it.
I'm not saying that I've lost that drive or motivation or belief in myself and my "destiny," no, not at all...I'm just saying that sometimes life has a different plan for us and we have to let go and let the current take us downstream. In the end we will eventually end up in the ocean, but how we get there is not always determined by us. So July has come and gone and silly me to think August would be less hectic and allow me to concentrate on my goals and joys, for I have quickly found that not to be the case. If anything, August is crazier than July, not by choice but by obligation. My wants are superseded by my needs; mainly my need to survive.
At Playhouse west our teachers love telling us the story of James Franco...the golden boy of PW. I love James Franco, I think he is brilliant and talented and definitely one of the great actors of my generation not to mention super hot. I've loved him for a while and his work just seems to get better and better, he truly is an artist, and I am clearly not alone in my admiration. Needless to say, if you ever take a class at Playhouse West you will undoubtedly hear his name over and over and over until quite frankly, you are a little sick of hearing it. But that is not what I'm getting at, and not what I want you to take from this tangent. James has not gotten to where he is by luck, or by chance, he is and was dedicated to his craft, his work, his dream. I don't know how many times I've heard the story of how for a time he lived in his car while dedicating all his time to rehearsing and class and acting and projects with his fellow students and how that is the very dedication that is required to achieve what he has. While I admire James and his drive and his hardship and sacrifices, I have too strong a sense of obligation and responsibility to support myself to ever allow myself to fall on such hardships. Don't get me wrong, I am in no way disparaging those who find themselves homeless or down on their luck, I do not know their story of how they got there and I am almost positive it was not by choice, all I am trying to say is that I was raised to always take care of your basic needs first. Shelter, food, pay your bills on time, don't live outside your means. Life humble and work hard and once you find stability then you can indulge in the rest, in what you love.
So August finds me regrettably dedicating my time and energy not to class, rehearsals, and showcases like July, but to work. Work and obligations, responsibilities, and putting the ducks in a row. I fought with myself the first Tuesday of the month, up and dressed, ready for class at 8:30am still a little exhausted from Vegas the weekend before (the batchelorette party) and knowing that the month ahead would not allow me the time necessary to be a dedicated student or even attend class regularly. I had just started training at a new job since my current one was undergoing drastic policy changes and with them it seemed soon I would not be able to support myself and my class tuition. So here I was, forced to look elsewhere for the means to my end and juggling my current shifts while trying to show my new job that I was just as serious about them as my new currently jobless colleges were. I wanted so badly to continue my classes and dedication to moving forward with my dreams as well, but it just didn't seem plausible...or smart to try to juggle this new commitment along with all that I was already doing. Plus, since it was new restaurant their training schedule was not set in stone I was never sure when I would be expected to there at the drop of a hat, many times interfering with class time. I attempted once or twice to do both, go to class and then make it to training but since class and the job were on opposite sides of LA, I was consistently late, racing all over town to make it to class, training, and often work.
As I sat there in my apartment watching the minutes roll by debating whether or not to get into my car and to the first class of the new month, fighting with myself and trying to find any way in my mind that I could continue all my classes and both work schedules I finally resigned the fact that responsibility outweighs passion. It just did not seem reasonable or even possible, so finally I made the hard decision that something had to give. It couldn't be work because I need to support myself, it couldn't be training and the new job because without it class is not an option, I had already decided to take another break from the theater company, and I couldn't take a month off of Grey's or I'd be ineligible again for the next showcase and deprive myself of the chance to preform in front of industry individuals and possibly my future representation, so that left only one option. Playhouse West. Playhouse being the greater time commitment with the twice weekly classes and outside rehearsals and reading lists (all the books having just ordered and been delivered to my doorstep just days before), all of which I loved and wanted to truly dedicate my time to. I knew I'd be cheating myself and my classmates if I half-assed it; if I simply showed up to class tired and drained and was a warm body but nothing more. I would not get anything out of it and neither would my peers who were chosen to work with me. Not to mention my fierce pride and competitive nature. If I'm to do something I am adamant on doing it right, and I knew I couldn't honestly tell myself I would be able to.
So here I am...half way through the month with finally a moment to spare to open my soul to the world and I am no closer to finding that balance needed to invest my time back into what it is I love and miss. I sometimes wish I could be so free to live out of my car like James...but then I realize that above all, I must survive, and the only way I know how is this way. You work hard, you make sacrifices, and you will in time, succeed. I may be juggling two jobs, I may have stopped auditioning, I may have had to stop going to class but this is not the end, this is not over, I have simply pressed pause on the soundtrack of my dreams, the last note suspended in time and space, hanging, waiting until it is once again clear for the needle to drop and the music to begin again as if nothing ever changed. And I too am waiting, hanging, going through the motions and living the moments not for what I want but what I need. Everything else is secondary, I work, I sleep, I eat, I make social appointments with only those who mean the most to me simply to keep myself sane, and I hope for that day to come soon when I can once again simply work to support my dream, not make my work my life.
I'm not saying that I've lost that drive or motivation or belief in myself and my "destiny," no, not at all...I'm just saying that sometimes life has a different plan for us and we have to let go and let the current take us downstream. In the end we will eventually end up in the ocean, but how we get there is not always determined by us. So July has come and gone and silly me to think August would be less hectic and allow me to concentrate on my goals and joys, for I have quickly found that not to be the case. If anything, August is crazier than July, not by choice but by obligation. My wants are superseded by my needs; mainly my need to survive.
At Playhouse west our teachers love telling us the story of James Franco...the golden boy of PW. I love James Franco, I think he is brilliant and talented and definitely one of the great actors of my generation not to mention super hot. I've loved him for a while and his work just seems to get better and better, he truly is an artist, and I am clearly not alone in my admiration. Needless to say, if you ever take a class at Playhouse West you will undoubtedly hear his name over and over and over until quite frankly, you are a little sick of hearing it. But that is not what I'm getting at, and not what I want you to take from this tangent. James has not gotten to where he is by luck, or by chance, he is and was dedicated to his craft, his work, his dream. I don't know how many times I've heard the story of how for a time he lived in his car while dedicating all his time to rehearsing and class and acting and projects with his fellow students and how that is the very dedication that is required to achieve what he has. While I admire James and his drive and his hardship and sacrifices, I have too strong a sense of obligation and responsibility to support myself to ever allow myself to fall on such hardships. Don't get me wrong, I am in no way disparaging those who find themselves homeless or down on their luck, I do not know their story of how they got there and I am almost positive it was not by choice, all I am trying to say is that I was raised to always take care of your basic needs first. Shelter, food, pay your bills on time, don't live outside your means. Life humble and work hard and once you find stability then you can indulge in the rest, in what you love.
So August finds me regrettably dedicating my time and energy not to class, rehearsals, and showcases like July, but to work. Work and obligations, responsibilities, and putting the ducks in a row. I fought with myself the first Tuesday of the month, up and dressed, ready for class at 8:30am still a little exhausted from Vegas the weekend before (the batchelorette party) and knowing that the month ahead would not allow me the time necessary to be a dedicated student or even attend class regularly. I had just started training at a new job since my current one was undergoing drastic policy changes and with them it seemed soon I would not be able to support myself and my class tuition. So here I was, forced to look elsewhere for the means to my end and juggling my current shifts while trying to show my new job that I was just as serious about them as my new currently jobless colleges were. I wanted so badly to continue my classes and dedication to moving forward with my dreams as well, but it just didn't seem plausible...or smart to try to juggle this new commitment along with all that I was already doing. Plus, since it was new restaurant their training schedule was not set in stone I was never sure when I would be expected to there at the drop of a hat, many times interfering with class time. I attempted once or twice to do both, go to class and then make it to training but since class and the job were on opposite sides of LA, I was consistently late, racing all over town to make it to class, training, and often work.
As I sat there in my apartment watching the minutes roll by debating whether or not to get into my car and to the first class of the new month, fighting with myself and trying to find any way in my mind that I could continue all my classes and both work schedules I finally resigned the fact that responsibility outweighs passion. It just did not seem reasonable or even possible, so finally I made the hard decision that something had to give. It couldn't be work because I need to support myself, it couldn't be training and the new job because without it class is not an option, I had already decided to take another break from the theater company, and I couldn't take a month off of Grey's or I'd be ineligible again for the next showcase and deprive myself of the chance to preform in front of industry individuals and possibly my future representation, so that left only one option. Playhouse West. Playhouse being the greater time commitment with the twice weekly classes and outside rehearsals and reading lists (all the books having just ordered and been delivered to my doorstep just days before), all of which I loved and wanted to truly dedicate my time to. I knew I'd be cheating myself and my classmates if I half-assed it; if I simply showed up to class tired and drained and was a warm body but nothing more. I would not get anything out of it and neither would my peers who were chosen to work with me. Not to mention my fierce pride and competitive nature. If I'm to do something I am adamant on doing it right, and I knew I couldn't honestly tell myself I would be able to.
So here I am...half way through the month with finally a moment to spare to open my soul to the world and I am no closer to finding that balance needed to invest my time back into what it is I love and miss. I sometimes wish I could be so free to live out of my car like James...but then I realize that above all, I must survive, and the only way I know how is this way. You work hard, you make sacrifices, and you will in time, succeed. I may be juggling two jobs, I may have stopped auditioning, I may have had to stop going to class but this is not the end, this is not over, I have simply pressed pause on the soundtrack of my dreams, the last note suspended in time and space, hanging, waiting until it is once again clear for the needle to drop and the music to begin again as if nothing ever changed. And I too am waiting, hanging, going through the motions and living the moments not for what I want but what I need. Everything else is secondary, I work, I sleep, I eat, I make social appointments with only those who mean the most to me simply to keep myself sane, and I hope for that day to come soon when I can once again simply work to support my dream, not make my work my life.
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