I can't quite capture the horrible sadness and feeling of loss that happens the moment you realize the place you grew up is not the amazing paradise you always believed. I don't know if many people can relate to this at all...because I think I might have been one of the only people left in the world to have an idealized idea of where they came from, or at least one of the only ones to get that idea challenged and steamrolled at 30. Most people experience this type of let down earlier on in life...or maybe they never do at all, but tonight was my night. My night where I realized for the first time that I'm not proud of where I came from. Where being a minority...even if I didn't see myself as one here...in Marin County makes me "different."
Maybe I should explain. I am 4th generation Asian American on one side...my great grandmother was born in California in 1901, I'm more "American" than a whole heck of a lot of my "white" friends. I was born and raised in Marin County CA, the northern...predominantly white...upper middle class suburb of San Francisco where I grew up ignoring the fact I was different and fiercely fighting to not see or let others see I was anything other than just another Marin Co. kid. And it worked...or so I thought...for a long time. By the time I got to college I really didn't feel or act any different than any of my peers...and why should I? To say we were all colorblind is not as accurate as to say we chose to see every color as the same...white. It didn't matter what color your skin was...if you had grown up in Marin at the time I did you were white...unless you clearly identified as a minority and acted as such.
Then college hit. I went to UCI. Yes, I know all the jokes...University of Chinese Immigrants and any other acronym you can think of involving UCI and being Asian. It was a culture shock, to say the least, to be surrounded by so many people so proud of their different heritage, and in turn, so many that wanted me to identify with their so called "struggles" which, to say the least, I had no clue about...or at least believed I didn't. It took me 3 years for my friendship circle to slowly turn from caucasian to Asian and for me to truly embrace what makes me special...that I'm of mixed race.
Fast forward to now. I'm 30 years old, I have a live in boyfriend who is Korean by origin and I still absolutely love where I grew up. He's from LA where we live now, where I've lived for the last 6 years the entire time (plus the 7 years in OC before that) wishing I could someday return here...to the lovely bubble I came from, the idealized world I lived in. So it's his first time seeing my hometown...and of course, I desperately want him to love it as much as I do, to understand why I am the way I am, and why I love it so much. It's our first night...and I decide to go down to the only bar in town...the 2am club and meet up with a childhood friend and her new boo for some drinks and a chill night at the dive where we grew up.
Everything is fine...great even...until the lights go up. Then I go to close out. It starts bad...I say "oh don't close me out!" and the bartender retorts with "no, you HAVE to close out" to which I respond "yes...I know...I meant on the card. I want to pay cash," being in the service industry I like to pay everything with cash, b/c going to the bank isn't my strong suite. Anyways, there is a guy at the bar. And I hate to say it but I have to for this story to make the most sense in the most ridiculous way...but the ONLY black guy at the bar (and if you've ever come to Marin Co. you know the relevance of this) and he looks at me and says "oh how Chinese of you" and I just give him this unbelievable shocked death stare. Like did that REALLY come out of your mouth right now...REALLY you're going to say that to the ONLY SEMI ASIAN girl here just because I told her I'd rather pay CASH?? Like WTF?? Anyways I definitely don't let it slide, and call him out on his shit...while he tries to play it off as if it's not a race thing. And this is the first time I've ever really felt defensive about the race card...but COME ON. Then I go to pay my bill which I realize seems a little high for the two beers (at $5.50 and $5 each) and one Jameson neat (at $6.50) that we had, which to me even with tax does not equal out to $22. So I pay then I ask nicely and curiously what we had on our tab. The bartender goes to look and tells me we had 2 Racer 5's (which I clearly know we had 1) and the other two drinks I knew we got. So I proceed to tell her we did not get 2 of the Racer 5's at which point she gets angry and acts as if I'm trying to stiff her (btw at this point I had already dropped a $5 tip on the bar for our supposed $22 in cocktails BEFORE I asked her about the bill at all) and says "YOU DID GET TWO, OMG I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU'RE FIGHTING ME ON $5" and now I'm pissed off because if you know me it's not the $$ as much the principle (which I tell her flat out) and she CONTINUES to argue with me. I'm appalled, especially seeing as I bet I'm the best tipper in the house for the night as well as being in the service industry myself and having enough class to never EVER fight a tab just trying to get free shit. By now she's already thrown the disputed $5 on the bar as if to say "fine here's your $ you're trying to stiff me" and I am so pissed I stalk off telling her again it's not the money but the principle leaving both $5 bills on the bar. In retrospect I should have just said fuck you you cunt and taken both but I'm not like that. And if that's not enough as I'm walking off that same black dude (who may I add had a British accent and was not tough at all) scoffs and says "WOW" quite loudly and obviously trying to start shit...again. At this point I'm so pissed off and frankly disappointed in my fellow man...and just tying to cope with the realization that my love for this town might be a horrible mistake and disillusion after all, and the fact that I've never been so disrespected for no apparent reason other than the one thing that I worked my ass off growing up in this same town to not notice or feel; that I was different. That I was not WHITE.
Later after my boyfriend heard what the guy had said to me about wanting to pay in cash post exiting the bar after the bartender insisted (even after we both tried to tell her he did not order a second beer on my tab) that we were trying to get free drinks, he went back in to have words with this racist man only to have the guy try to step up to him and that same cunt of a bartender try to ease his anger by saying "relax he's just a really drunk gay guy" as if making him a second minority makes his racism or her bitchiness any better.
People may scoff, or react negatively to this entry. Perhaps they'll think I'm making a big thing about nothing...that it had nothing to do with race and I'm being extra sensitive, or that maybe I'm being stuck up thinking that I was probably one of the best most cultured and polite patron's in that bar (and yes, I'm super pissed off). Maybe they'll say I've been naive, or that I have no right to be so upset and pissed off at something that's taking me 30 years to see or experience, that I'm dumb and privileged, or that they've dealt with this their entire lives...and to that I say I'm sorry. All I can talk about is my experience and I don't ever mean to discredit someone else's or say mine is worse by any means...but it doesn't mean it crushes me any less. Doesn't' mean I'm any less hurt or at a loss...if anything my perfect perception of my hometown and the "wonderful" people in it makes this all more painful of a realization...
Mill Valley, you are full of ignorant racist people who treat others as if they are sub par for no logical reason other than the fact you believe you are better than them simply because you are narrow minded. My world is crushed, and I truly hate you 2am club. This is the first and last time I'll ever happily walk through your doors, you harbor nothing but the worst people who don't deserve my consideration.
Seriously, I'm at a loss. I'm disappointed beyond words in the quality of people they were and my hometown...and in the fact that not only do I have to come to terms with the loss of my ideal city...and the fact that my boyfriend's first experience with the place I have talked so highly of is of such ignorance and disdain.
I never thought I'd say it...but I can't wait to leave this place and go back to LA.
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